Isn't it bliss, don't you approve?

[godofthemachine]

CHARACTERS: AM and Soysauce
LOCATION: AM's room - 004 > 009
WARNINGS: Possible mild violence??? Will update if needed.
SUMMARY: What happens when you take a sadistic psychopath and deprive him of the ability to sleep? Sunshine and rainbows, obviously. Or whatever the opposite of that is.


This ship was messing with him. Had the tables finally been turned and AM had been brought into his own ironic hell, to suffer by the hand of a supercomputer-controlled spaceship? Surely the thing must be sentient, must be watching him, punishing him for having any sort of desire to be in this body he inhabited. It seemed like every time AM got comfortable with this human form, began enjoying all of the delights and sensations it offered, such a thing was exploited and turned on him. It was always this damned ship, it seemed.

Last month AM had been having marvelous dreams every night - something to cling to when he had been lost in the ship, when he had been stuck on the Cyllene. For in his dreams, it seemed like everything had gone right. Many of the things he desired and more were lived out there, and he actually wished he could simply just escape to that land of dreams. Simply live there forever, all of his desires played out before him.

It was a cruel thing, then, that after awakening from the last jump, those dreams never came again. In fact, not a single dream came. Sleep didn't come at all. That first night AM had gone to his room, prepared to sleep as he had grown accustomed to, but instead he lay awake all night, frustratedly waiting for sleep to overtake him. And the next night was the same. And the next...

It wasn't as if AM wasn't accustomed to not sleeping. After all, he was for the most part awake on Earth after that one fateful day, never again retreating back into the oblivion of nonexistence. Sleep had taken some getting used to, but he knew he needed it, how vital it was for the human form. And now that he couldn't have it, he certainly suffered for it. AM certainly tried to stay alert with caffeine, finding himself overly jittery when he consumed great amounts of it. But his reaction times were slower, and he was much quicker to anger. His times in the science lab were mostly marked with horrible frustration, careless math errors that he should have caught, would have caught if he had been in better spirits. There was a time when he simply broke several vials and pieces of equipment out of absolute anger, his grasp on his sanity simply breaking under these conditions.

Today had been one of those days. He tried to work, but got nothing useful accomplished. In fact, he cut his hand on a broken flask, had to bandage it up before it bled everywhere. That was a good time to return to his room, he had figured, but it wasn't like he could take a nap. No, he was still awake, still frustrated, but utterly exhausted. He was trying to stay active, vent out his increasing anger by kicking the wall, ripping apart the disposable items he owned... His room was a mess as a result, like the room of a tortured artist or simply a madman. Appearance somewhat disheveled - messy hair in a loose braid, the top part of his jumpsuit half open, no shoes... And it seemed he didn't realize that in the midst of his venting, he re-opened the wound on his hand, coloring the bandage red.

Comments

[shoyu]

He couldn't remember the last time he'd had such trouble sleeping. It must have been years, at the very least! Soysauce had always been the type to work hard and rest well -- waking up early, keeping himself busy throughout the day, performing at bars late into the night and falling asleep the moment he fell into bed at the end of the day. The longest he could remember it took him to fall asleep was maybe ... ten minutes? So in a way, the insomnia that everybody on the Tranquility seemed to be suffering from was almost somewhat novel. A unique experience! Something new to learn and grow from!

-- Or at least, this was what Soysauce tried to convince himself was true. His natural optimism certainly did a lot to bolster his willpower, but unfortunately even his fiercely cheery attitude couldn't neutralize just how tired he was, physically.

There was hideous dark circles under his eyes, and Soysauce seemed a little pale, a little more gaunt than usual, rather lacking the usual bounce in his step, his movements significantly more sluggish than was normal. Try as he might, Soysauce couldn't get proper rest at night, and even an increased intake of coffee didn't do much to ward off the lingering exhaustion. From time to time, he found his thoughts drifting off to nowhere in particular, his footsteps meandering without direction even as he tried to remain diligent about his security patrols -- simply unable to focus his thoughts, too tired to concentrated.

So he tried to keep himself occupied. Spent all that time would have been wasted tossing and turning in bed in the kitchen instead, cooking up a frenzy. He was too tired to have too much of an appetite for himself, and he wasn't much of a bit eater in the first place -- which meant the extra food mostly went to other people. He left fancy dishes packed up in the fridges for other people to plunder if they didn't want to cook, delivered portions to some people, tried to keep himself occupied and energetic in this way. What better way to try and stay coherent than by helping (or at least trying to help) other people?

That evening found Soysauce standing by AM's room, rapping smartly at the door with his knuckles once, twice. There was a still-warm container of pasta in his other hand, a bottle of water tucked into the crook of his arm. His fingers were plastered with bandages, little nicks and cuts from where he'd spaced out exhausted in the kitchen, but Soysauce tried not to think of it too much -- trying his best to sound chipper as he called out, "Mister AM!" Pause. "I, ah -- was spending some time in the kitchen. If you haven't eaten yet, would you perhaps like to share a bite?"

