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ataraxionlogs2013-02-28 04:15 pm
suit) wrote in ataraxionlogs2013-02-28 04:15 pm
Entry tags:
i see it in the way you stare as if there was trouble ahead and you knew it.
CHARACTERS: Peter Burke and Neal Caffrey
LOCATION: Second Floor Kitchens
WARNINGS: None that I can think of? At best swearing maybe?
SUMMARY: Giving the USA Gay Seal a stroke, no big deal. No, actually Peter pressing about certain matters with Neal after the adventures in the neverending corridors and certain conversations that happened beforehand.
NOTES: Somewhere in a sort of nebulous timeframe post corridors.
[ truth be told, peter has to wonder if the corridors did him some good. sure he had run into reaper and had to deal whatever he wants to call those creatures to actually get out but in the time between those two incidents, he has to admit the quiet gave him time to think on things. namely what wichita had said as far as neal being able to go home and how neal had commented on his reputation being set and it bothers peter.
the thing is, it's one thing to know that something happened and know ever detail of what went on, and know how maybe it had changed neal. it's another to know that something happened while you weren't here and know almost none of the details about it and well it's hard to see which parts of neal really changed if any without the knowledge. that lack of knowledge is starting to eat away at peter, if he's being entirely honest, because it's a case he can't solve and it involves neal who was supposed to be someone he kept a close watch on. to have this happen feels like two mistakes he can't get over and— it's aggravating.
he's not mad at neal, not exactly, because if neal honestly has no clue what exactly is going on then he can't help it, but if he knows what's going on to any degree and he doesn't want to tell peter because of some need to protect him ( forget that he's a grown man ) then that presents a problem. a problem that if it exists, peter is hoping this meeting will rectify this. unlike a lot of people, he'll admit, he got off rather clean when it came to getting out of the lab, but he'd like to thank his gun for that more than anything else. a gun that he currently has in it's holster over his shirt. and if he's wearing his jeans, shut up neal, he does what he wants. ]
You know what's surreal? Knowing you should be hungry and not feeling it for a very long time. [ which, forgive him, neal, is how he's explaining the desire for the waffles. ]
LOCATION: Second Floor Kitchens
WARNINGS: None that I can think of? At best swearing maybe?
SUMMARY: Giving the USA Gay Seal a stroke, no big deal. No, actually Peter pressing about certain matters with Neal after the adventures in the neverending corridors and certain conversations that happened beforehand.
NOTES: Somewhere in a sort of nebulous timeframe post corridors.
[ truth be told, peter has to wonder if the corridors did him some good. sure he had run into reaper and had to deal whatever he wants to call those creatures to actually get out but in the time between those two incidents, he has to admit the quiet gave him time to think on things. namely what wichita had said as far as neal being able to go home and how neal had commented on his reputation being set and it bothers peter.
the thing is, it's one thing to know that something happened and know ever detail of what went on, and know how maybe it had changed neal. it's another to know that something happened while you weren't here and know almost none of the details about it and well it's hard to see which parts of neal really changed if any without the knowledge. that lack of knowledge is starting to eat away at peter, if he's being entirely honest, because it's a case he can't solve and it involves neal who was supposed to be someone he kept a close watch on. to have this happen feels like two mistakes he can't get over and— it's aggravating.
he's not mad at neal, not exactly, because if neal honestly has no clue what exactly is going on then he can't help it, but if he knows what's going on to any degree and he doesn't want to tell peter because of some need to protect him ( forget that he's a grown man ) then that presents a problem. a problem that if it exists, peter is hoping this meeting will rectify this. unlike a lot of people, he'll admit, he got off rather clean when it came to getting out of the lab, but he'd like to thank his gun for that more than anything else. a gun that he currently has in it's holster over his shirt. and if he's wearing his jeans, shut up neal, he does what he wants. ]
You know what's surreal? Knowing you should be hungry and not feeling it for a very long time. [ which, forgive him, neal, is how he's explaining the desire for the waffles. ]
no subject
[ it's sad how the bump makes peter pleased. it makes him think that maybe he's right, that there's more of the old neal left than wichita thinks. ( then again, so many things have changed and— no. ) ]
If you had your way, later would forever be 'later'. You want me to ask again?
