ataraxionlogs | i need another story, something to get off my chest.

[ dear mr. burke, i'm not a unicorn but you should come catch me anyway. xoxo irene ]

[ the engineering department seems to hold its off days when it came to peter's attention, and when he can wiggle his way into the labs instead, peter's more than pleased to do so. this time around it's namely because his concentration is all over the place to begin with and it seems as if every time he attempts to do something in engineering, his mind's immediately off somewhere else. not that he can blame that on anything but the ship, even if peter's trying to do exactly that as he sifts his way through mismatched equipment. half of it's broken - like poetry; the literary symbolism is almost painful - but peter's peering into test tubes like they hold the secrets to the universe.

except for how they, sadly, did not.

to add insult to injury, the memory that's fading from behind his eyes this time around is one of a marriage. peter isn't generally a bitter guy, but somebody's happy kodak moments aren't really his cup of tea. especially when the guy he's sharing brain cells with also seems to be an fbi agent; the coincidences just keep on coming. which is less than awesome in peter's books.

footsteps sounding from behind him, crunching over something else that was pitifully broken, peter turns, eyebrows raised. ] There's more than enough fungus to go around, if you're interested. [ because that's one way to say hello. ]

[ there is, arguably, a strange amount of people that could who qualify as people he might be able to think have these memories. it's not that peter's life is ordinary, it's just that a lot of people have very very strange lives on the tranquility. peter is, through proper investigation techniques, kind of aware of this. though, truth be told, he has to admit he thinks of neal with some of these memories and if that doesn't perhaps say something about his life and how strange it is as well, then there's something wrong.

peter's scheduled routes change every so often, partially because he makes them change ( he's by the books always except when he's not ) and today it leads him to the science lab. where he gets the strangest sense of almost deja vu upon seeing peter and hearing peter's voice. at the eyebrow, peter shakes his head. ]

Not a big fan of fungus. I'm actually more of a math and numbers man. [ a beat. ] Do you always say hello that way?

[ this is a fucking pain in the ass. that's what jax has to say about this shit, about trying to track down people he's never met, never spoken to. the collar of his t-shirt is stained with blood, he's got a headache that won't quit, and he needs--

he needs some fucking fed, that's what he needs, and he would kick back and see how long he could stand to ignore it, but if he bleeds out, who was going to look out for tara?

and when he spots the fucker, jax doesn't bother with the pleasantries, or the introductions. ]

You.

[ what a furious, resentful greeting. ]

Gimme your hand.

[ this has got to be the one link peter would like to do without. it's not that he automatically dislikes criminals, sometimes they're like neal and they don't like to hurt people and just technically do crimes that end in no one getting hurt. jax is the kind of person, even if certain elements are there that he can sympathize with, he's the kind of criminal that peter hates. there's a reason he's only in white collar. he typically does not have to deal with this caliber of people.

he has to find the exact sort of criminal he specifically likes to avoid and there's something in his head about how this ship is mocking him and thinking this hilarious that crosses his head when they run into each other. peter doesn't bend to orders from criminals, but honestly, he wants this over just as much as jax probably does. and so he just ends up taking his hand the other one is ready to grab his gun if need be. ]

You're not even part of my division. [ like that makes it any better with the way peter says it, slow and controlled even while the relief of having the connection in a loop relaxes his body just slightly. ]

[ he's dealt with guys like peter before. feds are feds, and jax doesn't like to split hairs. what's important is knowing how to play them when you have to, and jax doesn't have to do a damn thing with this one but hold his hand for a while, till they can rip out of each other's heads. ]

What, don't want to get your hands dirty?

[ it's mocking, jax's gaze sliding from peter's free hand to his face, like he's already figured the answer. ]

[ peter's not a prideful man, nor is he particularly inclined to jump to anger automatically. jax's words, however, sort of do away with that, and maybe it's part of their loop, their connection and the mocking tone that set peter off. it's enough to get him to take on his own mocking tone that's calm, but is also annoyed. ]

No, I'd just rather not deal with gun pushers who think it's okay to make people cower in fear just because they have the firepower behind them. [ there's a subtext in there, one that implies that peter has no particular problem getting his hands dirty, he just finds it distasteful. ] Besides, mine can get mine pretty dirty. Not as dirty as yours stay, but dirty enough that I'm okay with it.

You think that's not what feds do?

[ blatantly baiting feds is stupid. that's written in stone back home. but they're in space and peter is nobody, so jax can do what he wants without any blowback. ]

Shit, man, you're either stupid or blind if you think feds don't throw their weight around, and they don't need guns to do it.

