ataraxionlogs | PLAYER PLOT: fear is the mind-killer

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PLAYER PLOT: fear is the mind-killer

CHARACTERS: You and all your least favorite things.
LOCATION: Shipwide.
WARNINGS: Violence, gore, monsters, psych trauma. (Please warn for any potential triggers—e.g. medical horror, eye stuff, recollection of past sexual trauma—in your subject lines.)
SUMMARY: Boggarts. See the plot post for a full timeline if you want to forward-date; otherwise, watch this space for updates.
NOTES: Whatever happens, however this ends, remember that it's Draco Malfoy's fault.

JAN 22

If you've been paying attention, you should already be on edge. Ward and Resnik have returned without many answers. There's the dead pirate again. The Tranquility is being pursued. People are talking about violent confrontation like it's inevitable, any cycle now. Any day. And now Morgoth is back, somewhere in the corridors.

If you keep an eye out, you won't find him. But you might find something else.

JAN 23

Never mind about Morgoth.

JAN 24

Despite very well-intended claims to the contrary (see above), the mounting evidence suggests that boggarts can be killed. Also, there's probably more than one. Sorry about that.

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[a: please help!]

[It's not fear Dorian feels at first. It's confusion, then anger, and only then the creeping, paralyzing fear that has him wanting to run, but too frozen to do so.

He's seen a few things - mentions that something was going on, that things weren't normal, that perhaps terror was stalking the ship. But though he noted them, he hasn't allowed them to interfere - Dorian still wishes to learn what he can about this place. And so he went walking, as he's done more than once since arriving here, trying to learn the layout of the ship and where everything is. He's not without defenses. He is wary, careful, but not frightened into staying in his room.

He didn't expect this, though.

An abomination before him, an unsettingly familiar figure that never fails to send a shiver down his spine, a reminder of what mages can become if they lose themselves. And perhaps if that was been all, it would be fine - Dorian will not falter in battle against an abomination.

No, it's what the abomination was before that terrifies him.

Dorian has control, Dorian is strong, Dorian is an incredibly talented and skilled (and handsome) mage. Dorian would never fall to that sort of thing, never even consider blood magic, never lose himself and become one of those - things.

But it was his face, his body, his slightly unhinged smile that he saw. It was him who lost control, who twisted and mutated into that hideous creature that stood before him, and it is that which freezes him in place, terror coursing through his veins.

He's strong. He'll snap out of it, he'll fight, but right now - all he can do is stare in horror.]

[b: helping]

[Dorian isn't one to sit idly by while frightening, apparently demonic things are roaming around terrifying and threatening people. Not when he's already seen what they can do, when he's been terrified into helplessness himself. This isn't Thedas - he doesn't know what might work against them - but he's more than willing to try. The first step is to learn more, so that he knows what he's facing, and only then will he be able to - what? Craft a spell to send them back where they came from? Find whatever's brought them here? He's not sure yet. With so little information, he has no real idea what he's doing.

But he's still doing it. Demons - spirits? ghosts? - on the loose is, after all, something he has some small bit of experience with. Dorian holds his staff at the ready, searching for signs of these creatures, looking for people who are facing them. He'll help, and he'll learn what he can. His own fear is tightly tamped down, locked away in the back of his mind as something he really can't waste time on right now. He knows it could come roaring back at the wrong time, the wrong place, but that isn't something he can focus on at the moment.

He walks down the halls with confidence - sham confidence, perhaps, but what is Dorian good at if not projecting an air of confidence that he may not entirely have? It may be comforting, at least, to someone that he meets who is far deeper in the embrace of fear than him.

He turns down another corridor, spots a flicker of movement, a sound of fear, and speeds up his steps. He can help, and he can learn, and perhaps that will ultimately help all of them.]

[He knows their enemies well enough now to know that the demons tend to shift and alter themselves to accommodate new fears when being faced with more than one adversary. He's seen it happen by now, monsters twisted into half-recognizable horrors, and half-something else entirely. It makes them even more formidable if possible, and so Cullen has had to be careful when helping the others, lest their fears develop aspects of his own.

