mortalize: (Sympathetic)
Natalie Faust ([personal profile] mortalize) wrote in [community profile] ataraxionlogs2012-06-10 10:22 pm
Entry tags:

We're in the building where they make us grow

CHARACTERS: Natalie Faust and Rey
LOCATION: Rey's quarters
WARNINGS: Robots in space?
SUMMARY: Natalie goes to look for Rey!

She was more than a little relieved to see that Rey was still here. Her sister was still the most important link to her world, of course, but Rey had been something of a -- pet project, to put it crudely. She'd had an inkling of what Rey was when she had first met the woman, seen the way that she moved and the mannerisms that she used...and now it seemed that Rey had more of an idea about that herself.

She could only imagine what it would be like to wake up one day and realize who and what you really were, conflicting with most of the things you'd been raised to believe. She lifted her hand to knock on the woman's door, smoothing down the front of her suit.

At least she'd been gifted with appropriate clothes this time around.
circumitus: ...it got messy. (i did a shot of seamonkeys)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-11 04:39 am (UTC)(link)
Having a past that she could at least put to words still rang strangely inside of Rey's head. She'd known that it must've been there all along -- that her life couldn't have been just a passing glimpse, no more than the blink of an eye... Rise up from the morgue, shot down by an armored man... At times, it felt like a lucid dream, and then she realized that she'd been detached all along.

It was a song that helped bring her down. Something about the words, though not much of it she understood with clarity. The song meant something to her, however. She had memories, faces and names and places that she'd been to, and they meant something to her.

What did that say about her now?

The door opened readily after the knocks, as though Rey had been standing there the entire time... Probably because she was.

Then came the automated response, and the only way she knew how to greet a semi-familiar face: "Hello."
circumitus: tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. don't do it, man... (no i know her type)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-11 05:41 am (UTC)(link)
"Probably." Rey didn't care what people thought, but she also didn't care to make a public announcement out of it, either.

She stepped to the side, allowing enough room for Natalie before allowing the door to close behind her.

The tame joke went over her head immediately, as Rey just blinked. "Negative. It's a spaceship. The weather does not change." She said this so matter-of-factly, wow.
circumitus: What if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers? (what if...)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-11 10:35 pm (UTC)(link)
Rey didn't move to readily sit down. She kept a distance from Natalie after the door next to her snapped shut. Her arms dropped at her sides, and her stance came off as straight -- ridged.

She looked to Natalie, and mulled over her words with a solid expression. "I don't really know how to explain it. It doesn't feel like I remembered anything. It's more like I was just gone for awhile. A few months, approximate." Her eyes veered, looking up as she thought about it more. "But then, it turns out that I didn't lose any time here. I just woke up, again. It was like I'd never left."
circumitus: ...it got messy. (i did a shot of seamonkeys)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-12 09:32 am (UTC)(link)
Eyes still trained on the ceiling, Rey also tipped her head to the side a little.

"I wonder what's the cause of it..." If it was happening to more people, could there be possibly repercussions? Why she thought that, she didn't know, but it was definitely something to consider. "In memory. Even after the jump, I was lost. My mind went somewhere else, while I was still here. Sometimes, it felt like I was in two places at once, living in two different lives. And I had trouble speaking -- I just had no words."
circumitus: I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month. (i need an office)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-13 06:55 am (UTC)(link)
"For now."

Rey hesitated at the gesture, obvious as it had been. Her stare focused on Natalie then, before she inhaled, and moved over towards the bed. For awhile, it was difficult to grasp the concept of what it might be like to be close to someone that didn't want to viciously attack her. Even now, after all of these months, it still felt a little strange.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." It wasn't a truth that she cared so much to admit, but there it was. "I wish I did..."
circumitus: What if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers? (what if...)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-13 08:38 am (UTC)(link)
There was something about people and close proximities that Rey never quite understood. She had felt the odd comfort of arms around her before, and while it didn't make sense to her at the time, she kind of understood what the gesture had meant.

"I was shot a couple times..." She reached up to touch her other shoulder, that was no longer bloodied or screaming in pain. "I ran a long ways into the city, until I couldn't run anymore. The next few days were... strange."

Strange, how?

"...I was drugged for awhile. I saw some things." Her hand moved from her shoulder, to her forehead. It was frustrating -- here she was, trying to talk about it, and yet at the same time, she couldn't talk about it. "I can't explain very well. I've never been any good with words."
Edited 2012-06-13 08:39 (UTC)
circumitus: She literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me. (tomorrow never knows)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-14 12:23 am (UTC)(link)
Rey's mouth lined, not entirely sure what to make of Natalie's statement. If this was fine, she hated to think about what it was like for things to go the other way... However, then Rey already knew the answer to that one.

"I do remember." Rey turned, her eyes focused on the wall. "I was angry. I was angry with the person who'd put me in that box... I wanted to find him, and it didn't matter who I used to get there. I wanted to put a bullet in his head and get as far away from that place as possible." She looked down at her hands. The same ones that she distinctively remembered, clutching the rifle close to her, and pulling the trigger. "One of those things happened, at least. When you've been shot twice already, it isn't really instant gratification."
circumitus: ...it got messy. (i did a shot of seamonkeys)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-14 02:22 am (UTC)(link)
Rey shrugged. In spite of how much anger she had felt at the time, she didn't know what else to think, or how she thought about how she felt. It all came at her like instinct, or a flash grenade going off. For several seconds, it went by, but when it was over...

Emptiness again.

She shook her head. "I didn't. I thought I did. I had some weird dreams, but when I woke up, I was somewhere else. The wounds were gone. Someone was there. He treated me. I was angry again, with him -- I don't know why."