I know exactly what feds do, but what you think they do is what every criminal thinks they do.

[ peter likes to think he's not rising to the bait, that he's better than that, but there's something instinctively bothersome to him when it comes to hearing that sort of thing about what he does. ]

I know perfectly well sometimes we need guns because shockingly criminals have guns but the reason we have them is to help protect people. And I don't know, the pursuit of justice. There's a reason I work in White Collar and not any of the other ones.

[ neal isn't sure if he's dreading the idea of not ending up seeing things from peter's memories or happy they've seemed to avoid it; the ship solves the conundrum for him, and without really thinking about it he slips on shoes and without really giving the command to his body to move, his fist is pounding against peter's door. ]

Peter. Peter, I didn't know.

[ which makes absolutely no sense and neal winces at the frantic tone, but he's left with the image of looking into his own eyes and knowing that it didn't matter, none of it— that his trust had been betrayed and neal really wasn't going to wake up one day and realize the life he chased around the world under a hundred different names wasn't worth destroying what he was building here— and he can't help the frantic urge to explain again, confess everything he and moz did after but convince peter it had never been like that, that he wasn't just a mark at the end of the day. ]

Peter, please.

[ neal's memories make peter angry. he's never an angry man naturally, it's part of why the fbi likes him so much, why he's good at his job. it takes very specific things to piss him off to the point where he ruins things with the sheer anger he feels.

but there's always— neal always brings out the worst ( and best ) in him and this time is no different. he almost wants to let neal pound on the door and frantically try and explain things, but he can't. he could try, but he'll always break when it comes to neal.

he remembers the feeling, remember how betrayed he felt how— he still has to wonder some days if neal was ( is ) treating him like the longest con that he can. and maybe it doesn't compare to how neal felt like once peter accused him ( he should feel bad, he does feel bad, deep down ), but it's a reminder of how much it stung and it's—

he shouldn't have come. but peter still opens the door anyway. ]

I know. I know that now. [ i didn't then. the memories of everything just slide between things peter's always wanted to see and things peter never wants to see and it's hard to shift through them correctly. it makes the feelings of happiness ( joy, pleasure ) with having the knowledge of some of them get outranked by the anger on some of them. he knows he sounds mad, and he is, but he's not just— ]

Calm down. [ it's an order of sorts, peter doesn't give orders, not really, not to neal, not to anyone and yet this time— ]

I'm sorry, Peter. Please.

[ it's like when peter sent him home after fowler, his breath coming tight and heavy in his throat. feeling the weight of what's almost disgust from peter, even in memory, brings bile to his throat and makes taking in air that much harder, his breathing only steady by sheer force. ]

It started like that, but you aren't another con. You have to believe me.

[ because if peter leaves him alone here it's not just losing the only person he trusts, it's losing— ] I didn't take it.

Edited 2013-11-03 05:38 (UTC)

[ peter's hand is clenched into a fist, it shouldn't be. he is calm, he should be calm because that's what he is for neal, always has been for neal, the true calming force in his life that makes everyone else seem unsteady in comparison.

peter can't manage calm, not right now, he wants to though. he just needs to get neal to calm down first. needs to make these memories fit where they should and needs to know which feelings are his. ]

Because you seem to enjoy having my trust so much. It suits your needs, doesn't it. Having me have faith in you that you throw back in my face. [ peter can't ever bring himself to leave neal, it's going to get them ( him ) in trouble one of these days but neal is such an important part of his life that he can't do it. cutting the other man out is like cutting out his wife and he could never. ]

Didn't take what. [ it's an attempt at a line in the sand, just on this, he needs to hear the words and not it or this or the vague terms he knows neal hides behind. ]

You don't, you thought I took them.

[ dimly, even neal is aware there's a little bit of hysterical teenager flavoring his words but he can't make himself stop, needs peter to understand the things he thought weren't neal. ]

The paintings, Peter. From the sub, I didn't steal them.

[ he'll explain the rest if peter asks; it's not withholding as the single, driving urge to prove he's not the man peter saw in that split second of fury, the rest of the positive memories be damned. ]

Edited 2013-11-03 06:18 (UTC)

Because I saw that painting at June's. You know if it involves you, I don't miss things. It's why I caught you in the first place. That same bit of painting falls burning right in front of me and you know exactly what I'll think, because sometimes you take the faith I have in you and use it to your advantage.