When he sees Dorian's back from down the hallway, Cullen keeps this in mind, but helping an ally is ultimately more important. They're able to do far more when they're fighting together, and so he calls out, moving up to join him.]

Dorian!

[The mage seems frozen into place, and when Cullen finally gets a look at the monster over his shoulder, he realizes why. It's- grotesque, revolting, and he finds himself hesitating when he realizes that it shares Dorian's features. His eyes stare out from beneath his brows, tattered robes familiar despite the blood and disarray. Cullen forces himself to move next to the other man, drawing his sword- and the attention of the abomination.

It looks to him, sees him, and nothing about it changes.]

I trust you know how to fight these.

[It's pointed, direct, meant to pull Dorian out of himself and into whatever battle they're about to have.]

I - yes. Naturally.

[His voice isn't quite as confident and sure as it would normally be. There's still an echo of fear, a tinge of uncertainty, but Cullen's words at least pushed away enough of that fear that he isn't frozen anymore.

It's not real. It can't be, obviously. He's here, he's fine - he would never become such a thing. If Dorian keeps telling himself that, he'll be fine. He'll be able to fight.

It's not real.

He raises his staff, ready to fight. It's only one creature, and there are two of them. He's never fought alongside Cullen before, not like this, but that doesn't matter. They're both skilled. They can handle this.

Dorian would normally have things to say while he fought - to Cullen, to the enemy, whatever. He can be a bit chatty, and it doesn't distract from his skill. This time, he doesn't quite have the presence of mind for that. He just wants it gone, away from him, before he falls back into that paralyzing fear.

A gesture, and the creature is wreathed in fire. It's not as strong as his spells normally are, but that's no surprise - he tested his magic after he arrived here. It still works, and that's what's important, even if it's significantly weakened.]

Good.

[It takes a certain amount of trust to keep your back to a mage who is currently firing off spells. More, even, to trust that they will support you when it's needed. Cullen doesn't think about this though- the Inquisitor reported that Dorian is a capable fighter, and Cullen believes it easily. As much as he's not used to working with magic, he can adjust. It's like protecting an archer, right?

Either way, the concept of 'get between the monster and the less-armored ally' isn't foreign to him, and so Cullen moves forward. The fire that Dorian summoned is hot, but it's not nearly wild enough to where he's uncomfortable with moving closer. He doesn't resist magically generated elements as well as he used to so he's still careful, but aggressive.

Regardless, the monster does not particularly like being set on fire and it turns its gaze toward Dorian with the intent to charge at him. Luckily, Cullen is standing in the way and intercepts the beast, side stepping the sweep of its claws to drive forward with his blade.

Though he would like nothing more than to bury the steel inside of the creature's heart, Cullen knows how durable these things can be, and embedding his sword inside of it is not really a smart way to go. So he settles for slashing instead, bringing the blade down hard on one of the elongated arms and cutting deep into the twisted flesh there. It screams, lashing out, and he steps back- not quite out of range, but far enough to be able to block the next move.

Hopefully, they can put it down before it starts spewing magic of its own. Without a shield, Cullen doubts he'll fare very well against that.]

[He doesn't even consider the difficulty Cullen might have. He's become used to fighting alongside others, and his thoughts are consumed with fighting his fear and fighting this creature. It's easier now that he's not frozen - it's easier to act, to fight and to think about that instead of anything else.

He casts a barrier around Cullen, weaker than normal but enough to deflect an attack or two. His magic is briefly spent - strange to run low so quickly, but that seems to be what happens here, and at least he has his staff. Dorian sends a blast of ice at the abomination, distracting it with the sharp sting of ice crystals.

It doesn't seem as strong as an abomination would be at home. That's a good thing, because neither is Dorian, and this means they'll probably be able to take it down together. He keeps one eye on Cullen, making sure the barrier holds, and swings his staff again as he waits for his magical strength to return.

He's not afraid. He will not allow fear to stop him again. If he keeps telling himself that, it'll become true.]

