[ James watches Lily shift, in their conversation. watches her drop the hypotheticals, instantly, and he almost wishes he could take it back. maybe, in another place, he would have reared back up at her. his voice might have gone up and he might have yelled back, because she's attacking him and how he dealt with this. it bothers him that she's still so attached to someone like severus snape, bothers him deep down in his core, but he can't really blame her for reacting like this.
if he wasn't so emotionally drained, already, he might have responded a little more extreme. but after a day of dealing with his death, his marriage to lily and then her death, the war and their future and everything that comes with it, he doesn't have it in him to be angry at anyone else. and Lily's just upset, because yeah maybe Snape was her friend at one point and yeah, okay. maybe James could have been a little more mature about it, but he was just a kid (still just a kid) and Snape was just as bad. and she's sitting there, expecting him to be the better man here? or expected him to be the better man? it makes him angry because it's not his fault Snape was a prick to everyone, professors included. it's not his fault. and it bothers him more so that she's still sticking up for that prat when he knows they're not friends anymore. he knows it. ]
How are you mad at me? And standing up for him? I'm not the one that called you- [ he can't even say it, not when she's standing right in front of him. when she's obviously torn up about all this. but Snape had called her that, he had, and James had seen it and it still infuriates him. how Lily could even stand to have been friends with someone like that, he doesn't know. doesn't understand.
James just stares at her while she finishes, because he'd tried to interject but couldn't even finish his comment, and then she's all but screaming at him. yelling, shouting, like it's still his fault, everything is his fault, and he wants to match her. he does. but he can't bring himself to react beyond setting his jaw, standing his ground and weathering through her outburst, staring at her. and when she finishes, gets embarrassed and tries to apologize, he has a hard time shifting back out of it again. ]
No, don't-- don't apologize if that's how you really feel. [ even when he doesn't know how to react to it, because there's not enough in him at this point to get angry. not over something that, in retrospect, seems so idiotic and insignificant as severus snape. but he figures Lil deserves something more than just his empty stare, so he shrugs, looks away from her. waits to she'll kill him if he tries to approach her. and maybe it's his pride - one of the few negative aspects of being a gryffindor - or maybe it's something else, that spurs him on to speak. but he does, keeping his eyes away from her. ] I didn't apologize, and won't apologize, to him because he doesn't deserve it. Doesn't deserve anything. Didn't deserve you.
[ that last part slips out, too fast for him to even think about holding it back, and he just closes his eyes and hopes that maybe - by some twist of fate - she might not comment on it. ]
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if he wasn't so emotionally drained, already, he might have responded a little more extreme. but after a day of dealing with his death, his marriage to lily and then her death, the war and their future and everything that comes with it, he doesn't have it in him to be angry at anyone else. and Lily's just upset, because yeah maybe Snape was her friend at one point and yeah, okay. maybe James could have been a little more mature about it, but he was just a kid (still just a kid) and Snape was just as bad. and she's sitting there, expecting him to be the better man here? or expected him to be the better man? it makes him angry because it's not his fault Snape was a prick to everyone, professors included. it's not his fault. and it bothers him more so that she's still sticking up for that prat when he knows they're not friends anymore. he knows it. ]
How are you mad at me? And standing up for him? I'm not the one that called you- [ he can't even say it, not when she's standing right in front of him. when she's obviously torn up about all this. but Snape had called her that, he had, and James had seen it and it still infuriates him. how Lily could even stand to have been friends with someone like that, he doesn't know. doesn't understand.
James just stares at her while she finishes, because he'd tried to interject but couldn't even finish his comment, and then she's all but screaming at him. yelling, shouting, like it's still his fault, everything is his fault, and he wants to match her. he does. but he can't bring himself to react beyond setting his jaw, standing his ground and weathering through her outburst, staring at her. and when she finishes, gets embarrassed and tries to apologize, he has a hard time shifting back out of it again. ]
No, don't-- don't apologize if that's how you really feel. [ even when he doesn't know how to react to it, because there's not enough in him at this point to get angry. not over something that, in retrospect, seems so idiotic and insignificant as severus snape. but he figures Lil deserves something more than just his empty stare, so he shrugs, looks away from her. waits to she'll kill him if he tries to approach her. and maybe it's his pride - one of the few negative aspects of being a gryffindor - or maybe it's something else, that spurs him on to speak. but he does, keeping his eyes away from her. ] I didn't apologize, and won't apologize, to him because he doesn't deserve it. Doesn't deserve anything. Didn't deserve you.
[ that last part slips out, too fast for him to even think about holding it back, and he just closes his eyes and hopes that maybe - by some twist of fate - she might not comment on it. ]