ataraxionlogs | out flew the web and floated wide

CHARACTERS: Roy Walker [

fallasleep] and anyone who wants to visit him
LOCATION: Medbay
WARNINGS: Suicidal thoughts, depression. The usual with Roy.
SUMMARY: Roy wakes up when he doesn't want to wake up. People visit him.
NOTES: Takes place from 14 Aug to the end of the month. Please put the date down when tagging in, thanks!

[ His eyes are open and he feels cold and he doesn't want either. His throat and chest and stomach ache. Some might think that is a good thing. But pain means he's alive, and that's what Roy doesn't want. He sees the medbay again. He sees his own fingers, curling by his side, and both seem the deepest cruelty anyone can inflict on him.

Roy understands why he lives, though. He hasn't hidden himself well enough. He was too eager. He didn't try his very best to find what he needed. The painkillers should have been stronger. Maybe he should have taken the acid instead of the iodine. Maybe he should have asked for stronger alcohol. Maybe he should have just taken a scalpel instead of... Maybe, maybe, maybe. A thousand of them and no way that he can fix it.

(But he was so desperate. He is still desperate. He will have to try again, as soon as possible. He knows that.)

He stares in front of him. Straight ahead. No matter the sounds, no matter who looks. He simply stares emptily.

His throat hurts. (There's a part of himself that's happy about that.) He can't speak, though he still has his tablet by his side. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The end.. is when all things cease to Be. [hums, briefly.] The immortal spirit of an Elf returns to Mandos, and is reborn in Valinor, the Undying Lands, to reunite with friends and family. But the spirits of mortals do not share this fate.

Luthien has forsaken her immortality, and thus, the Undying Lands. She will have Beren with her, but she will never again see her father, perhaps not even her mother, nor any of her people.

[not that he quite expects roy to understand. it's a different world, after all.]

So where do the 'spirits of mortals' [ the air quotes are really obvious in his voice ] go after death?

Will she even care that she never sees them again? Far as I know, when you die, you don't see anything again. [ He smiles, all teeth. ] Oblivion.

I am sure many mortals would wish that were so. [and a handful of ainur as well, perhaps.] It is said that mortal spirits pass beyond the boundaries of our universe and return to the Creator, to wait with him just as immortal ones are bound to Arda.

[mairon falls quiet again. partly mulling over roy's last word. oblivion. he knew such a thing, once.]

..If you lived your life knowing that after death you would see your family again, even those who had died before you, and that you would be with them forever in a land that changes not, and little ever dies.. if you lived with this knowledge for several hundred years, thousands perhaps-- would you willingly give up this certainty to be with one that you loved? [the solemnity slips away in a moment, a quirk of a smile and a small laugh.] Could you even imagine being several hundred years old to begin with?

[ It's not even the part about being several hundred years old. It's Mairon's assumption that he has people with whom he wants to spend the rest of his life. If Roy is Luthien, then his reason for giving up immortality will not merely be for Beren - but because he cannot imagine having to live within this emptiness that now governs his life.

That's why fairytales are fairytales in the end - no matter how dark or sorrowful their endings, no matter how many trials the heroine or hero has to go through, there is joy in every step they take, every word told.

He lifts his shoulders in a shrug. ]

Probably not.

Nor would I. [he shrugs.] But then I have never known the loves that Luthien knew, nor, perhaps, would I ever.

..My apologies if it was not to your liking, Roy Walker. [he offers the smallest of smiles.] There were few Kings in my time, and fewer daughters for there to be tales of.

[ He snorts at those words. He doesn't doubt that Mairon has no interest of having that kind of love at all. ]

Those kinds of love is only for King's daughters and their lovers. [ He pauses, then cocks his head to the side. ] But then, I'm surprised. Is there no King with three daughters?

[ That's always the rule in fairytales: the rule of three. In any case- ]

I don't dislike the story itself. I just dislike the ending. [ It's too much like a fairytale. Roy would much prefer it if they had both died at the paws of the wolf. Or, even better, that they both survived, but Luthien changed her mind about Beren, and ended up marrying a prince after all.

That's how people are, after all. No matter the world. ]

out flew the web and floated wide

..yes. wraps around like a boa constrictor.

/dies....

RESUSCITATSE with wordvomits

I'm not quite sure that's worth coming back for

but WORDS…

words, just words...