ataraxionlogs | [open] where is my mind?

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[open] where is my mind?

CHARACTERS: Eridan Ampora & YOU!!
LOCATION: In the library, as well as up and down the halls near said library.
WARNINGS: Mentions of brainwashing, general post-assimilation woes, etc etc.
SUMMARY: Eridan doesn't know what to do with himself now that the assimilation has (somewhat) worn off. So, he wanders.
NOTES: Feel free to assume that by "halls near the library," I mean anywhere you can imagine your character running into Eridan. Seriously, just mention a different location and that's where he's wandered to. :) Dated to the day before jump, just to be safe.

Eridan's major regret in regards to the Strela Outpost Incident is that he allowed himself to be caught. He can't remember exactly what he'd been thinking, cornered in that tiny ~~warm, lovely~~ white room, but he's pretty sure he spent most of the hours in there berating himself for being so fucking obvious. He knows better now, though; he knows firsthand how to keep out of the way, become part of the school and not stand out or be too obvious. It'll be a good defense mechanism, if he remembers to use it.

Leaving the outpost had been the hardest thing to do in what felt like his entire life, though now he can't remember why, exactly. It had been fucking terrible, being a nameless number within some kind of fucked up groupthink type situation. Eridan prides himself in his individuality, after all, and getting stripped of that - of everything that was him - has left him with a sour feeling in his gut, like he swallowed some living, wriggling sea creature. It'll take a long while to digest, but he's got all the time in the world.

He'll get over it.

In the meantime, though, sitting in his room and watching people on the network has become some kind of chore. His room has become his during his stay aboard the Tranquility, and usually that's a good thing. He has a safe spot here, somewhere that's nearly entirely his and no one can take it from him. Lately, though, it feels too much like him - when he'd first gotten back into it after breaking through the haze of assimilation, it'd been kind of heartbreaking. It felt lonely and alone and very different from what he thinks he felt in Strela. That unease had faded over the last few days, but it still felt better to be walking, moving, ~~left-right-left~~, getting his head to focus on things other than tiny white rooms and a quickly disappating feeling of belonging. So that's what he does - he wanders, pacing through halls and spending time in the library, downloading things about astrology and odysseys onto his communicator to read while he walks. A few articles on military history, shit like that. Things he likes, as an individual with good taste and a mind perfectly healthy and ready to learn. Things to get his mind off of everything.

He's going to get over it and move on and stop thinking about it. Really. The sooner, the better.

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Jack hasn't seen Eridan all that much for the past month or so. Maybe the troll was busy, maybe he was a little too invested in his work. He doesn't know why. He spent a little while on the outpost, and he'd hoped to run into him there. Before everything had gone to hell, that was. And then, when he realized what was going on, he'd tried to find him. Tried to get him out. He didn't know whether it was the young troll avoiding him or whether it was just his own horrible luck that left him unsuccessful. Made him leave, with the people he'd managed to convince to go, without him. It had been the worst feeling - it always was. Knowing that he had to give up, that he had to make choices.

He looks for him again when people start trickling back on board. Guilt keeps him from sending a direct message - what would he say? It's ironic that, completely by chance, he would run into him in the hallway as he does right now, after so long putting so much effort into searching with no results at all.

"Eridan?"

Eridan hears his name called, but for a brief second it doesn't quite register, like hearing someone call out to another person with a similar, but not identical name. He mentally shakes that feeling off nearly as fast as it comes on, looking up from his communicator to see Jack in front of him.

He raises an eyebrow, self-assured and cocky, and doesn't think about how he'd wondered where the fuck Jack Harkness had been when he'd been actually needed for once.

"Uh, yeah?" he replies, "Are you expectin' me to be someone else or somethin' here? Pretty sure I'm kinda hard to fuckin' miss around these parts, Harkness." Because everything is just fine and he can snark without menace just like before. Everything is perfectly fine.

It's been long enough since he's ran into the other that for a moment he's not quite sure how to handle himself. Eridan's sarcasm is familiar, but Jack's never been good with subtle emotions even at the best of times. He can't quite tell whether everything is really as fine as Eridan's trying to make it seem or not.

He's quiet for a moment, and still, and it's awkward for him, considering how he's normally smiling and vibrant and moving, but he needs to get it out, if only for his own conscience. "...I looked for you," he said, without really supplying any more context to the comment than that.