[He doesn't think about how the monster has Dorian's features. It's not something he wants to dwell on, and the detachment that comes with realizing that killing the beast is necessary will make him hesitate later. They teach you that when you become a templar: any mage you encounter could become corrupt. Don't grow attached, always be willing to put a blade through their heart.

And now, Dorian- the monster that looks like him- needs to die, and Cullen shuts his mind off to any protest that he might have had at striking out against something that bears such a disconcerting resemblance to his ally. It's heartless, maybe, not to be afraid, but he has the training to force himself and little other practical choice.

He feels the slight tingle of the barrier as it's applied to him and ignores the way that the magic makes the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. It's necessary and appreciated, and gives him the defenses to be able to move in close again and slash at the monster's head. The blow cuts into its shoulder, lacking the strength to remove his head entirely, and the abomination spews a jet of fire in return, singing the fur on his mantle.

The barrier holds, even if the heat swelters at his face- the fire weaker than it should be, thank the Maker. Still, Cullen finds himself biting back frustration. If he had some grasp on his old abilities, he could at least Silence the damn thing and make this fight easy.

But there's no sense in dwelling on it, not when their lives are still on the line.]

Can you freeze it?

[Dorian is shooting ice from his staff, after all. It would be easier to take the abomination's head off if it were frozen in place, or even slowed. Cullen is wary about remaining too close otherwise, despite the barrier.]

Not at the moment, I'm afraid.

[Dorian has always focused on fire in addition to his necromancy - though certainly ice would be useful right now. Given enough time, he'd be able to cast an ice spell, but in the middle of battle? That's not exactly the right time for experiments, particularly when it's difficult enough to keep his wits about him. The fear hasn't entirely receded, but he's fighting it, and he can focus enough to fight.

Strong enough now for another spell, Dorian lowers his staff, lifting a hand instead. A curse, this time, and given enough time it would explode. Perhaps the creature would even die - but if nothing else, it would be a distraction. Keep its attention off Cullen for a few moments.]

You should have an opening soon. Watch yourself, Commander, I can't heal you if you're injured.

[He casts the spell, feeling the energy leave him as he does so. It's harder here, magic doesn't come as easily. Dorian doesn't like that at all.]

[Cullen glances behind him at the words, wanting to say something in response to the refusal, but now is really not the time. If Dorian says he can't, then he can't, and as much as Cullen is accustomed to fighting against mages, he's not used to the tactics of letting one support him. For that, he would do well to defer to Dorian's expertise, and so he lets the matter drop, deciding that he'd just let the mage do what he thinks is best from now on.

Which includes cursing the creature, apparently. Cullen can work with this. He can feel the strength of the barrier ebbing and so he moves quickly, blocking the next swipe of the abomination's claws with his blade and keeping his position defensive for now. He's waiting for the opening, watching the abomination carefully and delivering glancing blows where he can, keeping the attention on him.

The 'opening' that Dorian spoke of makes itself clear after another few deflections. The abomination lashes out with its claws again before its skin ripples- which is all the warning that Cullen gets before the monster's arm and shoulder just explodes.]

Oh-

[Gore splatters across his armor and Cullen has the lucky instinct to shut his mouth before it winds up somewhere even more unpleasant. The creature screams, the sound inhuman and shrill, and Cullen acts without thinking, using the- uh, distraction?- to force his blade into its exposed chest and skewer the heart. The shrill noise cuts off there, though he's relatively certain that the bomb would have killed it either way. Best to be quick about it, if nothing else.

Still. That was... unpleasant.]

[The important thing is that it didn't explode on Dorian. Well - no, the important thing is that the abomination, or whatever it really is, is dead. That releases Dorian from his fear, helps him so that he no longer has to fight it back. It wasn't real, he knows that now, but having it in front of him like that... it was just a bit too much.

Most of the others Dorian fights alongside aren't terribly bothered by the gore, or at least they expect it - there's always some of that in battle. But Dorian has forgotten that Cullen spends less time on the field these days. He steps forward, peering down at the thing, with a sideways glance at Cullen.]

