unsoldiered: (Whoa. I have hands.)
Alex Shepherd | SEC » 008 » 040 ([personal profile] unsoldiered) wrote in [community profile] ataraxionlogs2012-11-10 12:03 am

put me in the hospital for nerves and then they had to commit me

CHARACTERS: Alex "talkin' to myself" Shepherd, his poor CR, and aaanyone else who runs into him.
LOCATION:
Lots of places. Scattered through the following week.
WARNINGS:
General 'craziness' brought about by mask issues. Not sure where the threads'll go, but it could get a little dark if it takes that turn toward Bad Memory Lane. Alex isn't gonna be violent in any unplanned circumstance, but he may see your character as someone else, or something to that effect.
SUMMARY: Alex put on his mask a while back. On the 9th he put on the mask again. He saw some pretty bad things. The 10th, and Alex is pretty sure what he feared might be coming true. It'll take a little fixing up to make this engine rumble right again.
NOTES: Prose or action fine. And of course like usual, A-OK with any character interaction at any point in this narrative.



(Nov. 10th)

He's lost track of time again. Not in the way you do aboard the ship, either. Sometimes he loses pieces and ends up somewhere with no memory of traveling. It's mostly when he wakes up from sleeping (if he even wakes up at all before he leaves). Ever since he'd put the mask on yet another time and saw vacant dead eyes of too many people (wheeler riddled with holes, holloway with a gushing chin, mom and dad, halved, his brother soaked in lake water), he'd hid that thing away in his room and struggles to keep away from it. It's weird, because he's had that sensation before, like the mask were pills given to him day after day to ease his freewill. The mask itself is simple: A very angular red shape that fits against and around the face like a overwhelming bird beak; he'd have to be a complete moron not to know what it was referring to.

At any rate, he decided not to touch the damned thing again. Hopefully. But even trying to keep the urge to wear it at bay wasn't helping the fact that its already done the damage. Today he snaps awake and finds himself lying across the steps in the pool, half hanging out with his hand on the ledge. It shakes him up enough that he paces out of there, toward the showers and blasts himself with ice-cold water with his clothes still on—minus the heavy jacket. At this point, just to make sure he's awake.

("Did I say you could touch my jacket?")

He leans on the wall and feels frozen there for a moment, water dripping off chin and nose. Eventually he just walks back to his room, cold and wet but at least entirely lucid. He hasn't entirely holed himself up; that'd just make certain convicts upset with him. His 'patrolling' takes the stage front and center, and whatever work he'd done in the gardens was halted altogether. He doesn't go back to say so, either.

(Nov. 12th)

He'd fallen asleep after a few long hours of scribbling on the walls. Originally, he'd wanted to snoop, see if he could see anything regarding Chase's vision. Nothin'. So he just scribbled up the walls more with useless little pictures. He draws until his wrist cramps a little (and people may or may not pass by; he might invite them to draw if they want).

He wakes up leaning on one of the walls further out in the ship. There's a moment where he looks around, bleary-eyed, and glances up to a burn mark on the wall that a certain little girl had left back then, when they drew together; yeah, where she'd drawn a thing with a pyramid-shaped head and then zapped it out of existence for his sake. He wasn't scared of it like he used to be.... Wonder where that place was, that Murphy drew all those words at, though. Alex remembers going back and scratching it all out for him... He wonders if Murphy really could get it. That feeling like you slip away for a second, lost in your own... burdens? Thoughts? Memories? Who knows at this point.

"Mr. Shepherd, you--

--need to take your--"

"--been prescribing-"


"Shut up." His hands draw in towards his ears, as if a piercing sound had reverberated through the halls. He winces at the sensation, all the while bitter with the implications of hearing what isn't really there. Not that he didn't already have plenty of implications that he wasn't doing as well this month. "Just... shut the fuck up."

Or at least stop talking so loud. Christ.

(Nov. 14th)

Wakes up at the pool again. He just sits with his legs in the water, thoughtfully staring down into the scarcely rippling waters. Alex was afraid to visit here sometimes. Had a... dislike of anything like it, honestly.

For some reason, he feels okay. Sometimes he forgets why he didn't like it in the first place. Other times, he remembers how much he swam around in Toluca Lake, with his brother.

Wonder where Josh could be now...?
yardbird: It's getting ridiculous. I saw a sign outside saying you changed the station's name to "We Love Murphy Pendleton". (you made dedications to me all day)

[personal profile] yardbird 2012-11-15 12:57 am (UTC)(link)
As bad as it may seem, Murphy actually has a moment of relief that Alex isn't off in his own world, at least for now. How long that reality is going to hold up, he has no idea -- but he will take what he can get.