There's no context required. Eridan immediately knows what Jack's talking about, and he immediately opens his mouth to blurt out the obvious, you didn't fuckin' find me, did you?, but he snaps it shut before he can actually say something that stupid.

Instead, he checks his communicator, marks his spot in his reading, and then tucks it away, crossing his arms and frowning at Jack with what he hopes is a mildly exasperated expression. "Yeah, okay, so? A lot'a people wwere lookin' for me." It's a blatant lie and it makes that wriggling creature in his gut leap because nobody had been looking for him, because here he's nonessential and unwanted. No, fuck that, he's completely wanted. That's just the white room talking.

Jack really isn't good with guilt, and he can feel it curling in his gut as Eridan stands there and crosses his arms at him. His initial instinct is to just run away. He's said what's on his mind, he could leave if he just turned and walked away. But he's done that too many times before, left too many chasms that could never be filled in again by not facing down his demons as it is, and Eridan is really one of the only friends he has on board, other than Ianto, and he really can't lose anyone else.

"...I'm sorry." That he couldn't find him, that he failed him, if he's angry at him because of it, for what happened, if he suffered at all because of it. He wants to know if any of this is the case, and yet he doesn't dare ask.

"Wwhy?" Eridan shrugs his shoulders, looking skeptically at Jack while fighting the urge to fidget or about-face and run. He really doesn't like Jack when he's not being a self-confident leadertype; it makes him more uncomfortable than he'd like to admit. And damn it, if Eridan is going to pretend to be self-assured and confident, Jack could at least act as if it were actually working. "There's nothin' to be sorry for. For all you knoww, I got outta there at the first sign'a trouble. Unless there's some kinda official record'a wwho got caught up in the school mentality, you shouldn't apologize for somethin' you don't knoww happened."

And then, because he can't help it, "Anywway, it wwasn't evven that fuckin' big a deal."

Sure it wasn't. Jack's got enough experience to know that assimilation is never good. Daleks and Cybermen, they were all about assimilating, becoming one of the mass. The Master, with his Toclofane. The last of humanity, converted into cyborgs and forced to act together and do his bidding. Aliens that use that sort of tactic are probably close to number one on the list of things that actually do terrify Jack. Which is why, at the first sign of trouble, he'd tried to get as many people as he could out. That he hadn't managed with Eridan, that he doesn't know what it was that did happen with him, it rubs him the complete wrong way.

"Wasn't it?" he asks, directly.

Eridan drops his arms to his sides, thinks better of it, thinks better of trying to cross his arms again and finally settles for shoving his hands into his pockets. He knows that Jack is fishing, and that pretending that it hadn't happened won't work with him. But he also knows that - well.

The things he sometimes thinks were horrible about the situation aren't the things that anyone else would probably think.

"Nah," he says, finally, taking too long to answer.

Jack knows that Eridan's answer came far too late for it to be a straight one. He notices the fidgeting, notices that something's on the other's mind, something that he doesn't want to talk about. So. He doesn't.

He shoves his hands in his pockets, rocking on his feet slightly. "Okay," he says, because what else is there to say. And promptly moves on.

"Haven't seen you around in a while," he says.

Jack drops the topic without much of a fight, and it leaves Eridan blindly casting out for an appropriate response to the more mundane line of questioning coming his way. The tact and forethought he'd actually mustered up evaporates as he says, "I wwas sorta part'a this giant hivvemind thing for a lil' bit there, so yeah, I havven't been around too much until today."

...And he promptly shuts his eyes, scrunching up his face in the traditional expression of "wow-way-to-blurt-that-shit-out-bro".

The only thing going for him right now is the fact that he managed to keep his blunt remark flippant sounding. He tries to keep that going by adding, "Also been in my room readin' a lot. Fef mentioned some interestin' shit about horoscopes, so I'm readin' up on that." He bites the inside of his cheek to keep from rambling on about every last thing he's been using to (unsuccessfully) take his mind off of things.

So Eridan was assimilated. Well, that answers that question, at least. He doesn't push, not because he doesn't want to know more about what happened with Eridan, but more because he doesn't really feel comfortable even trying himself.