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[ real, genuine playfulness-- not an act, or sark's barbed amusements-- like this hasn't been part of his life for so long neal soaks it in greedily, leaving their shoulders brushing together. ]
No, I-- all right. There was someone I met here; not... strictly romantic, or traditional, but he mattered. [ neal swallows hard, busying himself with making food and trying not to let his hands or voice shake. ] He died. And then just after that Moz left, and Keller convinced me to go on a bender together. For some reason, I decided after rock bottom I needed to go on a-- don't laugh, a walkabout. I had promised to do something you definitely wouldn't have approved of, and I needed to sort myself out.
[ he flips the first waffle onto a plate and begins the next, tearing off a hunk and shoving the rest at peter. ] No one had ever come back damaged before, so I didn't know what I was risking.
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[ at home peter knows they were stretching their limits of being playful because of that stupid u-boat and even on the ship, their playfulness seems stilted just a tad. this right here? is something peter willing gives and gets back. it's familiar and who can begrudge either of them for it. ]
Neal— [ it's perhaps telling that peter seems to focus on neal's hands while he makes the food as he's speaking, watching to see the hand shake and listens to hear a shake in his voice. he thinks about kate and while it may not be the same thing a walkabout means it did something close to it. ] You've never hit rock bottom. I asked you if you ever had and you told me that you never said you did.
[ peter stares at the waffle like it holds the mysteries of the universe for a moment before hums and looks at neal. ]
You changed. [ it's not an accusation, not really, it's more of a continuation on what he remembers neal saying because saying, you came back damaged acknowledges that, even if it's not the case, him not being here to reel neal back in, led to him being damaged. and peter was supposed to be able to prevent that. ]
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[ but this time peter wasn't there to stop him, and all the influences who stepped into the void peter left-- the irenes and keller, then-- only encouraged his thirst for vengeance, if not his methods with the first two. he left because he didn't know how to pull back, and not pulling back meant a choice that couldn't be undone. ] I decided I'd take some time, wander. See if that was what I really wanted, or if I made a promise in the heat of the moment and it wasn't worth the cost.
[ unspoken, but there: i didn't want to become someone you would hate, even without you here. ]
It didn't go like I thought it would. [ his lips quirk, humorlessly. ] I changed.
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he won't pretend that he doesn't know someone had to fill the void while he wasn't here, because he knows someone had to and— he wishes they had been more on his side of things, capable of reining neal in and telling him that he doesn't need to do this because it wouldn't help him feel any better or make anything go away. there's a moment when peter considers just saying what he's thinking about all of this before he reads the meaning between what neal is saying. in response, he just moves his hand to squeeze neal's shoulder for a second before letting it sit there. ]
You did what I would have told you to do. I would have told you to pull back and think about it. And I would have told you to tell me why you wanted to kill the person too. But you pulled back and thought about it.
[ again unspoken: thank you for reminding me why i think you're worth it and proving that i've actually gotten through to you. ( of course, the end result isn't what it should be, but it's the thought that counts, isn't it? ) ]
So I figured. [ he frowns, because this is proving to be worse and worse and it's— eating at his insides knowing this could have been prevented. ] How much? [ how bad? ]
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[ because somewhere in there making peter happy-- living up to his expectations-- became important to neal, more than he thought anyone's want but his own ever would be. ]
Spock says it's-- that whatever Himself did to me, out there? I can't process it. [ he taps the side of his head, sighs. ] Limited capacity of the human brain, something like that. When I first wandered back in there was hypothermia to deal with, starvation... I was raving, but they didn't think much of it.
[ he swallows, hard. ] I did it again, later. After I was fine. And I had no idea it was me-- thought it was a prank, someone screwing with my reputation for messing around on the network.
