ataraxionlogs | (no subject)

The problem with breaking a link meant another one was certain to start soon after. He recognized the signs of one starting and he sat down to concentrate on the memories he was being sent. As always, the images were jumbled, but he knew by now what to watch for. There was always just a moment, a little flash, if he was patient, that gave him a good clue for who he was looking for. In this case he actually recognized the speaker's voice and accent; the man whose memories he was experiencing posted to the network after the jumps every month, after all.

"Guess this is getting to be old hat to you too," he said once they'd met up. "Let me guess, you saw a grenade blow up in your face." Seemed like everyone was getting that one.

[Merlin doesn't even understand some of the images playing out in his head, much less relate to them. People as meat. No, he doesn't even want to think about it.

But some things are familiar, and almost always painful, which makes him wonder about his life. He'd thought that maybe the death of his own father wouldn't have hurt him as much if he'd just had more time with him; but then he watched Arthur's father die too, and saw the pain that it caused him, and he knew that wasn't the case.

Now he's seen another. Merlin barely manages to blink back the tears as he searches the owner out. He has to let them know that their memories are safe, that he understands. He hasn't walked the Tranquility this much since the month he first arrived, when Arthur had him delivering messages all over the ship.]

[Bela was beginning to wonder when the memory sharing was going to stop so she could get back to her usual routine. Not that it was a very exciting routine but it was one of the things that helped to keep her going.

Like before, she received the memories one after another, brief flashes but enough to give Bela a general idea of the feelings associated with them. It wasn't like she could forget about them easily now that she had experienced them. After a little deduction Bela pieced together on who the memories belonged to.

It was just a matter of finding them first.]

[Jack has been sleeping. He doesn't normally sleep, but after the month he had last time, after they came back to their room after the jump, collapsing into bed Jack damn near slept a full day away. Shifting slightly, he finds Ianto in bed beside him, boneless and warm in a way that can only mean he's still down and out for the count. He smiles despite himself, before moving to wrap an arm around the other man's waist and press his face against Ianto's skin. It's been a long time since they could laze around and actually enjoy it. He's not going to let this moment go to waste.]

[Sleep is utterly, utterly blissful right now. There are things he should be doing, but he doesn't much care. Right now, all he wants is to sleep and sleep and sleep because he can, even when his body doesn't really need it anymore. It's a little like being a teenager again. Drifting in and out of dreams, he rises to what might be consciousness at some point to feel Jack wrapping an arm around him. He sighs, long and content, and musters up just enough energy to settle back into Jack's warm hold.]

[Jack smiles again at the other man's shifting. If he's moving around and sighing like that, he can't be too deeply asleep, and so Jack takes the opportunity to tilt his head forward and press a kiss to the back of the other man's neck.] 'morning.

[Last month was rough, not only on their day-to-day life but on their romantic life as well, with Ianto irritable at almost everything and Jack with not enough self-control to keep from pushing his buttons. It makes a moment like this all the more sweet, and Jack idly wonders if maybe sex will be that much better now, too, now that they can exhaust themselves and actually sleep after they've done so. Maybe they can test this theory...]

[Ianto makes a humming sound in the back of his throat. Kisses are nice. They usually lead to other things though, and Ianto is unsure if he feels like making that sort of effort. Then again, maybe Jack is willing to do most of the work...? To test the theory, Ianto presses his hips back lazily.]

[Who is Ianto kidding? Of course Jack is willing to do most of the work. If Ianto gave him the permission to, he'd even show the other man the benefits to being woken up with sex, one of these days. Provided he could catch Ianto sleeping deeply enough to accomplish this goal. He'd have to see...

The hips pressed back against his own are a sure sign in the right direction. Jack's already semi-aroused, and he presses his hips forward against Ianto, to let the other man know it. The arm around Ianto's waist starts to trail itself down his stomach towards his groin, in hopes of waking up other parts of Ianto's body, regardless of whether Ianto himself really wants to be that awake yet. Kisses are nice indeed, and so Jack makes sure to press another one against the back of Ianto's neck, for good measure.]

[Ianto smiles dreamily, encouraging Jack with a little sound in the back of his throat. Certain parts of him are certainly beginning to wake up and show interest, though he's staying very firmly half-asleep, thank you. He's still partly stuck in fleeting dreams, reality becoming fantasy impressions behind his eyelids as Jack goes to work.]

[The little noise of encouragement is all the permission Jack needs to keep going here, taking Ianto into his hand and stroking him into arousal. It takes longer than it would if Ianto were awake, the other man's brain not entirely invested in the process just yet. But with gentle coaxing, he's getting there. Jack laments that he's not doing this with his mouth. Oh well, another day. He rocks his hips against Ianto's, rutting against him as he does. He wonders how far he can push this, with Ianto in the state he is, as pliant as he's become right now.]

