ataraxionlogs | if it makes you less sad, i will die by your hand

Entry tags:

if it makes you less sad, i will die by your hand

CHARACTERS: Erik Lehnsherr (

swagneto), Raven Darkholme (

darkholme), Charles Xavier (

butwedonot), and Alex Summers (

doomhoops).
LOCATION: Various.
WARNINGS: some language, a lot of angst, and possibly violence with Alex.
SUMMARY: A compilation of three different logs featuring the X-cast, where Erik speaks to each of them individually about recent (and past) events over the upcoming few days.
NOTES: None.

No log text here, see separate comments. Will ping people as necessary for their logs.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Erik visits because its due time, about a month since the day Charles arrived and their situation compounded tenfold, from the difficulty that was splitting them apart, to the recent incidence that had separated them further. He had watched the outcome unfold, this time incapable of stopping them, and matters that could have been temporarily alleviated now made worse by actions he wasn’t responsible for. Not that Erik truly would concede to such a situation, the loss of control something he feared far more than anything else on the planet, almost up there with the jarring awareness that he had lost his friend, above all.

Abandoning the flight suit, Erik settled comfortably into a pair of slacks and a turtleneck, all too suddenly aware of its arrival in the lockers. He should have questioned it, but Erik’s thoughts were on the helmet he was prone to keeping with him, leaving it on the side table of his bedroom before slipping out of the room in near perfected silence. After spending every day in Charles’ company, this sudden emptiness had been jarring enough that he wasn’t sure if he should bother in the first place, try to push for a reconnection or perhaps firmly set them apart on opposing sides of the field. A field that seemed to have no place aboard the ship anymore. He dropped the helmet as a temporary peace between them, another favor for Charles as the count racked up even higher. There were times to settle score, but in this instance, Erik couldn't bring himself to feel concerned.

Charles' number, easily remembered from the day he picked up the man in the medbay, led him down to the fifth floor and it's not long before he finds the numbered door, a round of hesitation before a quick knock followed by "Charles." He's never been one to second guess himself, but their relationship has been strained long enough that he doesn't have much of a choice afforded to him. With the recent fall out with Alayne and Robb, and the formation of connections going southwards that he doesn't want to begin to think about, it leaves Erik with little to no choice but to start at the beginning and repair his first friendship.

While he is sure he feels Erik, he's also sure he's felt him a dozen times before back home in Westchester, and was wrong. It's hard to cope with someone who had become such an integral part of your life suddenly being gone. While he did have his other students' the loss of Erik and Raven had hit him hard. The loss of much of himself had happened that day, between them and the bullet. Between Erik and the coin. It was hard to process for the longest time because he had pushed it away-- turned off of the emotions in favor of trying to heal. In the hopes he could recover, things that never happened fully. Things still fresh in his mind as he arrived here and found himself aboard a ship which forced them together again; left him with Erik still jaded and Raven with amnesia for her own departure.

He doesn't reject him now, though he might have earlier in the month, having enough time to compose himself and get used to their new... habitat. He hated to fall in line with previous ideals, hated to call it captivity even if he could admit that it felt like that. Hated that he had been here so long and yet nothing had been done about their predicament. Hated being stuck anywhere-- he had people to care for back home, things he needed to do. Still, he knew by now that he needed to take things in stride.

"Come in." He chirps politely from his chair, he had been arranging things in his room now that he realized he had to be settled here for some time. Fortunately he was provided with a few more creature comforts from home; his better chair, some books, clothing-- all of which had been put away and out of sight. His chess set and scotch assembled much like it used to be on the table, looking untouched with the exception of a pawn shifted into place and a book left to the side of it. He had been, most likely, playing against himself. It wasn't often one would find someone as interested in the game as he was anyway-- besides without an opponent he could play without thought, allow himself the freedom from memories. "Erik?" He pauses to look him over, the absence of the helmet noted-- but not commented on. Not really, but the little flicker of a smile on his lips makes him a bit more transparent than he'd like.

There's not a lot Erik has to say, at least not immediately when he settles himself into the room, keeping close to the door in case Charles demands he make an exit as soon as possible. He doubts the other man will, but the thought doesn't escape him when they're on shaky grounds and Erik doesn't know where to begin to handle things. It's the chess board Erik focuses on, the single piece moved, and he notes it because it's always been Charles' opening moves the first few times they'd play together. His own playing, erratic and occasionally aggressive as it was, had been something Charles picked up on immediately and it's a hallmark to their understanding of each other that Charles knows Erik on an intimate level to recall their moves.