[ he looks down at his hands, flexes the fingers. ] Spock said no. And I draw things, Peter, things I don't remember putting down on paper. It's like I'm... me, and then I'm just gone. I don't know where I go.
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[ there's a part of peter, deep down that thinks about how neal wanting to make him happy, wanting to live up to the expectations he set is the best thing. that's all peter has ever wanted neal to do, meet the expectations he knows he can and see that being on his side of things isn't half bad. ]
You only use ten percent of it, there's an idea about how we can't access the rest. [ and then there's a very long silence where peter just listens. he listens to neal tell him that, in effect, he isn't in control of his own actions when he posts to the network like that.
for all peter wants neal to be on the right side of the law, he never wants to change who neal is as a person. he doesn't want to take the guy he knows, replace him with some law-abiding citizen and then let the normal neal come out and play when he's done. but this, whoever himself is, whatever himself is using neal for sets peter on edge, makes the weight of knowing that he failed in doing what he's supposed to for neal settle deep in his gut and twist into something that makes him want to hurt them for doing this.
but he won't. not yet, not until he hears more. ] And then you come back and you don't know. You come back to seeing a post on the network that's you dicking around but isn't really you.
Jesus, Neal. [ a heavy exhale. ] Do you ever get a warning you're going to have an episode? Which, honestly, this what this sounds like so I'm going to use that word.
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[ the snap back is instinctive, more cornered dog terrified than truly angry. he's never truly wanted to imagine old age; the loss of faculty, being vulnerable. confused, weak.
he hates what this ship has turned him into, sometimes. ]
But no, it's just-- it feels like it's just always there.
[ and that the sanity is the mask now, but some thoughts are too terrible to bear said aloud. ]
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[ he says it almost like he's trying to soothe a cornered dog. peter is okay with old age, it's a natural part of life, he might not enjoy the idea of becoming weak and vulnerable and— well confusion means taking away his brain, making it crumble slowly and peter does admittedly dread that particular bit. ( if he loses the memories of his life that'd be— ) ]
A constant presence lurking in the back of everything. Something you can't escape.
[ it's peter trying to understand though he knows when neal doesn't want to talk about something it's— even he can't pry it from him. the best he can do is guess like he is right now. ]
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[ but he's quibbling over loaded words and not peter's meaning because he's exactly right, and having such a neat label to apply rather than the vague, euphemistic language neal prefers lays it wide open: he can argue good or bad as far as he likes, it doesn't change that something's split in him and it's not under his control. ]
No, no, it's-- this really isn't a Williams play, I'm not constantly in fear of my meaner self emerging from the depths. It's just... [ he sighs, runs his hands through his hair and yanks on the ends a little, frustrated. ] 'Mine eyes have seen the glory'. I know what I saw. But when I try and find words, even just in my own head...
[ he shrugs. ]
Nothing. I literally can't find a single word, Peter, not one. [ in a less serious situation, this would be a joke back at the office-- diana crowing over how caffrey's finally speechless, jones slyly egging her on while neal pretends affront and peter watches them all with that smile he gets when things are going well.
it isn't a joke, now. ]
i feel like you'll enjoy knowing i'm listening to animated movie songs in their native languages rn.
[ this is the problem, the fact that neal seems to want to leave it in the gray area as much as he can, and all peter wants to do is drag it into one side or the other as far as what it is goes. ]
It's indescribable. Something that you'd have to experience for yourself to be able to— fully understand. And even then you wouldn't be able to describe it any better than you can.
[ it's not a joke, and all peter can do is frown, his face looking almost pinched. ]
And you're living with it. have been since you got back.
brothers in arms here, which won't mean anything until two cathedrals then it will KILL YOUR SOUL
[ he shakes his head and subsides, sighing. ]
Something like that. It's-- you, I wish I could tell. I've lied a lot about this, Peter, but not right now. If there's anyone I wish I could just tell, it's you. [ because peter's always fixed his mistakes, somehow, through some miracle and the steadfast belief that neal can be the man peter wants him to be if he'd just try hard enough, lose the driving need to run and take and reach ever higher. ]
There's no other real option.
