ataraxionlogs | what a dark mistake all my life has been [semi-closed]

No, no she doesn't. Levi's no stranger to the necessity of making yourself scarce sometimes... And whether or not Rey is concerned with airing her shit on the network (a topic Levi may bring up with her, or he may not) Levi feels like some degree of caution is still more than merited, especially given the questions he's definitely planning on asking her.

And so he sends another message- that's fine, on my way- and within ten minutes he'll be outside the door, calling out with a sharp knock.

"Hey. Open up."

His tone is neutral, and for once that's actually an accurate representation of how he's feeling about the whole situation- he still isn't quite sure what to make of this, honestly. Too many questions for him to jump to any conclusions just yet.

Edited (lmfao derppppppppppp) 2015-05-11 23:34 (UTC)

Finally having some free time from the network and friends and all that other crap, Rey sits still after Levi's last text.

Sophie's gone, likely to bodyguard Rhys or something. With the promise of company on the way, she's not too worried. She doesn't fidget for long before she hears the knock.

The door, now recognizing her nanites, slides open with Levi on the other side. There's a brief flash of relief on Rey's expression, as if she was also expecting the possibility of it being someone else on the other side. Or something, more like.

"Hey." Her voice is heavy and weary, from someone who hasn't had much sleep (or any at all) and hasn't done much caring for herself in a long time. She doesn't feel that she needs to explain to Levi, or anyone for that matter, the reasons why.

She steps back, quietly inviting him in so they're not stuck chattering in the middle of the hallways. Not really the best place for privacy, especially for paranoids.

Levi's also no stranger to letting certain things go- he barely sleeps as it is and there have been times where the hours have shrunk to minutes when there'd been more to worry about than usual...

But still. This is no place to weaken yourself, and there might be a tiny hint of disapproval in his voice:

"You look like shit," he says bluntly as he steps over the threshold. "Is that part of the compulsion too? You mentioned not wanting to be by yourself, before."

It's clear enough that she's been holed up somewhere, and everything about her person now and on the network screams that she hasn't had a whole lot of interaction for a while. It was probably pretty shit.

The door shuts automatically as soon as Levi enters. Sophie's quarters are just as sparse as Rey's own, with the exception of having a bed. (Sleeping on the floor like a feral animal is sort of a thing.)

At first she just shrugs, turning around to a couple of chairs in the corner of the quarters. She kicks one towards Levi and takes a seat in the other, her arms folding over her chest.

"Pretty sure the self-exile was more of a personal choice, but who even knows anymore." She makes a face when she's reminded of her temporary isolation. Her good hand then gestures to the room they're in. "Moved here shortly after almost going a little insane."

A little is putting it lightly. She just about nearly went to town trying to chase Firo off when he'd been fussing over her, as any good friend would. It was definitely shit.

Levi catches the seat with his boot and drops down into it without hesitation, peering around the room for a moment just to get his bearings before settling his full attention on Rey again.

He tilts his head at 'going a little insane', though, frowning.

"Huh." A pause. "So. What happened in the corridors? I thought whatever was inside of you was trying to keep you away from the heart of the ship, not roll out the damn carpet for you."

Make up your mind, TQ!!

The Tranquility is so damn fickle.

"Exactly. Yet soon as that crew showed up, it felt as though someone out there pulling me back in. And, for some reason, was able to walk through herds without being deterred, so. Kept walking, until the DUPRR sent out their distress call. Then started running, and didn't stop."

She pauses, her expression shifting to one of discomfort.

"Something wanted them gone. Perhaps it was even helping us to get there first."

"It wanted them gone, it used you to make that happen." His choice of words there, used you...

They're intentional. Rey might not be blameless since she did physically lead this asshole wherever the fuck she led him, but this sounds like it was orchestrated by someone (or something) else, and that can't be ignored either.

"Have you compared your experience with anyone else with-" a pause and a frown while he summons up the term she'd used from his memory bank, "-recon syndrome? Were any of them compelled to go stomping around after this group?"