Part of him wants to sit down and play again, shrug off the incidences of the past and begin anew, but even he knows Charles won't allow him that, and Erik's own consciousness won't allow him to completely abandon the past, a significant part of him as it is now. Everything matters to him, from the way they fell apart, no longer the old friends they'd swore they'd be, to Erik's actions on board the ship splitting them apart. The lack of emotions Erik keeps wavers slightly, but other than that Erik keeps himself concealed from the rest.

Apologies mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, and Erik won't press for them now, when he doesn't need to try and say anything to earn Charles' approval. He wants it though, as much as Erik wants them to be friends again, but he was above begging in the first place, and such a thing is unlikely to occur. "Has Alex been by?" They've distanced themselves from each other, and Erik can't blame the other mutant either, knowing how fiercely loyal he was to Charles from the start, knowing that Erik had been some sort of mentor that could no longer accept his place back into the fold. But maybe they could start from here, and just maybe Erik could keep a shred of optimism he rarely allows himself.

[ Raven's absence hurts the most, where not even Charles can compare to the amount of hurt Erik has put himself through, missing out on her coming out, on her appreciation of who she is, and Erik doesn't quite know how to handle the gap he's convinced he's put himself through. At this point, Charles's abandonment of him, the flat out rejection from both him and Alex simply stings, and he comes to a single sort of conclusion, one Erik rarely allows himself, narrow minded as he is, that perhaps Raven is the only person he can trust at this point.

Robb had called him out, and Erik could tolerate that, it was his family that abandoned him. Where Robb had a near army on his side, Erik had been left alone, a handful of people he could speak to, count on, but he was truly alone. Late night walks, which he hadn't taken since the first few weeks at Charles' and Raven's home, had found him in front of the familiar numbers he caught on Raven's arm a previous time, six digits he never forget, never would forget because they are now a part of her as much as they were a part of himself.

He'd keep the emotions at the door, every intention to hold a normal conversation with Raven his intention for the night, but the single text to her, letting the younger mutant know he'd be dropping by, and the rap against her bedroom door, and Erik could feel those walls he kept around himself falling apart if she didn't let him in. ]

... Raven.

[ Raven's worried, of course she is. This is all so crazy, everything that's be going on, and the fact that one of those demons got to Erik, hurt him... It's one thing to pretend to not be phased by the darker things that happen on the ship, and she's done a pretty good job of not getting involved so far, but it's cut too close to home this time. Because he is home; after she was here for so long on her own, having Erik with her made her feel more centered, like herself, than she had in a long time. And with how tense things are with Charles...

Yeah, she's been worried about Erik.

So when he sends her a message saying he's headed her way, she's quick to get back to her room, trying hard to clear her head so she can really be there for him, if that's what he needs. But Raven doesn't know exactly how he's handling this, or how he usually handles these kinds of situations at all. She's still learning those parts of him, when he actually lets her in and shows her, and while that leaves her feeling a little tense with anticipation, it's not exactly a bad feeling.

Because she wants to learn, wants to be able to read him so she knows how to be there for him, and it's all very sudden, but the fact that he was just possessed by a demon sort of throws things into prospective. On some level, they need each other. Whatever that means. ]

Just a sec!

[ Raven rolls off her bed and walks over to hit the door panel, clear concern on her features once she takes in his appearance, though she takes a step back to let him in, leaving space between them. ]

C'mon in.

[ Their conversations are difficult at best, however much it's apparent that both of them need the connection from each other. For Erik, it's relying on the only person he can trust, when Charles' relationship with him is broken at best, and Alex has made his stance known to Erik right off the bat. Raven is the only person he can rely on by now, and he doesn't mask the round of concern that laces his own face for once. At the end of the day it comes down to Erik needing to fall back, assess his own situation and make sure he knows where things lie. It always comes down to a strategic retreat, even for a man independent as he is.

Slipping into the cramped bedroom, Erik is silent save for a slight nod in her direction before glancing around at her belongings. His own was bare enough that Erik could easily move away as needed, but that's a matter for later. Settling himself into a corner, arms crossed defensively, he waits till she's comfortable enough and the door is closed before he speaks up. ]

You've heard the story already. [ It's not a question, but a clarification, because everyone has heard that he's responsible for injuring Alayne. ] For the record, I don't regret my actions.

