[ open ] i have this strange feeling that i'm not myself anymore

[lostsoldier]

CHARACTERS: Bucky Barnes & YOU
LOCATION: Gym, pools, medbay, misc level 5 places
WARNINGS: Body horror & recovery from last month's plot mentioned in most starters.
SUMMARY: The Winter Soldier rejects shirts, works out, maybe spars, makes some questionable decisions, brain-spelunks, lurks, etc.
NOTES: Please feel free to jump in with your own starter & let me know if you'd like to avoid body horror altogether, I'm happy to accommodate. Brackets or prose also fine.

[ this cut text is a lie. ]

Comments

[mindtricks]

Something like that. [ her expression isn't quite a smile, but there's warmth in her tone before she sobers up: shoulders straightening, chin up. ]

Erik is leading some people into the corridors. He asked me to lead a team as well.

[lostsoldier]

[ Erik prompts a little hesitation from him — they have a few things in common, but not things that inspire a spectacular amount of trust. But it's the destination that freezes his stare. ]

You know there's nothing out there, right.

[mindtricks]

No. [ is immediate, if quiet. ] I don't know that for sure.

[lostsoldier]

I know that for sure.

[ And he does, with the same flat, absolute certainty he knows I serve the Party, the homeland, and the Soviet people. Not a smidgen of doubt.

He rakes a palm down his face, sharp and agitated, bag of mystery meat set aside. ]

Did they tell you what happened to us? To everybody who went in last time?

[mindtricks]

In as far as any of it is public knowledge, yes.

[ sometimes, they're made to believe things. she doesn't say that out loud. instead, her voice is quiet, calm, a counterpoint to the agitation in his movements now. ]

[lostsoldier]

[ She's calm, and he is– not calm, but calmer for her steadiness. The tumult of his thoughts is subtle, straining the way his mind does against those other certainties, except he has no traction here, no cracks in the ice to give him purchase. Instead, it manifests as a low-level anxiety, a tightness to his shoulders and his teeth he can't identify. ]

And the parts that aren't public? That some of us just don't sleep anymore? Haven't gotten more than 5 hours since the nanite sickness hit, and it's— it's worse than that. You know it's worse.

[ She's seen in his head. That he didn't sleep for two weeks during the last jump cycle. The way his hands weren't his own. The way he still looks in the mirror some days and sees a stranger. He doesn't know — is that just him? Is that just the way his mind is falling apart? But if it is from the hallways, it's worth using to keep her from going. To keep her safe. ]

[mindtricks]

[ it's easier for her to be steady when she knows people are relying on it — even if, like with him, it's unconscious more than anything. her behaviour makes a difference, and that knowledge steadies her, makes her feel like she's on solid ground.

it's simple, really: ] If I can make a difference, or keep someone safe by going, it's worth it.

[ she doesn't think he's the only one, at least not entirely. others are experience ill-effects from having gone out. she remembers roy asking what it would take for her to want to kill herself, and the answer had been if there was no way for her to make a difference anymore in any way.

it'll be worth it; she has to try. ]

[lostsoldier]

[ He pulls back, sets to pacing, fingers raking down his five o'clock shadow, because he knows that. He understands that much about her, respects it even, but— ]

And if it's all for nothing?

[ Don't die for nothing. ]

[mindtricks]

[ if it's all for nothing, so be it. it's worth the try; it's worth going if she can protect someone else or keep erik in line and stop him from thinking too much about sacrificing others for an uncertain gain.

but she doesn't say any of that in response to his words. instead, the only answer he gets is to his thoughts: ]

I'm not planning on dying. Or letting anyone else die.

[lostsoldier]

[ His eyes shift askance, body language pulling inward — not at the reminder she's in his head (there is that, but he's getting used to it) but at the realization he's more invested in this (in her) than he should be. ]

Good. [ Firm, with a nod. Good. Fine. This isn't– he's not going to win this argument, he knows that much about her too, and that shouldn't bother him as much as he does. Still, ] If you wanna help people, you're going to have to survive long enough to do it.

[mindtricks]

[ there's no surprise, for her, in the realization of investment. she's known that she cares about him, for him; she hasn't let herself dwell on extent or meaning of it and doesn't, now.

she's known that he cares, too — he got angry on her behalf after arima. he'd given her steadiness, then. it's her turn these days.

with a dry twist to her lips, tone and expression making it clear that what she's saying is an echo of someone once said to her: ] Judges don't have a long life expectancy.

[ she might yet die young. a moment later, though, she sobers up, sitting a little straighter again. one of her hands reaches out to touch his lower arm. ] I'm not planning on dying. [ is repeated, reassurance and acknowledgement of his point. ]

[lostsoldier]

[ Neither do spies, he thinks, even if he is apparently old enough to be somebody's grandpa. But it's good. The reminder grounds him. Life is short, especially for them.

The touch doesn't hurt either. His gaze drops to it, and he nods. ]

See that you don't. [ is said with a glance up to catch her eye, withdrawn but not without a certain warmer note, drill sergeant-esq brusqueness masking affection. (He shouldn't— but he's not always very good at doing what he's told.) ]

[mindtricks]

[ the brusqueness is familiar, and it's grounding in its own way because of that. the hall of justice is not military, but it might as well be for all that judges are trained like soldiers and for all that instructors sound like he did just now, only without the affection.

(maybe he shouldn't, maybe she should not be encouraging it — but her hand stays on his arm a moment longer before she gives it a quick squeeze and pulls her hand back.) ]

Let's spar once I'm back? I think there's still a few blocks you have to teach me. [ is a deliberate reminder that she is planning to return, and that their relationship is not a one-sided one whereby she gets into his head and he is a passive recipient. ]