"It's alright... It'll be alright. We'll figure somethin' out." Even if Murphy has no fucking clue what he should do now. Is Alex going to stay this way, or is he going to keep tethering back and forth from this delusion that he's made up? Admittedly, he doesn't sound like he's at any risk of harming others, except for maybe himself, which isn't good, either.

Dammit... think!

"It's a whole lot of shit to deal with... I know." He then considers a certain possibility. "Maybe... Give me your mask, and I'll take care of it. If it doesn't work... I'll keep tryin'. I'm not gonna give up on you."
sweetmotherofgod: (i have no control over myself)

14th

[personal profile] sweetmotherofgod 2012-11-15 09:19 am (UTC)(link)
She's worried.

She's barely seen Alex since the jump. That in itself isn't too much of a concern; they live on different floors, work in different departments. They're not exactly joined at the hip at the best of times. But when she has seen him he's been... distant, vague. He's seemed sad as long as she's known him, guarded, self-deprecating when he does manage a laugh, but he's always been... alert. Present. Now she sees him with his feet in the pool and his eyes somewhere else entirely, and all she can think of is what he told her before everything went to hell --

four years in a mental hospital

broke down completely

brain's probably putty by now


--and she can see that he's not right.

So it's carefully and quietly that she slips off her sneakers and rolls her jeans up to just under her knees, and loudly and obviously that she calls his name as she pads barefoot to his side.

"Hey, Alex." Careful, gentle. Step, smile, step. "Mind if I join you?"
yardbird: I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas. (do not encourage soap dropping)

[personal profile] yardbird 2012-11-16 01:30 am (UTC)(link)
Murphy wants to help, but doesn't know how, or if there is even a way to undo the damage that's been done. He hates feeling like he can't do anything.

What should he do now? Take Alex to his room? God forbid he gets locked up in the medbay... That's the last thing he needs.

"It's not your fault. I don't know what it is with those masks... it's been hard for me, too. But I know that it's not impossible to fight it." Murphy takes Alex's shoulder, not sure if there's any way to try and anchor the kid to the present, in reality. "You can fight it, alright?"
sweetmotherofgod: (transfer to Jefferson)

[personal profile] sweetmotherofgod 2012-11-16 11:23 am (UTC)(link)
If someone has mentioned him (and they have), she's not going to bring it up. Nothing piques the paranoia quite like knowing people are talking about you. She settles next to him instead, just a fraction too close. Their hands sit curled over the edge of the pool; there's maybe another hand's breadth between them, no more. She's not entirely sure whether that's so she can hug him if he needs it, or so she can catch him if he throws himself forward.

"I woke up in the bathroom of a dumpling place once," she supplies. "I came out and the whole menu was in Chinese. All the signs and everything. I was so confused."

Out loud, that doesn't sound as comforting as she'd hoped.
receiving: (You Okay?)

[personal profile] receiving 2012-11-17 02:39 am (UTC)(link)
There's a noise that catches Henry's attention and turning his gaze toward the source of where he thinks it was, the sound was distinctly human. Or at least he hopes. It's awfully close too, so Henry cautiously makes his way over and it doesn't take long until he stops at the sight of a drenched man slouched against the wall and soaked.

Nothing should surprise him anymore -he'd been victim to so many unexpected sights and sounds- yet he can't help but be taken back by this sight. The man's face is covered by his hands and Henry can't see the person's face, but it's apparent the guy is in some sort of pain.

"Are you okay?" He speaks automatically, generally concerned, but also wary as he proceeds to approach in slow steps as the thoughts of this person turning into some sort of abomination and lunging are strong in his head.
sweetmotherofgod: (i have no control over myself)

[personal profile] sweetmotherofgod 2012-11-17 05:22 am (UTC)(link)
"Musta tried to, by the way my head felt."

She shakes her head. It's not good, what he's saying -- wandering, waking up strange places without knowing how he got there -- but he's lucid and talking to her and that's okay. She can work with that.

"It was after my dad died. And... well, you know. When I got back I went right off the rails. Did a lot of really dumb things in a pretty short space of time. But I got help with stuff, and it got easier."

She kicks her feet idly, watching the ripples that form. Not looking at him, in case that's too much pressure.

"If you wanted to talk to someone -- I mean, someone who might be able to help, in medical or something -- I could go with you. The creepy hospital shit's gotta be easier if we present a united front, right? Or there's Jenna. She's in psych, but she's not like they normally are. She's really great. She was my friend before I ever found out what she did."
shoyu: (❝ it's about time ❞)

[personal profile] shoyu 2012-11-17 05:34 am (UTC)(link)
"Well -- I can't say that's difficult to understand, given how hectic this place can be?" A rather lame sort of laugh, mostly half-hearted. To be honest, Soysauce was a little too concerned to just shake off his worries so easily. After all, ever since those masks had shown up, people seemed to be growing increasingly edgy.

