ataraxionlogs | i see it in the way you stare as if there was trouble ahead and you knew it.

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i see it in the way you stare as if there was trouble ahead and you knew it.

CHARACTERS: Peter Burke and Neal Caffrey
LOCATION: Second Floor Kitchens
WARNINGS: None that I can think of? At best swearing maybe?
SUMMARY: Giving the USA Gay Seal a stroke, no big deal. No, actually Peter pressing about certain matters with Neal after the adventures in the neverending corridors and certain conversations that happened beforehand.
NOTES: Somewhere in a sort of nebulous timeframe post corridors.

[ truth be told, peter has to wonder if the corridors did him some good. sure he had run into reaper and had to deal whatever he wants to call those creatures to actually get out but in the time between those two incidents, he has to admit the quiet gave him time to think on things. namely what wichita had said as far as neal being able to go home and how neal had commented on his reputation being set and it bothers peter.

the thing is, it's one thing to know that something happened and know ever detail of what went on, and know how maybe it had changed neal. it's another to know that something happened while you weren't here and know almost none of the details about it and well it's hard to see which parts of neal really changed if any without the knowledge. that lack of knowledge is starting to eat away at peter, if he's being entirely honest, because it's a case he can't solve and it involves neal who was supposed to be someone he kept a close watch on. to have this happen feels like two mistakes he can't get over and— it's aggravating.

he's not mad at neal, not exactly, because if neal honestly has no clue what exactly is going on then he can't help it, but if he knows what's going on to any degree and he doesn't want to tell peter because of some need to protect him ( forget that he's a grown man ) then that presents a problem. a problem that if it exists, peter is hoping this meeting will rectify this. unlike a lot of people, he'll admit, he got off rather clean when it came to getting out of the lab, but he'd like to thank his gun for that more than anything else. a gun that he currently has in it's holster over his shirt. and if he's wearing his jeans, shut up neal, he does what he wants. ]

You know what's surreal? Knowing you should be hungry and not feeling it for a very long time. [ which, forgive him, neal, is how he's explaining the desire for the waffles. ]

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We could just never talk about it. [ before peter can respond-- ] Don't make that face, it was a joke. I have to laugh about it, I can't--

[ he shakes his head and subsides, sighing. ]

Something like that. It's-- you, I wish I could tell. I've lied a lot about this, Peter, but not right now. If there's anyone I wish I could just tell, it's you. [ because peter's always fixed his mistakes, somehow, through some miracle and the steadfast belief that neal can be the man peter wants him to be if he'd just try hard enough, lose the driving need to run and take and reach ever higher. ]

There's no other real option.

[ peter opens his month to speak but then neal tells him it's a joke and it just trails off into an exhale, heavier than he wants it to be, but it is what it is. ]

I know. And if there's anything I wish, it's that you could tell me about this. Because I want to hear about it. [ he wants to fix this, pull neal away from this mess if he can because if he can do that— if he can do that he won't worry. he can say without a doubt that neal is fine and that he'll always be fine and they can be themselves. and neal can be the man peter knows he can be.

there really isn't that sort of plan if this is where they are. ]

You told anyone other than me? How many people know about this other than me, confirmed know about this? Not just hearsay.

I don't want you to.

[ which contradicts wanting to tell peter, but feelings have never cared much for logic, and never will. he sighs, raking his hands through his hair. ] I hate this. I hate--

[ feeling weak, powerless. afraid. ]

Spock, Castiel, Tony Stark-- the one missing an eye. Both Irenes, Keller. And I'm sure Jaye's put two and two together, even if we've never quite had the talk about it. Moz, too.

And just this once, I'm going to have to say that I don't care what you want. I'm a grown man, Neal, I can handle it.

[ except, maybe things are too deep for him to handle maybe when he says that he wants to reassure neal, but he doesn't know. he almost thinks to grab neal's hands and hold his wrist like it'll steady him, but he tamps down on that urge. ] I know.

[ but then he hears the list and his jaw tightens. ]

So you just thought I'd be the last to know. If I didn't just press the issue would you have just not told me?

It's not a concern about being able to handle it-- although you can't, for the record-- but I just...

[ want to keep you separate and good, untouched. protect you. ]

Do you want the honest answer? Because you won't like it.

[ yes, his face plainly says; of course i would have let it lie, selfishly taken the time we have for myself and refused to allow reality to intrude in on it. ]

We wouldn't know since you hadn't thought to tell me. I— Neal, it's not just your decision to make.

[ don't just shut me out. nothing good comes from when you shut me out like this. ]

At this point, most of this conversation is something I haven't necessarily liked but here I am still listening and still wanting the answers that I might not like. You know I like it when you're honest.

[ peter can read it on his face, but he wants to hear it, wants to maybe just press that little bit that he probably shouldn't to get those words out of neal's mouth. ]

I wanted to have something that wasn't touched by this. I don't know, I just wanted--

[ not to be damaged; not to wonder if peter feels sorry for him, which somehow bothers him more than any other concrete worry he can put a name to. before they were friends, they still respected each other-- or peter may have only respected neal's talent and not his choices, but it's all the same.

he doesn't want to be worth pitying, broken; not when it comes to peter. ]

But obviously, that had an expiration date.

You know me Neal.

[ you couldn't have hid me from all of this forever. the thing is, peter always worries about neal, they respect each other, always have, but peter can't pretend that since they've become friends, he respects neal but worries just the same. maybe this makes it more obvious, but he has such intense faith in neal that it's less feeling sorry about him, and more—

wondering how far back peter might have to pull him to make it so neal can realign himself properly. ( he's not broken, because neal doesn't break, crack a little, but that's it. ) ]

I would have found out eventually. The least you could do was be the one to tell me instead of everyone else.