[Oh yes, that's very nice. Nice and lazy, which is exactly up Ianto's alley right now. His hips hitch into Jack's hand of their own accord, an involuntary movement that requires no conscious effort and is therefore completely lovely. If Jack keeps to this languid pace, Ianto will let him get away with just about anything.]

[If Jack could hit record on his own life then he would be doing so right now. As it is he's committing it all to memory. The hitch of Ianto's hips, the quiet noises that he's making, the warmth that just seems to be radiating off of him. His arousal a solid weight in Jack's hand, his body fitting just right against his. Jack tips his head forward to trace his tongue along the other man's earlobe, his thumb circling the tip of Ianto's arousal in his hand as he does.]

[Ianto groans, tilting his head to give Jack better access. He's beginning to wake a little more, but it's a slow, gradual process that Ianto minds much less when he's waking up to this in particular. His hips are working in a slow rhythm, encouraging the contact.]

Jack...

[It comes out in a breathy whisper.]

[Ianto may not be moving his hips a lot but with each pitch back he's rubbing against Jack, and it's enough to be teasing for Jack. Enough to make him rock his hips with the other man in return, matching his slow, steady rhythm with his hips and with his hand. The attention with his tongue seems to be getting him a pretty interesting reaction too. Jack decides to focus more on that and sucks Ianto's earlobe into his mouth, nipping at it slightly with his teeth before returning the attention with his tongue.]

[Ohh, that's nice. That's very nice. Unfortunately, the demands of his body are bringing him further to consciousness and he shifts, turning his head blindly toward Jack. He opens his eyes just a slit, stubbornly wanting to keep sleeping even as he silently demands more.]

[Jack presses a kiss to the side of the other man's jaw, rocking his hips against Ianto needily as he does. He's pleased to get more of a reaction out of the other man. Not that he doesn't like the sleepy, pliant state that Ianto had been in up until this point, but he enjoys the participation as well. He wonders if maybe he'll be able to get away with more than just rutting away behind the other man, if maybe Ianto will wake enough for them to take it up a notch or two. He fancies he'll soon find out.]

[Jack can feel it. Again. That compulsion to go off and find someone he doesn't know, to be with them. It wouldn't be so bad if it were just that. Holding hands he can handle. It's the fact that they're poking around in his head that gives Jack pause, makes this whole thing more than a little unsettling for him. Why couldn't it have been Ianto, for at least one of these connections, he thinks to himself grumpily, as he gets up to face a new day and a new set of memories that don't belong to him. At least he trusts Ianto to deal with his memories appropriately. These rest of the ship, though... It's any man's guess who or what they end up with. He doesn't like it.]

I have to go out for a while. [Code for the fact that he's got another empathy connection rattling around in his brain - far be it from Jack Harkness to say anything directly, but he's sure that Ianto will understand what he means almost immediately.]

[Ianto is developing another headache. He's letting it itch behind his eyes with the memories that are not his, uncomfortable with the idea of searching out the person they belong to and looking them in the face. Somehow, it's worse that the same thing is happening to Jack. All the old insecurities Ianto ever had about their relationship are coming out in ugly new force now that Jack-and-Ianto seem to be becoming Jack-and-his-intimate-psychic-connection and Ianto-the-third-party.]

Go out for a while.

[He parrots the words back in deadpan. He knows exactly what Jack means, but that doesn't mean he's happy about it.]

[Jack can't help it. He sighs in response to the other man's parroting of his words, moving to lean against the bureau for a moment, before turning to look at the other man.] Yes, go out for a while. Go find whoever the hell it is this time that has been poking around where they shouldn't belong. Do you have a problem with that?

[Because it kind of seems like he does. Never mind that Ianto's not the only one who's bothered by the whole situation. He can feel the headache of withdrawal starting to form between his eyes himself, and he's already done the ignoring it thing once, he doesn't feel like pushing it again.]

[Ianto struggles with an answer. Yes, he has a problem with it, a big problem, but it's completely irrational. Putting it into words is embarrassing because he knows he's not working with anything logical, but that doesn't keep him from feeling this way.]

You know I do. Don't you?

[The last comes out more pleading than he meant it to.]

[Jack clenches his jaw in response to that question, his lips going in a tight line as he holds his tongue, keeping himself from lashing out right away and instead taking the time to think before he speaks. For once. He can hear that pleading tone in Ianto's voice and it does color his response back to the other man.]

Ianto, come on. Do you honestly think that there's anything about letting strangers wade around in my memories that I'm okay with? [He's somewhat aware that that's not all of Ianto's problem right now, but he's addressing part of it, isn't he?]