"It's just -- " Pause. "Is there anything I could do to help?"
sweetmotherofgod: by <lj user=princessbloomy> (Suicide is a private thing)

[personal profile] sweetmotherofgod 2012-11-17 07:26 am (UTC)(link)
Oh

god.

She feels winded. All the air knocked out of her. He's called her that before, and if she'd just paid attention rather than writing it off as a slip... maybe she could have done something. Maybe he wouldn't have gotten this far gone.

She swallows hard, and when she speaks her voice is thick. Stilted.

"What if we went to someone from out of town? I could set that up. He'd never need to know."

She's lying to him. Acting like this, not correcting him, it's a fucking lie and it feels wrong but what can she do? He needs help, and some of that is probably on her. That place must have knocked him right down, and if she needs to feel a little gross to help make this right, then so be it.
yardbird: So I said, "No no no." Then they said that's not how prisons work. So then I went to prison. (they said i was going to prison)

[personal profile] yardbird 2012-11-17 09:13 am (UTC)(link)
The fact that they aren't going around in circles here, or that Alex isn't just looping back into his previous state in a spiral of denial says a lot.

Murphy sighs, relieved of that much, if he has nothing else to be grateful for. "Probably. But I'm not goin' anywhere, and that's not gonna change. I may not be this doctor of yours... but I know that you can do this. We've still got that deal, remember?"

Sure hope you do.

Part of it involves kicking his ass if he starts hurting other people.

Murphy doesn't know the first damned about what he's doing. He isn't a head doctor, and he doesn't understand what in God's name could be going on in Alex's own head, how to fix it, or if this is even something that can be fixed. Maybe they were all just broken beyond repair...

He then thought about Frank -- the one person who ever gave a shit about him when no one else did. Even when Murphy was a hopeless case who'd lost his mind, stole a car, and gave chase for as long as he could hold out, that man still somehow saw something in him that was worth something. Murphy may not know what that was, and, hell... he probably never will. But he sees now what it's like, to be on the other end of the spectrum. He understands why a person would do something like that, even if it only hurts him in the end.

"This... might not be the best place to be right now." Too much water here. He doesn't like water; neither of them do.
sweetmotherofgod: (transfer to Jefferson)

[personal profile] sweetmotherofgod 2012-11-18 02:52 am (UTC)(link)
"He - we could - oh, god damn it."

No, it's not gonna happen. Even if it wasn't weird and wrong, she's horrible at it. She sits a little straighter, shakes her head and turns to meet his eye.

"He's not gonna know. He's not here, Alex. And if he did show up, there are enough of us here who care about you to make sure nothing happens." Her legs are still now; no more paddling. No more trying to pretend everything's peachy.

"Look at where you are. Look at me. You know I'm not Elle."
receiving: (Looking Down)

[personal profile] receiving 2012-11-18 05:05 am (UTC)(link)
There's relief in Henry when Alex peeks up and he sees a normal -albeit exhausted and probably injured- human being staring back at him.

"No," he pauses and casually glances Alex over, "I'm real."

A part of Henry wants to know what happened, but he also knows that his man is in need of care and should therefore take care of that prior to anything. Plus, the last time he learned anything after coming across wounded and/or dying people, the truth wasn't pleasant.

"Do you need any help?"

This is an obvious question because Alex does need help, it's incredibly apparent, but Henry is not known for jumping in to the rescue.
shoyu: (❝ how you feel ❞)

[personal profile] shoyu 2012-11-18 05:37 am (UTC)(link)
That -- probably means Alex is hiding something. Soysauce can't help but frown for a moment, though he keeps his concern as subtle as possible. Just waffling over his words for a moment before speaking. "Ah, well. Please take care?" A pause before he adds with a weak smile, "With everything going on, people should watch out for each other, yes?"
sweetmotherofgod: (real life sucks losers dry)

[personal profile] sweetmotherofgod 2012-11-18 08:00 am (UTC)(link)
"I know. I know it's not. But it's true. Elle's not here. But if you're as close as I think you are - if you'd talk to her about this stuff - I know she'd want you to be okay too."

She tugs the chain around her neck, pops her locket out of her shirt.

"You know me. Heather, remember? You told me about your dogtags and I told you about my locket, and my dad. We went to the holodeck -" no, that wasn't a happy memory - "we sat outside Murphy and Anne's room. You played drums. You were pretty good."

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