Admittedly... He's a little out of the loop as far as where the others had ended up. He'd spent the majority of that clusterfuck trying to mow down monsters in the halls to keep casualties to a minimum, but after that... He hadn't bothered to do much else.

That was a mistake, he's realizing. It won't happen again.

Jaw tense, she just nods. His particular phrasing doesn't go beyond her notice, and she knows this. She's known it. And she wishes like hell that it was the only problem that's been plaguing her.

She scratches her forehead, her eyes glancing away for a moment as she recalls the accounts she's learned this far.

"Everyone else seemed more inclined to just kill them all. If anyone has gone to the White Room, they haven't spoken up about it."

Which is also possible. Not all people are as candid as Rey.

It hadn't been meant as comfort or reassurance so much as to let her know where he stands- if this is really what that asshole had been bitching about, he isn't quite sure he agrees with 'traitor'. ...Not to mention the fact that he's more willing to trust a fellow captive than he is a possible captor. HE DOESN'T OWE YOU SHIT YOU TEXT-TOOTHY FUCK.

...That said, he's not sure he agrees with being all noble on the network, either:

"They probably didn't want to paint a target on their back if that's the case," he observes.

Rey huffs.

"Wouldn't be the first time," she says flatly. "Besides, a few angry people are the least of our concerns right now. This doesn't just affect me, or a small group, or anything like that. Whatever happens, people should at least know what's coming. They're owed that much."

Her eyes return to Levi. She drums her the fingers on her good hand over her other shoulder.

"You wanted to know just as much as everyone else. Would you rather been kept in the dark when someone had answers?"

Smiley had already put Rey out there for everyone to see, and in his usual Smiley fashion had only provided people with cryptic details. Regardless of the consequences, Rey still stands by her most recent decision. She at least has that much freedom left.

Levi is absolutely one of those people who'd be up Smiley's ass, and for exactly the reason she's said- Levi wants to know, he feels like he deserves to know, especially since Smiley'd seen fit to taunt them with half-answers along with yet another cryptic warning. There had to be a reason he'd took the time out to raise the alarm... But Levi can't decide who it was meant to benefit, in the end. Was it a warning, really? Was it trying to ask for their help? He can't figure it out at all.

~~He wishes Erwin were still here- he was always good at this shit...~~

As for Rey's broadcast, at least that motivation is a little more clear now.

"I'm not saying it was completely pointless. Stopping the clock, or whatever that means- that's something. I guess there was no way around getting it out there the way you did, in the end- people would have questioned where that information came from eventually."

He sighs. A lose-lose situation, it seems. ...But he's dealt with enough of those that he isn't going to waste time arguing about it- the choice is made (and it was hers, not his), and now that he's expressed himself he isn't about to dwell.

"Was there more to it than that? Or was that just as vague as the rest."

If it's anyone who Rey can expect to hit the nail on the head, it's this guy right here. Captain Crabass.

She could have had it Firo's way and gone about the network anonymously, but at this point there was no sense in hiding anymore. And considering all the cautious types on board, that approach would've likely just drawn more doubt and suspicion, anyway.

Did she have all the answers? There's probably not a single passenger in this damned floating tin can who can make such a claim. But from what most people would consider vague, she understood.

That's sort of scary in its own right, now that she thinks about it.

"There was," she says. "May know what 'it' is. At least, he seemed to answer in his usual roundabout way.

"That room is the ship's core. Something lives in there, and whatever it is, it's been wanting us to go there for a long time. It's even been protected from the jumps." She stops, biting the inside of her cheek before she continues. "Since the beginning, the jumps were bringing people here just as they were sending them away. They tend to go home. We know that they can go home."

Her hand slides down her forehead, over her face, as though she's slowly peeling off a mask. Suddenly, her detached intonation is melted away into a voice that doesn't sound like her own. Well, it is, but it's not so much the fake-person speaking but that same culprit who was forced into confession.

"I think--" (she sounds strange, and makes a sound that's like a weird laugh devoid of even a hint of mirth) "I think what I did may have stopped anyone's chances of ever going back now. Or that 'it' is either going to stop us from going back during the jumps, or it's going to start coming for us now."