Nicely done, Commander. Good to know you haven't gotten soft.

[It's easy now to pretend that he's not bothered, that he wasn't just upset and near-terrified. It's much more pleasant to regain his witty tone and casual demeanor, even if he is still somewhat shaken.]

What in Andraste's name was that?

[Cullen is less than thrilled about being coated in gore, and he makes a face as he delicately pulls a chunk of flesh from the fur of his mantle. He lets it drop to the floor, glancing back toward the mage with an irritated sigh. As thankful as he is that the crisis has been dealt with, he's less than thrilled about the spell that lead to... well, this.

But, true enough, it has been awhile since he's been on the front lines. Being coated in blood is just something to expect.]

It looked like an abomination. I've seen them a time or two. [His tone is wry, a little sarcastic. There's little point in asking a former templar what an abomination is if you don't want a straight answer, after all. But in truth, he understands the meaning behind what Dorian is asking. It obviously wasn't what it appeared to be, so what was it?]

Aside from that? It wasn't real. I don't know what it was, but it wasn't- [There's a slight pause, and for lack of better things to say, Cullen finally grates out,] -you.

[He wipes at his face, smearing the blood across his cheek. This isn't entirely unlike some of the things he's heard about- though in his experience, most demons tend to represent a concept, not embody someone's personal fear. Not outside of the Fade, anyway.]

Are you alright?

I'm not injured, but alright... that would be a bit of a stretch.

[It would be upsetting for anyone to see that sort of thing, Dorian is sure, so it's not at all strange for him to be bothered by it. Still... it wasn't real. He knows that. He's never been the slightest bit tempted to succumb to that sort of thing, and he's too strong for that. He knows it would never really happen.

He doesn't really want to think or talk about it anymore.]

Ugh, it was hideous. What a waste of my classically handsome profile.

[Yes, make it light - that will help. He glances at Cullen again, only then noticing the gore covering him.]

I hope none of that's yours, Commander. Are you alright?

[Cullen arches an eyebrow at that but doesn't say anything, his attention still on the corpse before them. Dorian is correct about one thing- the thing was hideous, and Cullen can think of a few more colorful words to describe it, but he drops the subject for now.

It was jarring for him. Cullen can't even imagine what it must be like to be in Dorian's place, to see yourself like that- but he doesn't pry, he lets Dorian make his jokes and shrugs a shoulder in response to the question, moving to clean his blade. The task proves a bit challenging when he realizes that there's not really a clean piece of cloth in reach that he can use to wipe the blood off, but he makes do with what he has.]

I wasn't hurt, no. The barrier shielded me from the fire.

[When the blade is clean enough, he puts it away, though he keeps one hand on the pommel and hopes that the tremble in his fingers isn't noticeable. An abomination. A fucking abomination, here, with Dorian's face and if it had just been one of them against it-

It was easier when he was removed from the front lines, behind orders and tables and planning out troop movements and guard rotations. Like this though? He's next to useless on the battlefield without his abilities. Even if the monster was weaker than it should have been, Cullen is sure that it would have killed him easily had Dorian not been there.

Something to think about at a later time, though. When he's not with Dorian and there aren't horrific monsters stalking through the halls.]

I don't know where that thing came from, but there may be more like it. We should try to find other fighters and mount an organized attack, route them out before they hurt people.

That sort of organizing seems right up your alley, but perhaps not mine.

[He moves toward the corpse, bending down. It's nothing he wants to look at closely - quite the opposite. The sight of his face on... that is unsettling and still sends a bolt of deep discomfort through Dorian. But as much as he might like to, it'll do no good to walk away and pretend nothing happened.]

We need more information on what these... creatures are. It's clearly no real abomination, but beyond that we really know nothing.

[Dorian will need to find out more, and if he can help others in the process, all the better. He straightens, turning back toward Cullen.]

It would be remiss of me not to thank you, Commander. You came to my aid without a thought. [A smile, perhaps just a touch weaker than it would normally be.] Exceedingly heroic of you.