Feelings were a strange and confusing thing. The more Rey thought about it, the more uncontrollable they were -- and the easier it was just to shut them out. Better not to deal with them altogether. Who knew what could happen once she started to feel something.
circumitus: I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month. (i need an office)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-14 10:00 am (UTC)(link)
"How do you know? You sound like you're so certain." Rey wasn't looking for any long explanations from Natalie, but she couldn't help but be curious.

...Curiosity turned out to be another thing that she was used to feeling from time to time. For as much as Rey had fought, and how much violence she had really seen, there was so much that she didn't know. What little she did remember, she was never granted much time to spend with others, let alone form any kind of bond with them.

Was that what this was supposed to be with Natalie? Some kind of a bond? Rey honestly couldn't tell...

"It might be bad. That part that's been trying to surface?" Rey hesitated, jaw tightening. "I think it's bad."
circumitus: She literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me. (tomorrow never knows)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-16 11:19 am (UTC)(link)
"What experiences are those?"

It isn't often that Rey found herself prying. Things were a little different now, though. What was once her drifting without a purpose, she now actually attempted to seek answers of some manner from the people around her.

Rey paused, musing over the question. "Everybody cares about something, it seems. It's easier for them to care, because they have something worth living for -- even if it's for themselves." She hesitated, then spoke the magic words: "I don't care about anything. I can't."
circumitus: I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month. (i need an office)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-17 01:05 am (UTC)(link)
Her brows furrowed. "What's it like? Dying?" As someone who had only experienced near-death situations (that she was aware of), the concept of dying different times seems... tragic.

Yet some part of her could relate.

Which was strange.

"Perhaps. But I don't know how I'm supposed to know, if or when I do..." The thought seemed so faraway from her right then, and the more it ran by her grasp, the less likely it seemed now.
circumitus: ...it got messy. (i did a shot of seamonkeys)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-17 08:41 am (UTC)(link)
She nodded in some vague understanding. Though Rey, as far as she could tell, had never experienced anything quite like that in exact detail, there was something in Natalie's words that rang true to her all the same. "I think I might know what that is like."

Whether she really does or not... that's debatable -- up on that figurative table... Rey can't say with straight clarity. But if anyone were to ask, it felt like she did. In some sense, if nothing else...
circumitus: What if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers? (what if...)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-17 11:59 pm (UTC)(link)
"That so?" Rey hesitated, holding up her hands, palms up. They felt so empty, like something was terribly missing. Without the rifle, it was like a mother cradling a bundle with no child. "Have you ever had to kill anyone before?"

Judging by a few others on this ship, Rey had a feeling that she wasn't the only one. But there was a very distinct difference between what kind of killers were here. Not many of them were quite as... detached.
circumitus: Because you're marine grade... You rascal. (you need 400 proof or marine proof)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-18 01:59 am (UTC)(link)
Her hands went still for a moment, before they dropped back down over her lap. "Then I suppose we do have quite a bit in common."

One should feel happy, shouldn't they? How did that saying go...? Misery desired company?

But Rey didn't feel miserable. Only emptiness. Perhaps that in itself was misery...
circumitus: She literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me. (tomorrow never knows)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-18 03:21 am (UTC)(link)
"I don't regret. I didn't feel anything then, I don't feel anything now. Except anger." Which, all things considered, is a strange thing to say in that tone of hers. That one, mute emotion boiled within the pot, only to simmer as Natalie took her hand. "I was and am a soldier, so I did whatever I was told to do, killed whoever I was told to kill. No matter what. I had no choice -- and it angered me."

Still, there was something. A grasp for balance between the anger and the vacuum.
circumitus: She literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me. (tomorrow never knows)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-18 04:34 am (UTC)(link)
"If I didn't, I don't think I would have ever been shut up in that box." She paused. Fix that: "Casket."

It was a morgue, after all. It wasn't something she could so easily forget.

"I suppose. I can never let it out, though. It could be bad. I believe it's better to feel nothing." Already she nearly attacked someone for the sake of defense... She really didn't want to think about the repercussions of what would happen if she let that one feeling get away with her.
circumitus: She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides. (it's not like i paid for sex)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-18 05:06 am (UTC)(link)
"I don't know what else to do." She closed a free hand over the side of her face, the inside of her skull starting to ache. "I feel like I might've had some direction, at some point. But now that it's gone, I don't know if it's something that I want to open on my own."

Perhaps it's always been fear that had driven her as well?
circumitus: This is drunk and confused... (this is worse than naked and afraid)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-18 05:37 am (UTC)(link)
"So long as you don't turn out like the last guy who wanted to talk to me about my problems. He's locked up and crazy now, the last I heard of him." Rey was, in this case, referring to Jonathan Crane, who wasn't exactly the most reliable of therapists, as she figured out.

Then there was also Ratchet, who also went missing after the last jump.

And even Natalie, after the first time...

She was tired.

"It seems to be a habit of happening."
circumitus: you started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt." (wave goodbye to your troubles)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-19 06:27 am (UTC)(link)
"I think everyone would promise that." Rey stopped to consider everyone for a moment. "Though, I can't..."

As far as she knew, Rey did not quite fit the textbook definition of sanity. At least, not since the last she checked. It was frustrating, knowing that something was wrong, but not knowing what to do in order to fix it.

Natalie seemed sane, though. Or as sane as she could be for someone who figured they were probably crazy.
circumitus: She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides. (it's not like i paid for sex)

[personal profile] circumitus 2012-06-21 01:05 am (UTC)(link)
Quite frankly, it was better that Natalie didn't make any promises at all. Rey would've had a hard time swallowing it, if she had.

"I suppose." The problem was, Rey almost never knew how she felt until it overexerted her. Not always the best of habits to have, considering the circumstances involved.