[ the bit of hysterical teenager that colors neal's words just finally makes a part of peter snap and without missing a beat he ends up grabbing neal's arm. ]

And you didn't know anyone else was stealing them. [ didn't know mozzie was stealing them— except there had to be some way he knew. even if the memory said he didn't mozzie wouldn't just steal it without neal knowing something. ]

Calm down before you answer. [ because neal panicking makes the physical reactions fall a bit on peter and he would like them to stop. ]

Edited 2013-11-03 20:03 (UTC)

[ the faint hand tremors are a lost cause, but neal jams his hands into his pockets and balls them into fists, concentrating on his breathing. ]

I got a note after, telling me to go somewhere and it was all there. I didn't know who did it then, Peter, I'll swear on anything you want. You have to believe me, I didn't set you up that day.

[ because peter killed a man for him, shot adler in the back and neal needs him to know he understands what that took, that he didn't turn around and make a mockery of the weight peter took on ( taking a man's life, and he understands now what that cost him ) to save his life. ]

[ peter can feel phantom nails digging into his palm and it stings enough to make his teeth clench just slightly. but that sting is more steadying than most of the breaths he's tried to take. a bit dirt for the rock to embed himself in, so to speak. ]

Don't make a promise you can't keep, I'll come up with something you don't want to swear on. [ a pause. ] You didn't set me up because you knew what that would mean. What I would have done and had to do if you did.

[ peter killed a man for neal, and would do it again because if he hadn't neal would be dead. there's limits to what peter would do for neal, what codes of conduct he's set for himself that he'll break for neal, but they're limits that seem to dwindle the longer they associate with each other. the longer they're friends, the longer the're on— adler would have killed neal, so adler had to be shot first.

no questions. it's a weight peter will only bear for a few, and he hopes ( prays, but to what god ) that neal realizes it fully. that later on after all of this is said and done and the dramatics are put away that neal realizes what peter did for him and that it's something special. ]

Get in here. [ they're not having any more of this argument in a doorway, of course, but perhaps even more importantly, it's letting neal into where he had been blocking until he heard that. ]

[ he doesn't bother answering until he's inside, because peter's words remind him he's right: this isn't a conversation neal wants to have in the corridor. it isn't a conversation he wants to have at all, but needs tend to overwhelm his desire for comfort when it comes to peter. ]

I said anything and I meant it— I didn't set you up because you aren't a mark. And fine, no, I absolutely don't want to go back to prison and you can't blame me for that and you know it, but it's not just selfish— you're my partner.

[ it's easier to breathe now, some invisible line in the sand erased by peter allowing him in; the panic fades back, allowing anger to take back some ground. ]

I don't lie to you, you know that. I may not always share the whole truth, but I don't lie to you. Not like that.

[ peter's right because peter's always right, isn't that what it comes down to? that peter knows exactly what needs to happen, except when he doesn't and all he can do is try and make sure neal's going where he thinks he should. he's silent until the door shuts behind neal and they're finally alone. ]

I can't, but you also know what it takes to not go back to prison. [ somewhere in there is a threat that peter doesn't even mean to make but can't entirely help himself from making. ] Partners trust each other. They tell each other these things. You had time to tell me that afterward. I have to wrench things out of you, Neal.

[ do you know what that feels like? ] Do I know that? Do I know that you won't lie to me like that? Because it's things like this that make me question you. You're my partner and I'd do so many things for you and I can't get you to be completely honest with me. I always have to ask if I'm getting an entire truth.

Edited (yeah grammar) 2013-11-09 05:06 (UTC)

[ now that the knowledge peter isn't disgusted with him is secure, his own anger rises to meet peter's, feeding off the shared indignation. ]

You're right, they do. You didn't trust me— you didn't even ask me, you just accused. How am I supposed to respond when you keep reminding me I'll never be anything more than a criminal in your eyes? You can't hold me to a double standard like that and expect me to sit quietly for it.

[ he shakes his head, swallowing hard against a rush of bitterness he's almost sure is his own, and not peter's. ]

You keep moving the line, Peter, and I don't know how to keep up anymore. Either I'm your partner or I'm a just another criminal, you need to choose.

Edited 2013-11-09 06:22 (UTC)

[ this is a time when the feedback loop is destructive, peter realizes this faintly, but it's almost as if the revelation doesn't matter when faced with neal's anger compounding his own. ]

Can you blame me? Just once, let's pretend you're not a sparkling unicorn who can do absolutely no wrong. Half the time when I give you an inch, and I turn my back, you've taken that inch and gone a mile when I ask you to just keep that inch and I'll give you more as time goes by. But you just want it right then and I'm supposed to not feel like an idiot who believed you were going to keep that inch and wait to get more.

[ there's this hurt feeling, like peter just genuinely feels like neal accusing him of holding him to a double standard is the worst thing the other man could say. ]

You're my partner who happens to be a criminal who's— I like to think, trying to reform himself. Who wants to maybe make it so me doing that doesn't have some basis in reality with how some of your actions can be when I have my back turned.