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[One of the corridors has a sudden drop in temperature. It's positively freezing - indeed there's a thin sheen of frost along part of the wall. Almost as if shot directly out in a straight line.

There's no screaming. No call for help. But just around the bend in the corridor, sounds of a struggle.

Cole is there, trembling due to absolutely nothing to do with the cold, his feet frozen in place as what appears to be a despair demon advances on him. Yet there's something ... off about this demon. It looks like any other despair demon. It seems to be acting like one. And yet if looked at long enough there is still an overwhelming sense of familiarity about it. A sense that this demon is somehow also Cole.

Cole is terrified.]

[His pace picks up at those sounds, and he holds his staff ready. He knows now what these creatures can do - how they'll get ahold of his fears too if he lets it. Dorian would rather not face that again.

He rounds the bend, sees Cole. He only pauses long enough to take in the scene - Cole, frightened out of his wits, a despair demon bearing down on him. A despair demon that's... familiar.

It's not that difficult to realize what this is. After all, Dorian's own fear was not so different. That dark version of yourself, the twisted place you could go to if you're not careful. He knows that fear so well.

And that's why he wastes no time. Ice, is it? Excellent.

A sharp gesture and the demon is blasted by flames, catching on its strange cloak. Enough to distract, at least.]

Cole! It isn't real.

[Enough to distract, and free Cole enough that he can move his feet once more, back into the quick moves that the rogue is good for. He turns sharply to look at Dorian, so completely wrapped up in his own fear that he actually hadn't sensed the other, but then he's moving again, darting in to strike at the Despair demon before moving back.

He is still terrified. Still filled with dread. He puts himself between Dorian and the demon just the same.]

[He tries to distract himself enough that the creature can't fee off his fear. He doesn't want to see that thing again - and honestly, this is enough. The thought of Cole turning into something so twisted, so different... that is terrifying. Dorian does believe that Cole never would, that this is just another fear, but how can he know?]

Fight, Cole. You can do this.

[He swings his staff, blasting the creature with his magic.]

[He can't know. Neither can Cole, really. That's why he's so afraid.

When Dorian sends the blast of magic, Cole dives in after it. He just barely misses being caught by friendly fire himself, instead using it as cover as he weaves around the stunned 'demon', briefly vanishing with the movement until he reappears as his daggers embed themselves in its back.]

[That's more like it. And these things seem... weaker than they would be at home. Dorian is weaker too, so perhaps that's what causes it. Or perhaps these things are something else entirely. Currently, Dorian is leaning toward the second explanation, but he really isn't sure.

He steps forward, staff at the ready, gathering his power for another spell. It sank to the ground when Cole stabbed it...]

Is it dead?

[It's probably dead.

That doesn't stop Cole from stabbing it a few more times, from cutting it's throat, just to be sure.]

Yes.

[Before? Probably. Now? Definitely. He's still shaking a little bit.]

[He steps closer. He doesn't want to startle Cole - especially not with weapons in his hands - so he reaches out carefully, just to put a hand on Cole's shoulder.]

It wasn't you.

[Cole's grip on his daggers goes slightly slack when Dorian touches his shoulder. A gesture meant to comfort. Dorian is concerned. Concerned for him. Cole's voice is soft, grieving.]

It could have been. It almost was. Not again, never again. I won't make that mistake again.

You won't. And we'll be here too - it'll be much easier to stay on track with the Commander looking over your shoulder, don't you think?

[His voice is lighter, trying to cheer Cole up in Dorian's usual manner. Of course, he'll be watching Cole as well, both for the boy's sake and for everyone else's, but he imagines Cullen is probably a more apparent threat.]

[Cullen is the more apparent threat. Even without lyrium, he's still a templar on the inside, a templar like Evangeline was. He has to protect mages from demons.]

Yes. He needs to kill me if that happens.

We'll do our best to keep that from being necessary.

[But he'll do it if it comes to that. Dorian knows well that if it did, it would be for the best - for all of them.]

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PLAYER PLOT: fear is the mind-killer

Dorian | open | cw: psychological trauma

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B!

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