THIS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT STOPS ME FROM GOING FURTHER IN THE SHOW.
I know. And if there's anything I wish, it's that you could tell me about this. Because I want to hear about it. [ he wants to fix this, pull neal away from this mess if he can because if he can do that— if he can do that he won't worry. he can say without a doubt that neal is fine and that he'll always be fine and they can be themselves. and neal can be the man peter knows he can be.
there really isn't that sort of plan if this is where they are. ]
You told anyone other than me? How many people know about this other than me, confirmed know about this? Not just hearsay.
BUT IN A GOOD WAY THO
[ which contradicts wanting to tell peter, but feelings have never cared much for logic, and never will. he sighs, raking his hands through his hair. ] I hate this. I hate--
[ feeling weak, powerless. afraid. ]
Spock, Castiel, Tony Stark-- the one missing an eye. Both Irenes, Keller. And I'm sure Jaye's put two and two together, even if we've never quite had the talk about it. Moz, too.
BUT MAH SOUL!!!
[ except, maybe things are too deep for him to handle maybe when he says that he wants to reassure neal, but he doesn't know. he almost thinks to grab neal's hands and hold his wrist like it'll steady him, but he tamps down on that urge. ] I know.
[ but then he hears the list and his jaw tightens. ]
So you just thought I'd be the last to know. If I didn't just press the issue would you have just not told me?
sob mine too
[ want to keep you separate and good, untouched. protect you. ]
Do you want the honest answer? Because you won't like it.
[ yes, his face plainly says; of course i would have let it lie, selfishly taken the time we have for myself and refused to allow reality to intrude in on it. ]
i'm done with this log, gdi.
[ don't just shut me out. nothing good comes from when you shut me out like this. ]
At this point, most of this conversation is something I haven't necessarily liked but here I am still listening and still wanting the answers that I might not like. You know I like it when you're honest.
[ peter can read it on his face, but he wants to hear it, wants to maybe just press that little bit that he probably shouldn't to get those words out of neal's mouth. ]
TOO MANY FEELS CAPN THE SHIP CANNAE TAKE IT
[ not to be damaged; not to wonder if peter feels sorry for him, which somehow bothers him more than any other concrete worry he can put a name to. before they were friends, they still respected each other-- or peter may have only respected neal's talent and not his choices, but it's all the same.
he doesn't want to be worth pitying, broken; not when it comes to peter. ]
But obviously, that had an expiration date.
THE SHIP IS SINKING GET ALL THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN ON THE BOATS!!!
[ you couldn't have hid me from all of this forever. the thing is, peter always worries about neal, they respect each other, always have, but peter can't pretend that since they've become friends, he respects neal but worries just the same. maybe this makes it more obvious, but he has such intense faith in neal that it's less feeling sorry about him, and more—
wondering how far back peter might have to pull him to make it so neal can realign himself properly. ( he's not broken, because neal doesn't break, crack a little, but that's it. ) ]
I would have found out eventually. The least you could do was be the one to tell me instead of everyone else.
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I let it happen that way on purpose. 'Someone will tell him-- why does it have to be me? I want to have this, as long as I can.'
[ the least he can do now is be honest and admit he knew what would happen-- planned on it, used it to insulate himself from needing to be the one to tell peter for the first time. ]
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You think me knowing is going to change this? After all the things I know about you and that you know about me, you think me finding out about this is going to change this.
[ it will, it'll make peter worry more, but the respect will never leave. ]
It has to be you because— Neal do I really need to tell you why it does? [ it shows respect. that you respect me and trust me enough to tell me about these things. ]
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[ respect isn't what neal's worried about losing with this; he craves peter's respect ( his attention ) with enough intensity it's nearly a fix, but the intangible something he's terrified to see slip away even neal can't put a name to. ]
It couldn't be me, Peter. It's selfish but I couldn't be the first one to say it.