"Reading up on horoscopes because Fef mentioned it," he repeats. "So Fef's still around?" And associating with Eridan, despite the shouting match he'd witnessed when she'd initially come aboard.

"A'course she is, she's not gonna go anywwhere." If Jack can ignore that stupid outburst, so can Eridan, so instead he just plunders blindly on. "She wwas talkin' about howw each'a our signs became astrological symbols for the humans in our univverse, an' for some reason that's important or wwhatevver. There's not a lot about it here, though. Not really important." He shrugs his shoulders.

"Your signs?" Jack has to ask, because as far as he knows, he's never heard about signs before. He idly wonders if Eridan will ever get tired of the questions, and casually notes that for all he's asked about Eridan's life, Eridan seems not to pry all that much into his. Which is refreshing, considering how many secrets he'd prefer to keep buried.

"It's good, though. That she's still here," Jack says, as casually as he can, knowing that Eridan has issues concerning people leaving him.

"Yeah, it is," Eridan replies, trying to sound flippant despite the fact that he knows he's been obvious about his fears around Jack. He doesn't want to even think about the possibility of her leaving at this point. He's already fucked up with Feferi once - he wouldn't know how to handle it if something happened again.

"An' yeah, signs. Uh, that's right, none'a us havve our usual wwardrobes, so wwe havven't been runnin' around wwith them plastered all ovver us." Which, now that he thinks about it, that'd been kind of weird. ...Oh well. "Evvery troll has some kind'a sign associated to 'em dependin' on vvarious annoyin' factors that I don't really wwanna get into. Fef's is called Pisces - mine's Aquarius. I guess wwhen wwe set up our humans' univverse, it kinda got carried ovver."

Jack pauses a beat, before what Eridan says really kicks in. "Wait a minute. You're telling me that...you created the horoscope, by creating the other universe, and that you guys are all, what. Embodiments of the different signs? And you're." He stops talking for a moment, looking Eridan over, sizing him up, before finally speaking up again. "I can see it. I mean, it's not obvious, but I can see it."

Eridan shrugs, frowning curiously. "Yeah? I dunno, sounds mostly like a bunch'a crap to me, but Fef's all about it, so..." He rolls his eyes a little. "Might as wwell learn wwhat she's carpin' on about so I can actually contribute to convversations on the subject. But yeah, basically. Wwhen wwe beat SGRUB, wwe created a univverse, an' in that univverse, us twwelvve got passed ovver as... uh, constellations, I guess. Humans just built some wweird fake mythological characterizations around 'em."

Jack wouldn't say that they were fake. Someone had to know something about the trolls to create them - there's no way that there would be that much of a coincidence. The trolls built the universe, after all, they probably had some hand in shaping it as well, without even realizing it. "Hey, I dunno. Some people really believe in astrology things. I mean, according to your astrology, as an Aquarius you should work well with Gemini, learn from a Pisces, and not work well with a Scorpio. Does any of that sound right to you?"

Unlike a handful of others, Rey didn't get caught. She had known well enough to take the high ground when she needed to. In this case, scaling as many structures and getting out of sight as soon as people were getting dragged off had been Rey's immediate course of action at the time. All else that happened after that was just every man for himself.

Perhaps she wasn't exactly doing her job as she should, she realized, in a moment of reflection in her solitude and silence. Protecting people, that was. Knowing that she was at least somewhat capable of looking after someone under her wing (such as a mostly-blind man once), she didn't know why she stayed out of the way. It wasn't like she was an easy individual to move, anyway.

That said, Rey's movements were hardly ever considered stealthy. A few hundred pounds that belonged to a five-foot-seven woman treaded across the hallways and various rooms. It didn't seem like much at first. It did, however, mean something to the authorities on Strela when they had attempted to capture her at one point. As a handful had to learn the hard way, they were all quick to discover that she wasn't an easy subject to carry.

But that was then. Most of those passing days came and went with chaos and disorder. Two concepts that were very prevalent in the everyday routine of Rey's past lives. Now, this woman did her usual rounds. Just another day in the life. As if nothing had happened, nothing had changed.

There would always be something to look forward to around the corner of the next jump.

Also unlike many people, Rey did not come here to read. Books provided knowledge, and knowledge was a prohibited prospect that had been forsaken from Rey's vocabulary. There were no books here. Did not reek of the same smell of knowledge. The idea was all the same, right there in the data. A blind man named Tejinder Wakeman would have had a field day with this place.

