Do you think I had a choice?

[to leave like that. to disappear with samandriel's body and not make any kind of contact since then. after the past five (seven) years, he'd hoped that dean at least knew him a little better than that.]

Naomi has been controlling my actions from the moment she had me rescued from Purgatory. I was with her during those months, being prepared to kill you.

[it's the first time he's said it aloud. the first time he's admitted it to anyone other than himself. naomi had mindwashed him. had controlled him in a way that he hadn't felt in years. she'd taken away his free will and left him he unknowing spy. and despite the blame being largely on her shoulders, it still leaves him feeling sick each time he thinks about it. each time he remembers just how close he'd been to ending dean's life.]

The tablet is the only thing keeping me free from her control. If I had stayed with you--

[there's a breath taken to bolster his thoughts. to prepare himself for the simple, honest truth of it all.]

Dean, if she regains control, she could use me against you again. I couldn't risk that.

[so he left. he kept the tablet to himself because it was the only thing keeping him himself.]