SOMETIMES I REMEMBER NEAL TRUSTS PETER AND I CRY.
[ it's— what peter wants to do is reassure neal, even if right now all he wants to do is yell at him because how dare he do this. how dare he basically threw whatever they have, their friendship in his face by not having the decency to tell him himself. but he doesn't. because that's not what needs to be done right now. ]
It's selfish, but you've always been pretty selfish. Except when you're not and you do stupid things for the people you care for. [ a beat. ] I just would have thought we were close enough that you would anyway. I thought you'd have trusted me enough to tell me.
IHU
[ that's the thing smiley can't tear from his mind and the ship can't warp-- neal's adopted peter as his own true north, and it's fixed that way. ]
This isn't about not-- it's never about not trusting you. [ there's an urgency in his voice and a coiled tension in his body that wasn't there before, the need to convince peter of that almost palpable. ]
SHHH YOU LOVE ME
[ proving it to me. proving that somehow you trusted me when it maybe made no sense to. it's— truth be told, one of those things that makes taking those leaps of faith for neal easier. it knowing that he could do a lot of things, and neal will trust him. he'll be mad, angry when lied to, but eventually it'll swing back to him. it's not exactly what he wants when it comes to neal, but it's a start. ]
Then tell what it is. Don't dance around it, tell me why out of all the things you won't tell me this. It's you and me together. I'm not— you're my partner. You don't just leave your partner in the dark.
[ somewhere in there is a comment of i won't let you do this alone. peter's voice is calm, but there's a tenseness in his shoulders that is obvious, like he needs to know, that not knowing almost raises his hackles. ]
i do not it because your love hurts
[ it's simple and bleak, neal's desperation seeping out of every single word. he's always been able to play the angles, find a way to twist in midair and turn a fall into a landing and take off running.
he can't see a way to keep from falling, this time. ]
I don't see a way out, and I'm terrified.
:C :C but i love you
he plays that angle, manages to make something that might be terrifying just fine. lying to neal perhaps isn't an option, but what he's saying isn't a lie, it's just a truth he can't guarantee. ( that doesn't make it better, not really but he can try. ) ]
Out of all the times I've wanted you to maybe admit something like that, this definitely isn't the situation I wanted it to happen in. [ a pause. ] I'm here. You know I am. Together we'll find it. Even if you can't see it right now, second pairs of eyes are always useful.
[ i'll get us out of here.. ]
your love hurts also mic drops y/n
[ it's not quite the full-throated 'i know you'll get us home' neal has a feeling peter would like best, but between them it's always been what's most needed.
not quite believing in peter's ability to pry him loose from the snares he's stumbled into isn't the same as not believing in peter himself, and if proving that means neal has to accept and work alongside his try so be it.
the hug he yanks peter into is tense; slightly awkward and utterly lacking his usual grace, neal's hands cling to peter's shoulders for a moment like a drowning man to something, anything solid. then he tugs away, clearing his throat. ]
Please tell me we can stop talking about this now.
both of our loves hurt and y.
[ in this case, it's not completely true, there's a lot of things peter wants in addition to that. but it always does come down to neal trusting him in the end, that's always the first thing peter wants above all else.
peter has hope, it hasn't been ripped away from him yet, not by a long shot ( it may happen eventually, because that's what the ship does, eats away at you, he can already tell that at least ) and it makes him think he can pry neal loose. makes him feel like he can have that strength to do it because it means getting neal and him out and home.
peter is almost shocked by the hug, and doesn't return it right at the same time, though his hands move to clutch neal's back, pulling him close ( letting him be that rock he's supposed to be ) before neal pulls away and he pulls away and also clears his throat.
that kids, is what we call a manly hug and i'm crying rn. ]
Definitely. Had enough of it for one day. Would still like the waffles though.
[ and then they ate waffles and i am cry. ]