ataraxionlogs | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

CHARACTERS: kirk + spock + sulu
LOCATION: medbay
WARNINGS: none!
SUMMARY: kirk vs sulu, with mr. spock here to referee.
NOTES: backdated to mondayish.

[ he doesn't want to go to medbay. he wants to sleep, wants to be alone in his room in the dark and the quiet, laying on the floor to feel the vibration of the ship around him and remind himself that he's alright ( you're okay, you're okay, you're okay ) like this was any other mission. like this was vulcan and the drill and the neruda and afterwards it'd been weeks and weeks before he'd come down from the adrenaline rush. this wasn't that, but maybe he could trick himself into thinking it was.

but in the end, medbay it was. sulu's not much of a good little officer these days ( brig or transfer, but they're not on the enterprise, are they? ) but maybe if he makes the reach that'll do something to appease kirk. so he drags himself down to the med bay. he fully expects kirk to be there already, spock not far behind. that's why he pauses before he gets out of the lift, taking a breath and steeling himself before he heads in. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[it's nervous energy that races through him, because he has no idea what's going to meet him down in medical. Sulu, yes, but in what shape? their conversation had been in audio only, and Sulu had sounded far from one hundred percent.

he didn't expect him to be. hadn't expected him to come back at all.

Jim paces outside medical, hands restless (touching one another, tapping at his sides) and it isn't until he hears the helmsman's footsteps that his movements draws up short. he expects to continue being angry, coping with the anxiety by keeping structure and control, a subconscious effort of deflection— but seeing Sulu is like a punch to the gut.

he breathes in sharply and turns, starts toward him with purpose, though his expression is hard to read as to what his intentions might be when he reaches his pilot.]

[ what sulu's good at is keeping everything beneath the surface, keeping his game face intact. the crash comes later. sulu can feel that coming, the inevitable breaking point when he just can't keep it together, but it's muted, tamped down, because he has work to do right now and he can't indulge it. not yet.

there's no time to settle and get his footing. kirk beat him, which isn't really a surprise. sulu hesitates for a moment, clasps his hands behind his back. it's late in the game to call back to starfleet, but it's still instinctive, falling into parade rest when the captain approaches. ]

Captain.

[ there's a method to it, when and where sulu will use kirk's name and when he won't. this isn't the moment, even if sulu wants to just--

but nothing on this ship is about what any of them want. even this. ]

[ it is not that spock is distrustful of his fellow crew members, because nothing could be further from the truth. they are men and women who had risked everything for one another. who had not once hesitated to jump from relative safety for the sake of a dying planet and it's people, who would endanger their lives to catch the other- because even a marginal risk was worth taking. spock has every reason in the world, demonstrated ten times over in loyalty and bravery to trust these men- and he does. but perhaps- not unconditionally so.

was it human nature to be blamed?
these men could be so many things for others, and yet save no gentleness, no temperance, no patience for themselves.

he hears the address from some distance off, still largely out of sight, but does not stop short. he had not informed the captain of his intention to attend. it occurs to him as something of an afterthought that his presence may be regarded as an interruption. ]

[he wants to grab him, but Kirk isn't sure what would follow afterward. concern and anger run so close together inside him that he could just as easily shake him or hit him as grab him into a hug. the fact was that Sulu had taken off, had gone somewhere Kirk couldn't even follow as much as he wanted to because he had a responsibility here. Stark had made sure he was aware of that much.

Sulu folds into parade rest and Kirk hoists his walls back up.

he's a captain, they are Starfleet. he needs to offer structure and remind them both of that because this was what happened when they let it slip. when they let it slip, people died. Sulu could have died. should be dead. his eyes rake over his helmsman, taking in the damage.]

What happened? [it's a demand more than anything else.]

[ parade rest is good. parade rest means his hands clasped lightly behind his back and sulu feels better when they're out of sight. it's new and unpleasant, having such a tangible weak spot. ]

I got turned around. I meant to be back by the jump.

[ there's a lot that sulu doesn't want to say, abruptly. it's very childish, and he recognizes it as such. but saying all of it makes it too real. all sulu wants to do is hedge, wants to lie down in his room and breathe until he stops feeling like hes' about to shake apart. ]

[ there is something to be said for their positions, that speaks to the levels each of them has been required to rotate within. to evolve around. spock comes up on them from a corridor some few feet away, and it is enough to allow himself to be seen. to give the pair of his fellow officers a significant signal to his presence. there is too much electricity in his captain's face- the firing of hundreds of emotions at once, and a bone deep resolve to contain them. there is too much lead in his pilot's spine- compounds that keep him rigid and still and composed against the fractures that threaten to run him apart.

his gait stops just there, officially in view, officially present, and spock acknowledges the interruption he presents with a faint nod of his head. a wordless apology as his own hands come to collect one another, resting at the small of his back. ]

[Jim's attention pulls from Sulu at the interruption, and for a moment that hard look is leveled at Spock. whether it's surprise at his being there, irritation that he's showed up at all, or something else entirely is hard to say. it could just be that Kirk is on fire and teasing the edge of a blade for how rampant he feels.

Spock being there doesn't soothe Kirk, but it tempers him somehow; a reminder of what his position really is, that he can't let himself get folded in under and direct the tidal at Sulu.

when his attention comes back around, it's still hard.]