[Jack's obviously checking his temper, and Ianto feels guilty for saying anything, but he's finding it impossible to check himself. This feels just as unfair to him as it is to Jack, and if he doesn't say anything, he'll doubt, and that doubt will fester.]

No. Of course not.

[It's on the tip of his tongue to comment bitterly on Jack's reluctance to share his memories with anyone, even him, but he bites it back. That isn't the kind of fight he wants to have right now.]

I hate this, Jack. I hate that someone else gets to know things about you that— that I might not know. That you might not have told me.

[Humiliation burns down his neck.] I know that's selfish of me, but I can't help it.

[Jack can't honestly say that he'd be happy to share his memories with anyone, no. But...]

Ianto. If I had to choose anyone to get my memories, you know that the only person that I'd be even remotely okay being stuck with would be you. [Jack crosses his arms across his chest in a protective gesture. It takes a lot for him to admit to things like this. But he knows that it's something Ianto needs, and he can give this much of himself, at least.

He's quiet for a long moment, his arms folded in front of him, looking down at the ground, before he speaks up to say:] Ianto, I don't know what they're seeing. It's not like I'm willingly sharing any of it with them. [And. They're at a point in their relationship now where if Ianto asked, Jack might even tell him things. Or at least give him the answer that he couldn't answer his question. But Ianto's going to have to ask. Jack's been hurt in the past after sharing with people, even when those people had been people he loved and trusted the most.]

I know you're not.

[He knows. Logically, he understands all of this completely, but that doesn't make it any better. It helps some that Jack would chose him if he had to chose anyone, smoothes some of the worst edges of jealousy, but as much as he'd like it to magically disappear, it won't. His headache isn't helping, and he rubs at his temples to keep it at bay.]

I don't mean to be like this really, I just— I can't be alright with this. Please don't ask me to be.

[Jack frowns. He doesn't like this. Doesn't like fighting with Ianto, especially not over something that for once, isn't exactly his fault. That the blame can't be placed solidly on his shoulders. He doesn't like that Ianto is upset with a decision he didn't make for himself, a choice that wasn't exactly given to him at all. Would that he could make it better for the other man. Although maybe...

Jack takes in a deep breath, steeling himself, letting it out slowly, before he speaks.] How can I make this up to you, Ianto? Just tell me how I can make it up to you and I will. [Ianto should be able to tell by the look on his face that he means every word he says, here, and means them for him.]

[Ianto can tell, and it makes him feel all the guiltier. This isn't Jack's fault, and he shouldn't feel the need to make this up to him. Rising, he kisses Jack gently and squeezes one hand in his.]

Just... put up with me, yeah? It's not really you I'm upset with. Just put up with me until this is over, and then we can... This damn ship willing, maybe we can use some of the loot we picked up from the space station and have a proper date. We haven't done that in a while.

[Jack leans into the kiss, lingering in the touch, and curling his fingers around the other man's. Pulling back after a moment, he presses his forehead against the other man's, before pulling back further to smile softly at him.]

I think I can do that much. [He laughs softly at the idea of the date.]

You're right though. You're always right. A proper date sounds like just the perfect resolution to all of this. Get a little romantic, maybe have a little food, drink. Then I could take you back to my place and we could... [He cocks a crooked grin at the other man, quirking an eyebrow at him suggestively.]

Your place, is it? [His smile is small, but genuine. He won't be alright until this is over, until this burning jealousy fizzles out and maybe, just maybe, Jack tells him something about the memories that were shared. But the date gives him light at the end of the tunnel, and he's surprised at just how much his offhanded suggestion really appeals.]

Alright. Go on, then. Best not to leave it. [He forces out the words, still unhappy and unlikely to be otherwise for some time, but he squeezes Jack's hand in support.]

Or yours. [Jack counters, raising his eyebrows with a smile, amused that they both know that they mean the same thing but running with it anyway.] I'm not picky. But we don't have to choose now. We'll get there when we get there.

[He squeezes Ianto's hand in response when Ianto squeezes his, his smile softening. He knows that it's still bothering him. He knows that it always will. Maybe that's what needs to happen. Maybe he'll need to share some of his deepest secrets, maybe that will help Ianto feel better about it all. Maybe he can come up with something that he hasn't shared with anyone, make it the cherry on the cake. He doesn't like digging that deep, remembering these things, but he'll do it. For Ianto's sake.] I'll be back. [He's said it before. He feels like he's always saying it, sometimes. But he will. It's a promise, even if he can't quite say that.]

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York

For Stage III

Ned

Merlin

shows up late to the party!

Bela

action (wherever)

Cecil

Jack

dated to the beginning of the month

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dated to during s3 connections

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