Those were both completely true. He would have tried to explain it, and he would have glossed over what he'd done - but he knew he wouldn't have been able to keep the words vomiting from his mouth because he'd already failed to hide the fact that he'd killed Fef from Jade, and how could he ever hope to keep the fact that he'd killed Kan from Kanaya herself?

And the matriorb. No. That, he would have glossed over. That, he wouldn't have mentioned at all, until she'd asked. If she'd asked. (Of course she would have asked, and then what would you have done, you stupid, moronic, blathering-)

"I - I don't. No, I wwould'a... I wwould'a told you, I wwas plannin' on it already - shit, Kan." He held up his hands, half-heartedly, like telling her to lay off the chainsaw before it even made an appearance. Let me try to figure out what to say, here. "You didn't sound like you kneww wwhat - uh, wwhat happened, an' I didn't think it wwas fuckin' fair'a me to... not tell you. But you said you didn't knoww wwhat I wwas apologizin' for, an' I'd already started apologizin', an' I can't just leavve it at that-"

He could hear his words losing control of themselves, but it was nearly impossible to try to rein them in. "But you knoww, so I don't havve to tell you wwhat I wwas apologizin' for in the first place," he finished, weakly, dropping one of his hands (but not both, because he wasn't that uncautious). "I...."

Shit. Fucking shit.

"...I didn't mean to."