For Rey, her interests lay with the gray-skinned boy, who she'd seen pacing around the halls. They may have spoken before, which also made him a subject of interest. She had left him to his own devices at first, and went and continued her patrol for awhile. But some time later, she returned to find that he was still in the general vicinity.

Curious.

She decided to follow. But, as usual, her heavy footfalls did not make Rey the most inconspicuous of stalkers.

Eridan wasn't the sort of person to ignore the sound of someone following him for long; that went double for when he was still dealing with the aftermath of something he refused to admit was seriously a big deal.

When he heard those heavy footsteps, he let them follow for a few feet before about-facing abruptly, bristling with his hands clenched, thinking both not again and just one more time. When he saw the woman who he'd gotten into a very... one-sided argument with being his not-too-subtle shadow, he scowled. "Wwhat the fuck are you doin'?"

The woman regarded the scowl with a simple, green-eyed stare. For several seconds, she held onto that in the motionless silence, before she cant her head to the side.

At first, she debated on saying anything. The last time they'd spoke, she didn't speak at all. Maybe that was the norm. But then, for whatever reason, she decided against it:

"Walking. Moving my legs at a steady pace for a consecutive period of time." No mentions of following, or anything like that. Rey was a bit too straightforward for that, even when she does dance around the subject, in her own way.

Oh. Eridan quirked an eyebrow, leaning back a bit and adopting a more annoyed posture, rather than outright hostile. "You talk noww, huh? Good for you. Evven figured out wwhat the fuck wwalkin' is, I'm real proud. Except you're actually not wwalkin'." He pointed a finger in her direction, completely aware that there was too much space for it to seem like an attack in itself. "It's called stalkin'. That's wwhere you movve your legs at a steady pace for a consecuitvve period'a time wwith the purpose'a followwin' someone."

He barely resisted pushing his glasses up his nose as he asked again, "So wwhat are you doin'?"

She only nodded once at the talking part, but ironically didn't even address that with words. Yes, she was practically catatonic at that time. Or something like that, it seemed... It was hard to say, when you were virtually trapped in your own head for a time.

Rey wasn't going to deny the stalking. That didn't mean she was going to give it validation, either. Far as she was concerned, she had every right to be suspicious.

"Apologies. I was distracted by your behavioral patterns." She stopped, her eyes blinked once and did not move. "You have been here awhile."

You also appear troubled. As if she knew a damn thing about people who had their own problems, what to do or how to even handle it.

Eridan didn't like the idea that someone had been watching him long enough to know his habits, even if it was only for right now and not some kind of constant, over-arching plot against him. Then again, what did he know? Maybe it was.

"Yeah, so? It's not a fuckin' crime to wwander around, is it? I'm pretty fuckin' sure nobody's called me out on it or tried to throww me in the brig for it, so wwhat's the big deal?"

Touchy, wasn't he?

Rey didn't move, flinch, twitch a muscle or expression on that face of hers. She stared at the boy, calculatingly.

"I have said nothing about it being a crime." She paused. "I was just bored."

She really had no other excuse for her actions. Take it how you will.

Before she arrived on Tranquility, Equius had told her to hide. Stay hidden. Stay safe. For his sake.

Truth be told, Nepeta was working up the courage to follow her moirail on his dangerous quest before she'd woken up on the ship. Even then, Equius could handle himself--she was sure of it!--and Gamzee was their friend, wasn't he? Surely things would turn out alright.

(So she tells herself when her worries threaten her on the edge of sleep.)

The assimilation was different. Gamzee's murder mode was left to her imagination. The blank stares, false smiles, so many hateful eyes glaring at her as though her very existence offended them? That was disconcerting. Nepeta may have been an outlier in troll society, but never before had she felt such hostility for having an identity. It was scary, frankly. Give her a giant monster to fight, she'd take that on any day, but being wiped of her identity--no longer being Nepeta--that scared her more than death. They would have stripped her of everything had she not stolen away in air vents and crevices and kept discreetly on the move.

Nepeta hid, and now her guilt eats at her. She chews her lip as she hesitates outside the room she saw Eridan go into. If she disobeyed Equius, if she was braver, if she had taken initiative instead of being so darn passive, if if if anything, maybe she could have protected people. Maybe she could have helped her friends. Nep isn't usually one for self-deprecation, but she can't help but think to herself, You could have at least TRIED.