It's stupid, right? How utterly insane. But she stopped the clock-- and now it knows, and it's too late to fix anything.

Edited (hurr durr durr) 2015-05-13 09:38 (UTC)

He isn't without his talents...

Levi frowns, then frowns steadily harder the more information comes out of Rey's mouth. So there is something living in there- it's not just a theory anymore. And more than that, it's sentient, or at least seems to be- capable of luring people in, affecting things without needing contact at all; being able to avoid whatever would kill them without the tubes. Rey's alive so it didn't eat her or whatever it'd done to that other guy, but her condition isn't escaping Levi, unsettling at best and deeply concerning at worst.

It's shittier than he thought. But still:

"People have tried to go to it before and failed. If it comes here there's a chance we can use what we learned from those failures to figure out how to handle it on more familiar ground." They can't kill it or capture it if they can't reach the damn thing, is what he's saying. It's the closest to positive he's got.

He crosses his arms. Either way, Levi isn't gonna cower or wallow when he could be preparing instead.

"I think I've seen some new faces and voices on the network, so that much is still functional. People coming in. We won't know if the opposite is true until we know."

Don't dwell. Levi wants to return home as much as the next asshole, but if he spent all of his energy on that he'd be in trouble.

It doesn't take long for Rey to compose herself once more. Her hand comes under her chin now, and rests there as she falls silent again. Thinks. She's seen the newcomers-- one of them even having approached her over the network. That they know for certain. It was going back that Smiley had said would never happen now.

"There is something." She forces herself to straighten in her seat. Slouching doesn't become her. "Something that we seem to have that others before us didn't. Many of us have the advantage of not being average people. Or people at all."

I am not a person.

She squints, mentally searching through the mass amounts of information belonging to William's archival research she had gone through.

"Supposedly, we are 'out of control'. Perhaps the shadow itself sees us as a threat, because it wants us alone now."

"Levels the playing field a bit, maybe." He doesn't have that particular advantage- for all that he's a fucked up person at the fundamental level... He's still a person and won't kid himself otherwise: he has his limits, limits other people here aren't subject to. Them's the breaks...

Levi snorts. Out of control...

If there's anything here that's out of control it's this fucking ship and the poor bastards stuck on it so long that they've forgotten how to be anything other than a pain in his ass. He can't imagine a flight crew being so god damn vague- there's no room for cryptic bullshit in operations like that- and so if he had to guess he'd say that's a side-effect of being trapped in here for so long.

And as for Smiley, well. Levi can't begin to make assumptions about that. He'll just go with 'irritating' and leave it at that.

"We'll have to see to it we don't start to splinter, then. Even when stupid shit like this happens. If it's threatened enough to be pulling strings to keep us all from cooperating we might have a better chance than it seems. ...Unless it's just bored."

Attributing human emotions to non-human things might have seemed stupid before (like back home- if Levi had a feather for every time he bitched at Hange for humanizing the fucking titans he could dust the filthy things away), but you never know.

"Maybe," she agrees. "Unlike them, we have the tools and information to possibly hold out a little longer."

However long that may be. It's hard to gauge how long the Tranquility had been in travel before she had arrived on the first jump. If there's even a way to gauge time at all, considering how long they've actually been traveling in this thing.

"That's assuming it's capable of boredom. Though it may explain why we've been fucked with all these years." Even though it wants to keep them and it knows, their time spent in the White Room and their encounter with the shadow hasn't left them a memorable impression about what it is and what it wants with them. That she can remember, anyway.

Maddening, really. To have experienced lifetimes of having her head messed with, of memories being written and replaced, only to be placed into another's toolbox. It makes her gut wrench with disgust. Her time spent with Neson had been a short one, but she knew that "giving it more" wasn't the route she wanted to take when she stupidly chose not to kill the poor bastard.

After a few seconds, she swallows what feels like a jagged rock in her throat. "My biggest concern right now is being compelled by it again. If next time it tries to do something like that, it'll be someone I know."

Levi nods.

"It's a problem," he agrees, not even bothering sugar coating it. As a normal human he knows how dangerous he would be if something were able to take control of his actions, but Rey's... Something else entirely.