Either you trust me or you don't. And all I see is mounting evidence Moz is right, I'm fooling myself for believing I have a future with the FBI.

[ he can't tell if peter's hurt started in his own chest or just traveled across the link to settle there regardless, but it feels like that first moment after peter accused him again, before the anger set in— knowing for all their partnership is almost perfect ( even the fbi has to admit it, solve rates don't lie ) peter still looks at him and sees a criminal when neal's own ability to remember peter is... a suit, not to put too fine a point on it, is compromised beyond repair. ]

You have this complicated set of rules I'm just supposed to know. You've never explained them, and whenever I cross one of those lines I don't know are there you punish me for it.

That Mozzie is right. I can't even get you to believe me over him and you want me to trust you or not. You didn't— I'm supposed to be the only one you trust and yet Mozzie is the one you belive. You don't want to have a future with the FBI. You want to go home, you don't want to go back to prison, but you really just hope by the end of all of this that I give you every reason to go back to crime.

[ he sounds jealous and he knows it, but there's something about how when keller was here he was special and important to neal. and how mozzie at home is always somehow able to get inside neal's head in ways peter can't. any of the work he does just gets undone by him. he's better than keller but— for all peter wants to believe neal can change, that neal can manage to stay on the path of the law that's good for him, the side of the law that means they can still be a team, he also has to face the facts.

there may come a time when neal crosses back over. he doesn't want to think there's going to be that time, but there's always that possibility that peter wishes wasn't there. ]

You think it's complicated? You think, we're not on cases, being honest with me, completely honest with me is complicated. That is all I want. I want to know that I can trust you not to do something illegal that has nothing to do with any case we're working on. I just want to know that I'm not beating my head against the wall thinking that you actually want to stay in New York and do something better with yourself than being a criminal.

I want it, Peter— I lied to Moz for you. I've never done that. He left, don't you get that? He left me, because I picked you and all you've done since then is remind me I'm not ever going to be more than a criminal to you.

[ mozzie was never, ever supposed to leave; he's the fixed point, has been since neal was an idiot kid fresh off keller's newly revealed ruthless streak and back to hustling street cons for spending cash. but he left because neal couldn't leave peter, and the rage and panic of that knowledge bubbles up fresh all over again. ]

I grew up not knowing my own name. Honesty is complicated, Peter, I don't know how it can't be.

I want to to be more than that. You— are more than that. You're a friend who is a reforming criminal. But it's only when I'm watching. I'm not around, you go to Keller, you go to Mozzie because you need what a replacement for me? And that's the closest you can get even knowing I hate Keller and knowing that I had how sometimes Mozzie can convince you to do things I don't like.

[ peter gets more frantic when he speaks, and he can't tell if that's because of their connection or just because he's that frustrated but either way it doesn't help. he wants to make it stop, make them both calm down, they need to and yet— they're spiraling out off of each other and peter's almost powerless to entirely stop it. ]

By going off my definition of it. It's— I've tried to show you things, Neal. I just— want you to— Honesty is telling me something even if it's going to make me angry and even if it's something I don't want to know because guess what? I want to hear the truth.

Then ask.

[ the words burst out of him like some kind of monster, angry and uncontrolled and desperate. ]

If you want truth, ask me. We're— you'll be able to tell if I'm lying, so you can know.

[ it's as inarticulate as neal gets, voice strident; it's either an attack or absolution, maybe both, and either way he's powerless to fight the urge. ]

[ the only reason peter doesn't back down, doesn't flinch from how neal's words come out uncontrolled like that is because it's neal. peter knows so many things about neal and while maybe he's concerned that something else ( something worse ) is going to follow after that, backing down won't do either of them any good. ]

Will I? Will you actually tell me the truth? I shouldn't have to be able to tell if you're lying.

[ you shouldn't think of lying to me. ]

i need another story, something to get off my chest.

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more stage two!

and i stumble in late. hello zo you're a saint for putting up with me.

the most resentful stage three in the world.

no one is happy with this turn of events: the thread

tl;dr the worst link ever

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let's call this like the 5th or 6th

6th tbqh.

dying ihu

who told you that you could do this!!!

you very literally you also in which neal can't take peter's disgust

well yes. but. details!!! and good lord i regret this decision.

yo-fucking-lo etc

we are never ever getting back together tbqh

wow fuck you tho this tag hdu

skips in post ep, what up.

screeeeeeeeaming

all we ever do is screeeeeeeeeeam

legit tho with these two lbr

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