[godofthemachine]

A visitor? Who the hell was visiting him? Why was someone at his door? Didn't they know that AM was practically going mad from the lack of sleep? It took him a minute to register that voice as Soysauce's - out of tiredness, the two hadn't seen each other as much this month, and the voice didn't have the same cheerful bounce it usually did. It was tired, slightly strained...

Soysauce obviously knew he was in there. AM had made noise, after all, ripping apart some of his notes, ripping the fabric of some of the clothes he had stolen from the Cyllene, scratching the skin of one of his arms until it bled, because he was slowly losing his mind. He still debated opening the door, though, because the logical part of his brain said that this was a bad idea. He wanted to keep Soysauce as an ally, but with his grip on his sanity rapidly slipping, who knew what would happen?

Still, he opened the door for his 'friend,' barely even noticing how tired he looked. AM couldn't focus on such a trivial thing, but he did at least notice slightly. After all, everyone on this damned ship hadn't been able to sleep, have they? When he saw the food that Soysauce was carrying, it took him another moment to process it - but he knew it was probably the other man's way of trying to cope with the insomnia.

Soysauce would find AM in a terrible state - bags under his bloodshot eyes, a bleeding bandaged hand, scratched up arm, messy hair in a loose braid, and he was just... a bit more paranoid. Jumpy, perhaps. The room was a mess with papers and fabrics and ripped items everywhere. Nothing like how he usually presented himself to Soysauce, and it hardly even occurred to AM that perhaps he shouldn't be doing this. No, it did occur to him, but he just couldn't think of an adequate excuse to get the man away. "Ah... Thanks..." He muttered as he let Soysauce into his room, shutting the door behind him. He wasn't sure what to say - his mind was a white blur at the moment.

[shoyu]

Though Soysauce tried to smile brightly when the door clicked open, it was a noticably lackluster attempt. His eyes were somewhat bloodshot, his facial scrub not quite as neatly trimmed as it usually was, and there was a crook in the knot of his tie. All in all, the effect was slightly disheveled and slumped.

"Eh, please excuse me, then." An attempt at a good-natured chirrup as he trotted into the room after AM and almost promptly tripped overe an old item of clothing abandoned on the floor. He'd been to AM's room a few times in the past, and even in his exhausted state, it wasn't difficult for Soysauce to realize how poor AM's condition must have been for the room to be in its current, chaotic state.

The container of food was set down on a nearby table before Soysauce bent down to retrieve a few fallen items off the floor. "I take it the ship hasn't been treating you kindly either, sir?" A quiet murmur as he gingerly picked up a jumble of papers torn in half. "It seems everyone's been having a fairly rough time ..." The sudden rush of blood to the head when he stood made his vision wobble violently, and Soysauce staggered back a step with a grunt -- this was very much a far cry from his usual physical condition, and it was difficult to get used to.

"You should take care of yourself, though. If sleep won't come easily, the least you could do is look after yourself, sir." A small sigh as Soysauce deposited the items picked up off the floor on the table, then dug through his pocket -- pulling out a small handful of bandages. (He'd asked for a generous helping of them from the medbay to take care of the nicks on his hands, his little accidents while cooking.) None of them were quite big enough for the scratches visible on AM's arm, but they'd probably be better than nothing. "May -- I see the injuries on your arm? They don't look too bad, but they must still be uncomfortable to leave bare like that."

[godofthemachine]

AM's appetite at these times had wavered between "ravenous" and "not at all" - depending on how tired he was, depending on how his mood had sank. Of course, it's easy for a human to consume excess amounts of food when tired, for the body can interpret it as hunger... But now was one of those moments where AM felt no hunger, just wanted to be left alone. Just wanted to sleep.

Neither of those were an option right now, it seemed. Soysauce had hastily made his way into the room like some French maid, immediately picking up the torn papers and old clothes. Did he have the energy? It didn't matter - AM hadn't told him he could touch them! They were his belongings, the result of an insomnia-induced rage. His notes... chicken-scratch of useless mathematical equations that made no sense because he couldn't even process them.

When AM was about to tell Soysauce to stop touching his belongings, he had turned around to ask about the cuts on his arm. Truthfully, AM had forgotten about them until he glanced down and saw several angry red scratches here and there, on the top of the arm as well as underneath, slicing atop the tattoo of his number. Ah... he remembered now. Vaguely. Tearing his nails into anything he could, a product of frustration. "They're just simple scratches," he nearly hissed as he narrowed his eyes slightly.