He frowns, shifting in his seat in thought. There could be something to that, maybe...

"What'd it feel like, at first? Did you know what was happening, or did it all go dark until after it was done with you?"

Good to know that she's on the same page with at least someone here. While she's hardly enthused on the prospect of being left to rot in seclusion (she already tried that, and it was less than productive), the risk of losing control over her actions isn't a thing she takes lightly. She understands even less how some people can't see the severity of it.

"At first? Suppose it was the same as the others. Whatever was compelling us all wanted me to kill, just like they did." Her eyes narrow. "That sort of thing has happened to me before even coming here. Perhaps that's why it was different. I felt an urge to kill that I knew wasn't my own, because another part of me wanted to save them. Not so much out of kindness, but to get answers. Was aware of what was happening the entire time."

Which, in a way, almost made things worse in the end.

"The urge disappeared once I'd found the pilot." Rather, it vanished after William had brutally murdered the other DUPRR member, but that's not her story to tell. "Thought we were heading back to the ship proper after that. I didn't know I was actually taking him to the White Room."

"So you had some warning, that's what you're saying." He hums. "That shit you were doing with the fire... How's that been going?"

There's a reason for this change of topic, he swears. A long shot, maybe, and certainly not the best option...

He's getting there.

"More or less." If having experience with that sort of thing counts as being warned.

She then blinks when he brings up her fire.

Seeing that they're a good enough distance from each other, Rey holds up her left hand for Levi to see. After a few seconds, her skin changes a darker color from the tips of her fingers to her wrist, with hot red veiny shapes glowing around her hand. The waves undulating around the heated skin persist, growing hotter until there's a spark of a flame flashing from her palm. She closes her fingers around it, snuffing out the fire. The veins fade, as does the off orange color return to her normal complexion.

Her eyes dart back to him. "It's progress."

Being able to melt the scales of a basilisk and then cook it to death is definitely progress.

Levi watches the heat grow, noting the discoloration, the veins, the waves coming off of Rey's hand, with slightly widened eyes. It's interesting, and most definitely progress considering what he'd seen the last time.

"It is," he agrees once the show's over and the heat's faded. "...When it was controlling you, did it have access to that?"

"Don't kn--" She starts, but then stops herself when she remembers what happened in the shuttle bay. What William did. How he had, due to his compulsion, used his own abilities to shift into a wire and send the young DUPRR's head nearly clean off. Except that the end result wasn't so clean. It was a bloody fucking mess.

It isn't so hard to entertain the notion that Rey had, for a brief moment, been inclined to do the same with her own ability.

Her brows knit. The corner of her lip twitches with discomfort. "Yes. It did."

Ugh.

"Shit." Openly discouraged, Levi rubs a hand over the back of his neck, fingers scraping over the too-long hairs he finds there. "I was gonna suggest using that to take some control back, but if it has access to that ability and your knowledge of how to use it..."

He trails off.

He tried.

Yeah, she isn't sure how that would work.

Instead Levi is giving her a chance to think of something else.

"There may be another option, though. A way to perhaps compartmentalize the knowledge. Don't know how well it would work in this case, and there'd be no way of testing it since this compulsion seems to be deeper than anything we've ever seen on the ship."

It was just harder to try and focus on compartmentalizing in her previous (and possibly current) state. But now that she was living with Sophie, she may be able to try to focus again.

Compartmentalizing had been what he was going for, yeah, but she does have a point that it'd be hard to test even if what he was thinking was possible.

"Right. It's too dangerous to wander down there again and see what happens." There are times when a risk is too risky, and this is definitely one of them.

"Seems to me like there are two options, one you don't have access to, or that we can't test- taking your control back somehow..." He sighs. "The other is preparing people for when it happens again, so they know what to expect. If it's not possible for someone to restrain you or overpower you, escaping until your head's clear again seems like the obvious goal."

He doesn't know what they're dealing with here- and he supposes that's true for Rey too, when you get down to it- so she'll have to work with what they do have.

what a dark mistake all my life has been [semi-closed]

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