That isn't good enough. [because he knows Sulu would have been back. he wouldn't do that to himself (right?)] You should be nothing but a smear in a hallway right now. [it's harsh, and distantly Kirk is aware of it, but despite being a captain, being part of Starfleet, there are pieces of him that are jagged and angry and belong back in Iowa] What happened?

[ sulu watches them, notes the look that passes between them. his eyes rest on spock for a long moment, because sulu's confided in spock, laid a weakness at his feet. that too is childish, is the part of sulu that's young and overwhelmed and just needed the reassurance, the kind that he can't ask of kirk. but he can't expect spock to intervene, not here.

and the thing is, sulu should be a lot of things. he should be dead but for a stupid mistake at the helm. he should be dead but for kirk's heroics. he should be dead but for dumb luck. and now he should be dead but for--

well. ]

I ducked into a sideroom. [ it comes out less certain than it should because sulu doesn't remember it, not all of it. parts of it are lost, and he's pieced them back together the best he can. this is what happened to me, because sulu desperately needs to control at least that. ] It was a lucky guess.

[ lucky. sulu's tone breaks a little on that. ]

Edited 2013-05-02 17:47 (UTC)

If I may. [ his tone, the fluid line that his body becomes, sliding into motion, is enough to make his intent a statement, despite the formally worded request. there are limits to them all, and while spock has come to witness many shirk what defined them when they arrived, in the months that have passed and demanded that they rebuild themselves- spock refuses to yield. starfleet and it's codes, it's training and ethics and binding routines are more than methods of conduct. it is more that a series of regulations. starfleet is his home. he cannot, and will not, elect to abandon that which keeps him whole.

a glance is offered to his captain, as much an apology as to ask permission when he moves to sulu's side. ]

Without attending medical, one can have no guarantee of Mister Sulu's safety or health. Once discharged, and I believe, requisitioned to bedrest, [ his gaze moves to the man, a nod in the pilot's direction. understanding. ] he may be better equipped to answer our queries.

[ it is not a rescue, not entirely, but both of his fellow officers have been pushed too hard, too far, and for too long. they require rest, even if in this moment- neither party is readily able to recognize it. ]

Lu— [his indignant stutter of the word is cut off as Spock breaks more formally into what, honestly, was one sided and not really a discussion. as Spock steps in, though, it becomes Kirk facing off against the only two people on his crew who could possibly comprehend why he's reacted so badly to this whole ordeal.

he's not sure when he clenched his fists, but he makes a conscious effort to unfold them, exhales long and slow through his nose.

Spock is right.

but there's something he can't let go and it's selfish, he knows, something that could wait if it was anyone or anything else but the idea of Sulu belonging to anyone else— the idea of the ship getting it's claws into him— Kirk has an obligation and responsibility and that's getting Sulu home. if this is something he needs to work around he needs to start planning now because he won't let this thing take them.

he won't.]

Was it Smiley?

[ it's not a rescue, it's a reprieve. it's a breather, and sulu desperately needs to breathe. he can't break. he can't let himself break because then all the parts of him that got warped and shattered will be visible and sulu can't let people see. it has to be internalized, it has to be kept separate. there's deniability, so long as that's how it's handled.

that's a direct question though, one that he can't sidestep. sulu doesn't lie to his commanding officers. or he hasn't, up until this moment. ]

No.

[ there's no hesitation, and it only works because sulu sounds exhausted and wrung out across the board.

it's not technically a lie. the place sulu went, wherever that was, that hadn't been--

thinking of it makes sulu's face go white, makes his hands shake. he can't. he won't. smilie had been what got him out, but that room was something else. there weren't words. he'd gone in and when he'd come out it felt like lifetimes had passed. he felt like an old man, but he couldn't admit that. ]

[ he doesn't miss it. in part because it is what spock does, what he is. an observer and a scientist when he can be nothing else. sulu does not flinch, and that tells him enough. concern and regret leave their captain in waves. something tangible that moves through the room and breaks itself over sulu's facade. spock finds that he cannot discern whether these imperfections in them all, these damages, were there upon arrival, exacerbated by the vessel itself- or if the tranquility has granted them these fractures.

his gaze moves to his captain's face, and spock offers a faint nod. a mute request for dismissal, and he says nothing further. ]

[he's not sure what to make of it. what he'd been asking was did Smiley do this to you, and Sulu tells him no which— in truth, he doesn't have the kind of data to discern if it's a lie or not. if it wasn't Smiley then it was something else in the ship (the ship itself? Ward or Resnik?) he doesn't look at Spock at first, because his eyes are busy raking Sulu's face, looking for any kind of hint to go off.

he's given nothing. Hikaru has always had one hell of a poker face.

a muscle in his jaw tightens and it hardens the expression on his face. it's the lack of control, it's the fact that he couldn't protect Sulu, it's the fact that the man hadn't trusted him to make this call. it's too many things.

but the way Sulu goes white is enough for Jim to cave, his voice is lower when he speaks, some of the aggression bleeding out as though he's run out of steam.]

I expect a full report once you're rested.

[his gaze breaks away, and he returns Spock's nod in a somewhat distracted fashion before stepping aside.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only