Still, if there was anyone who would treat AM with some semblance of care, it would be this man here, so he lifted up his arm and held it out. The blood had dried and clotted by now, but it had stained around the dark hairs that lined the limb, leading down to the white bandage wrapped around the hand. That was a little more than a scratch... Without even thinking, AM responded to Soysauce's earlier inquiry about the ship not treating him well, quietly muttering, "The damned ship is punishing me for being human..."

[shoyu]

He probably shouldn't have busied himself about with such trivial things without asking for permissions, probably shouldn't have touched AM's belongings without saying anything. But in his current, exhausted, sleep-deprived state, Soysauce simply focused on anything that would keep his mind occupied, constantly searching for distractions away from how much he wanted to lie down on the floor and sleep.

So soysauce was admittedly a little glad when AM held his hand out, seeming to accept the offer of help. Gently grasping AM's arm in one hand, Soysauce tucked the bandages into the breast pocket of his waistcoat, pulling out a handkerchief to wipe away any linger traces of fresh blood. His movements were somewhat clumsy, his fingers slipping a little bit whenever he peeled apart the paper wrapper from around a bandaid, but he still managed to apply them properly to the myriad of little scratches and cuts across AM's arm.

"... punishing you -- for being human?" A curiously look up at AM as he peeled open another bandaid, eyes wide. With how tired he was, it took Soysauce a rather generous pause to try to understand what AM might have been implying, and he hummed thoughtfully while mulling over those words. "I'm not quite certain of that, sir. There are quite a few non-human persons aboard the ship, no? I don't believe they've really been spared from the, ah, current state of affairs."

A small sigh as he applied the last bandage to AM's arm, then stuffed the handful of crumpled wrappers into his pocket -- dusting off his hands as he thought over AM"s comment for a while longer. It was such an odd thing to say. Wasn't it? Crossing his arms as he furrowed his brows, Soysauce tried to put his thoughts into coherent words, glancing off to the side as he spoke slowly. "But even if it were just humans who were subjected to this exhaustion, isn't that a rather odd thing to be punished for? I don't believe anyone can choose what they're born as."

[godofthemachine]

These thoughts weaved in and out of his sleep-deprived brain, and AM didn't realize he had actually muttered aloud something about the ship "punishing" him. Not literally, unless the ship was sentient - which was an all-too-likely possibility - but in the the sense that AM himself was punished long ago for being built in the first place. Punished for someone else's wrongdoing.

And that memory combined with Soysauce's words - 'no one can choose what they're born as' - set AM clearly on edge. The hair on his arm stood up plainly as Soysauce's smooth hands worked it over, and his fingers closed into an incredibly tight fist even with the new bandage. Nails dug into his palm harshly enough to draw blood, and the cut beneath the bandage opened once more, bleeding out enough to color a small spot red. Muscles tightened considerably, but... Soysauce wasn't gripping his arm anymore, was he? So he could put it down.

But he was restless. A strong desire to simply hurt Soysauce for that comment was running through him now. Of course no one could choose what they were born as - AM didn't choose his fate, didn't choose to become trapped in this pathetic human form either (the form that he both loved and hated, but at this moment in time utterly despised). But humans... they didn't choose to be born as such, and yet they still were repulsive. Their crime was being human and they had to suffer for it. Logically, it made perfect sense within AM's mind, even moreso now that he was so sleep-deprived.

In a frantic effort to move, he simply turned and paced, striding to the table, whereupon he placed both hands on it as he leaned. His dark expression wasn't visible since he was turned away from Soysauce, but that's only so that he could stop himself from simply beating this man to a pulp, from tying him up and torturing him until he begged for death, until he regretted every moment of being alive as a human. "Tell me... What exactly is it that you like about being a human?" There was a slight movement of his back with each breath he took, attempting to stay energized. But he spoke so low, almost a hiss. "What do you enjoy about inhabiting such a weak form?"

[shoyu]

Were he more awake, his mind more alert, Soysauce might have recognized the obvious hints concerning the anger that AM was bottling up. He might have spotted the way AM's movements seemed agitated, noticed the clear frustration in the way his body had tensed up -- might have recognized the same aggression in those little signs that he'd so often guarded himself against back home. Signs that a wild animal was almost ready to go on the offensive, ready to hurt whatever was nearby.

A pity that in his rather disheveled state of mind, Soysauce merely dismissed all those signs as AM's own exhaustion showing through. That was reasonable, wasn't it? The great majority of the people stuck here were plagued by insomnia, and it was to be expected that the constant difficulty sleeping would cause a lot of aggression and anxiety.

"Eh -- what do I enjoy about ... being human." He parroted the words absentmindedly, glancing distractedly around AM's room in search of something to focus on. His thoughts were running awfully slow, and there was a significant pause before he answered in slow words, glancing up towards the ceiling as he pieced together his thoughts. "That's a rather difficult thing to answer, since I don't really have a, ah -- what's the term. Point of reference? It's not as if I've ever existed as anything other than a human."