[ he nods in acknowledgement-- i do, that's the problem-- but stays quiet for a long moment. ]

I let it happen that way on purpose. 'Someone will tell him-- why does it have to be me? I want to have this, as long as I can.'

[ the least he can do now is be honest and admit he knew what would happen-- planned on it, used it to insulate himself from needing to be the one to tell peter for the first time. ]

[ he acknowledges the nod, not with answering one of his own but a subtle shift in how he's standing, how he looks at neal. ]

You think me knowing is going to change this? After all the things I know about you and that you know about me, you think me finding out about this is going to change this.

[ it will, it'll make peter worry more, but the respect will never leave. ]

It has to be you because— Neal do I really need to tell you why it does? [ it shows respect. that you respect me and trust me enough to tell me about these things. ]

I think it already has.

[ respect isn't what neal's worried about losing with this; he craves peter's respect ( his attention ) with enough intensity it's nearly a fix, but the intangible something he's terrified to see slip away even neal can't put a name to. ]

It couldn't be me, Peter. It's selfish but I couldn't be the first one to say it.

You're counting your chickens before they've hatched.

[ it's— what peter wants to do is reassure neal, even if right now all he wants to do is yell at him because how dare he do this. how dare he basically threw whatever they have, their friendship in his face by not having the decency to tell him himself. but he doesn't. because that's not what needs to be done right now. ]

It's selfish, but you've always been pretty selfish. Except when you're not and you do stupid things for the people you care for. [ a beat. ] I just would have thought we were close enough that you would anyway. I thought you'd have trusted me enough to tell me.

You're the only one I trust.

[ that's the thing smiley can't tear from his mind and the ship can't warp-- neal's adopted peter as his own true north, and it's fixed that way. ]

This isn't about not-- it's never about not trusting you. [ there's an urgency in his voice and a coiled tension in his body that wasn't there before, the need to convince peter of that almost palpable. ]

I remember you telling me.

[ proving it to me. proving that somehow you trusted me when it maybe made no sense to. it's— truth be told, one of those things that makes taking those leaps of faith for neal easier. it knowing that he could do a lot of things, and neal will trust him. he'll be mad, angry when lied to, but eventually it'll swing back to him. it's not exactly what he wants when it comes to neal, but it's a start. ]

Then tell what it is. Don't dance around it, tell me why out of all the things you won't tell me this. It's you and me together. I'm not— you're my partner. You don't just leave your partner in the dark.

[ somewhere in there is a comment of i won't let you do this alone. peter's voice is calm, but there's a tenseness in his shoulders that is obvious, like he needs to know, that not knowing almost raises his hackles. ]

I'm scared, Peter.

[ it's simple and bleak, neal's desperation seeping out of every single word. he's always been able to play the angles, find a way to twist in midair and turn a fall into a landing and take off running.

he can't see a way to keep from falling, this time. ]

I don't see a way out, and I'm terrified.

[ it's that answer, more than anything peter has ever heard come out of neal's mouth that scares him. neal doesn't get scared, or if he does, he doesn't show it like this.

he plays that angle, manages to make something that might be terrifying just fine. lying to neal perhaps isn't an option, but what he's saying isn't a lie, it's just a truth he can't guarantee. ( that doesn't make it better, not really but he can try. ) ]

Out of all the times I've wanted you to maybe admit something like that, this definitely isn't the situation I wanted it to happen in. [ a pause. ] I'm here. You know I am. Together we'll find it. Even if you can't see it right now, second pairs of eyes are always useful.

[ i'll get us out of here.. ]

Edited (shut up typooooos ) 2013-07-10 03:35 (UTC)

I trust you, Peter.

[ it's not quite the full-throated 'i know you'll get us home' neal has a feeling peter would like best, but between them it's always been what's most needed.

not quite believing in peter's ability to pry him loose from the snares he's stumbled into isn't the same as not believing in peter himself, and if proving that means neal has to accept and work alongside his try so be it.

the hug he yanks peter into is tense; slightly awkward and utterly lacking his usual grace, neal's hands cling to peter's shoulders for a moment like a drowning man to something, anything solid. then he tugs away, clearing his throat. ]

Please tell me we can stop talking about this now.

That's all I ever want, Neal.

[ in this case, it's not completely true, there's a lot of things peter wants in addition to that. but it always does come down to neal trusting him in the end, that's always the first thing peter wants above all else.

peter has hope, it hasn't been ripped away from him yet, not by a long shot ( it may happen eventually, because that's what the ship does, eats away at you, he can already tell that at least ) and it makes him think he can pry neal loose. makes him feel like he can have that strength to do it because it means getting neal and him out and home.

peter is almost shocked by the hug, and doesn't return it right at the same time, though his hands move to clutch neal's back, pulling him close ( letting him be that rock he's supposed to be ) before neal pulls away and he pulls away and also clears his throat.

that kids, is what we call a manly hug and i'm crying rn. ]

Definitely. Had enough of it for one day. Would still like the waffles though.

[ and then they ate waffles and i am cry. ]

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i see it in the way you stare as if there was trouble ahead and you knew it.

brothers in arms here, which won't mean anything until two cathedrals then it will KILL YOUR SOUL

THIS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT STOPS ME FROM GOING FURTHER IN THE SHOW.

BUT IN A GOOD WAY THO

BUT MAH SOUL!!!

sob mine too

i'm done with this log, gdi.

TOO MANY FEELS CAPN THE SHIP CANNAE TAKE IT

THE SHIP IS SINKING GET ALL THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN ON THE BOATS!!!

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no subject

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SOMETIMES I REMEMBER NEAL TRUSTS PETER AND I CRY.

IHU

SHHH YOU LOVE ME

i do not it because your love hurts

:C :C but i love you

your love hurts also mic drops y/n

both of our loves hurt and y.