Now she doesn't know quite what to do or say to make things right, but damned if she's going to back down from being what little comfort she can offer. She just... has to push her shame aside first. Gosh it's hard being a six sweep old troll. No one understands.

Instead of saying anything, Nepeta merely peeks her head in the room. If Eridan wants to talk, he'll talk. If not... well, everyone likes tea, right? Bitches love tea.

Eridan's back isn't turned to the door, but nonetheless he doesn't immediately notice that anyone's spying on him. He's got some weird documents on the astronomy of this general sector of the universe on his communicator, and they're kind of interesting. Just because he can't actually see the stars, thanks to the lack of windows on the ship, doesn't mean he can't learn about them anyway.

Some part of him thinks, never know when you'll need them to guide you, but he's not really sure why he'd ever think he'd need to sail some foreign planet's seas. Or skies. He's not really feeling a mutiny.

He happens to glance up after a few minutes of being shallowly interested in his reading - it's already failing to keep in his head - and he notices Nepeta watching him. He never felt another troll during that assimilation, he thinks, so he doubts she's here to hunt him down after getting tangled up in his head along with all the others, but there's still a kind of anxiousness there.

They didn't get Feferi and they didn't get Nepeta, but he remembers distinctly hating the hivemind for even thinking about it. He can even sort of recall why.

"Oh, hey," he says, trying for casual but ending with something more subdued.

Nepeta jumps a bit, but quickly smiles and waves as she cautiously wanders in.

"Hey Eridan. Um..."

How are you feeling? is a silly question at this point. Bad, obviously, his tone says that much, and she doesn't expect Eridan to pour his heart out to her like Equius would. Saying sorry would be even worse; sorry for what? she can picture him saying, and should she respond with I'm sorry I couldn't purrtect you or I'm sorry you got caught and had your thinkpan assaulted would probably wound his pride, leading to an ugly discussion and making them both feel worse. Can't start the road to healing with that, now can she?

Peeking over his shoulder, Nepeta settles for asking, "What're you reading? Anything epic?"

The way she hesitates pretty much says all that for her, of course, so Eridan scowls at her momentarily before... well, giving up that fight. He doesn't like the idea of people walking on eggshells around him. Well, okay. He wouldn't mind some more consideration, but he'd rather it be out of respect or fear than... being sorry for him, or whatever this shit was going to be.

He looks back at his communicator, almost as if he's completely dismissed her. Then, when she asks, he glances back up and says, "Somethin' about astronomy an' shit. Not really sure, I havven't been payin' it much attention to be honest. Doubtful it'll be useful, since wwe can't evven see the constellations around us." There's a pause. "Wwhat are you doin' here?"

While Nepeta is hardly a stranger to scowls, this one is rather disheartening. (And if she's honest it irritates her a bit. Yeesh, Eridan, she only wants to help! THIS IS WHAT FRIENDSHIP LOOKS LIKE ACCEPT IT.) Still she stays bright and calm and waits for him to respond.

"I wonder... I haven't found any windows on the ship, but maybe there's some monitors so we can see the stars! How else would the captain steer this thing? In that case it'd be plenty useful!"

Her enthusiasm falters when he asks her why she's suddenly here, but not for more than a second. "Me? Er. I couldn't sleep."

It's not a lie, and it certainly sounds better than I've been following you around all day.

"Decided to walk around fur a little while and wound up here. What about you? I mean you're obviously here to read, but..."

Friendship is gross, Nepeta, go away before you give him friendcooties.

"Probably," he says in response to her theory, "Or they're all automated systems or somethin'. Wwho knowws if they evven use stars as guides in this day an' age. I'll leavve that shit to the engineers or wwhatevver."

He doesn't look like he really believes her excuse as to why she's here at all, but he doesn't call her out on it. Which should be noted as a big fucking deal, because Eridan usually calls people out on lying to him. He guesses it sounds plausible enough.

He shrugs his shoulders. "I dunno. Guess sleepin' isn't a thing I wwanna do right noww either. Besides, my room is..." Too familiar. "Kinda feelin' too small for me right noww."

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[open] where is my mind?

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