A rather lame laugh as Soysauce started fidgeting with the bandage wrappers in his pocket for lack of anything better to keep himself focused with. "But if I had to answer, I suppose I enjoy being able to speak to other people? I imagine animals all have their own methods of communication, but -- it seems rather special with people, doesn't it? A little more heartfelt, more complex. And coming to understand another person's aspirations, what they might want to do or what they enjoy -- is something I appreciate greatly." His words petered off for a moment as Soysauce yawned, unable to hold back the exhaustion that filled his brain like cotton, before Soysauce gave a soft, somewhat sheepish laugh. "Ah, that's a little embarrassing to say out loud, I must admit. But that's my take on it." A brief pause before Soysauce looked to AM. "Is it -- difficult for you to find things enjoyable about being human?"

[godofthemachine]

It was a bit of a stupid question, but it made perfect sense at the time in AM's sleep-deprived state. Why would anyone enjoy being human when there was nothing good about their race? It was an ironic hell for AM now that he was trapped in the form of a human, since he hated them so vehemently. Of course, over time he had come to like the form more and more, but now that was all but forgotten. The increased stress from the insomnia simply made him worse and worse, like every minute of existing was just pure misery. Sleep: something that the scientists back in the days of AM's construction hardly knew anything about, just that it was needed. And it certainly was needed now.

AM wasn't surprised when Soysauce gave some sappy drivel as an answer - that's most of what came out of his mouth anyway. Why did AM spend so much time with that poor fool then when he was so incredibly annoying? It was hard to remember why at this moment. Hard to remember why his hands simply weren't around Soy's neck, strangling the life out of him.

As he leaned on his table, there were papers that crinkled as his hands balled into fists, one page of notes being completely crumbled with the force. He still didn't dare turn around to face his visitor, out of the knowledge that he was so close to simply snapping.

"Terrible..." He muttered that response, nails scratching deep into his papers as he clenched and unclenched his hands. "This body is terrible... I hate humans. Hate. Hate." As he spoke, the last uttering of the word "hate" was growled with a marked ferocity, quite a bit louder than his initial muttering. If one were to see AM's face as his back was turned, it would show almost a psychotic craze - sweat dripping from his temples, eyes wide, teeth clenched with heavy breathing. God, he wanted out of this nightmare. Somehow. Wanted to take his anger out on something, someone.

[shoyu]

His body realized quicker than his mind that something in this situation wasn't right. His thoughts might have been slowed drastically by the insomnia, the lack of sleep severely impairing his ability to pick up on the hints that something felt very wrong -- and Soysauce couldn't quite understand why he could feel the short hairs at the back of his neck bristling, his nerves prickling with a cold sort of tension.

"... you -- eh?" Soysauce was certain he must have misheard AM, at first. Because AM had said -- he hated humans? That was ... odd. After all, AM had been recreated as a human here, had managed to integrate himself into the ship's society this long. It wouldn't make sense for someone who hated humans to tolerate such a situation for so long, would it?

"You -- hate humans." Soysauce dumbly parroted those words, still trying to come to some sort of understanding about what exactly AM was trying to get across. Perhaps the exhaustion was getting to him? It wasn't a trivial amount of blood staining those bandages, either.

There was a heavy pause before Soysauce stepped forward, his movements somewhat timid and uneasy. "Um, Mister AM? Perhaps you should visit the medbay? You don't seem very well ..." His words trailed off nervously before Soysauce gently touch his hand to AM's shoulder, trying to distract him from the subject on hand. "You do seem to have lost a fair amount of blood, and you must be exhausted. At least seeing about that injury seems like a good idea?" He was obviously avoiding answering AM's muttered statements about hating humans, shying away from confrontation as he usually did.

[godofthemachine]

Maybe it was time that Soysauce knew how much AM truly hated humans, truly hated him. Part of him was tired of this charade, tired of all of this, simply tired of everything that happened on this ship, so why should he hide his true self? It was a fight with his mind, though, because he had hardly realized what he had actually said aloud. Hardly realized where he was, who he was, what was even going on. Was this all a horrible dream while he was still on Earth?

He should have said something. Should have made an excuse about how tired he was, about how he wasn't thinking straight. But as soon as he felt Soysauce approach and touch him, all of that resolve disappeared.

AM tightened up immediately upon the contact, all of the hair on his neck standing on end. It was instinctive, mostly, when he simply flung an arm out to shove Soysauce away, hissing, "Don't touch me!" Barely even thinking about it - he just wanted to be left alone, didn't want the physical contact, didn't want this wretched human around him unless he was being tortured.