[ Raven gets comfortable on the bed just the same as she was before he knocked, eyes trained on Erik with the kind of worried gaze she would usually scold Charles for giving her after she's had a bad day. She wants to tell him to knock it off ( come here, sit by me ) but that's her way, not his. That much she knows. She sighs, because she knows she shouldn't be thinking this much right now; she's just comforting a friend, which should be very simple, but. It's not.

I don't regret my actions makes her look away, eyes narrowing as her brow furrows.]

You shouldn't, because they weren't your actions. Unless I've missed part of the story? Did you even have any control over your actions at the time?

[ She exhales sharply right after she says it, again suddenly hit with the fear of what happened to him. ]

[ If Erik was any sort of person capable of relaxing easily, he would have sat by her. But as it stood, with the amount of things weighing on him recently, having some weight lifted off of him was near impossible, not with fully making amends, atoning for it in Erik's own twisted manner. He doesn't meet her gaze, pale eyes fixed on his boots, one overlapping the other as he considers he words.

It's complicated, Erik told her earlier, and it still is. Because in his own mind, the way he handles things are not the way everyone else does, and what everyone else is likely to shrug off, he's willing to keep to himself, turning it around, tossing it in his mind until it's nothing more than a part of him. ]

I didn't. [ There's a bit of regret to Erik's words there, painful as it is to admit that he lost control for once in his life. ] I could -- [ He pauses, and it's clear enough Erik is struggling, however distant he appears right now, standing off to the side, away from her. Folded in on himself, it stings regardless. ] I could see all of it happening, and I couldn't stop it in the slightest.

[ Her chest tightens with the confirmation of that fear, and it's weird feeling scared of a problem that's already passed, but she can't help it. Because maybe she could have done something to prevent it, or help him fight and gain control again, something, but she wasn't there. And now it's done, but it's not, not really, not when Erik looks so distant and distracted by everything that happened to him.

She slides off her bed and steps towards him in one fluid motion, hesitating only for a second before she's reaching for his wrists and tugging him forward, a quick motion, just to get him away from the wall. Just so she can wrap her arms around his middle and hug him tight. It wasn't rushed, but she did make a point to do all of it quickly, not wanting to give him the chance to reject the gesture, close in on himself even more. He doesn't have to hug her back, as far as she's concerned, but she is holding onto him tightly, hands pressed flat against his back and her cheek against his chest. ]

It's alright now, though. [ Reassurances he might not want, but she'll give them anyway. ] It wasn't your fault, people will have to see that.

[ That's his issue, he doesn't quite know how to respond to any of this, from the deeds he did to Raven suddenly moving. He's been around both Raven and Charles long enough to not react instinctively around them as he would with others, offering only the slightest bit of resistance, hands pressed to her waist. Intending on pushing her away, he stills, frowning at the moment.

Since his mother, Erik hadn't openly embraced anyone like this, the exception being the kiss he offered Raven earlier, and clutching Charles on the beach like a lost friend, like a sibling. ] You sound like my mother. [ He said softly, dipping down to press his face to the top of her head. Erik wants to accept her support and unconditional belief that Erik had done no wrong, but at the end of the day, it came down to Erik's hand being responsible for the damage, and whether or not it was his consciousness, he couldn't deny that much. ]

Not everyone on the ship is as forgiving as you are, Raven. They'll see it like I do, that it's my hand that caused the entire situation, not the mind controlling it.

[ He makes no intention to move away as it is, leaving her to fulfill her embrace for the time being, drawing a hand up to thread through her hair. It's strange, despite everything, that Erik has her unconditional support, presumably the only person to carry his support throughout everything that has happened so far, and he isn't about to push her away. ]

Your mother was obviously a brilliant woman.

[ Her voice is quieter, and she's flattered by the comparison, more than she likely should be since he's comparing her to his mother. But she knows, on some level, how much she meant to him, so it's flattery just the same. It takes a good amount of time before she pulls back just a little bit, enough to actually look at him, hands resting on his chest. ]

They don't have to forgive you. But they can't hurt you either, they can't expect you to take the hit for it. I won't-- You can't just let them take this out on you. Promise me you won't.

[ Laughing softly, Erik tilts his head downwards to catch her face, offering her a slight smile. ] I think I’m better than rolling over to their demands.

[ As she probably knows, Erik never did listen to anyone but Charles in the first place, stubborn as he could be from time to time. No one’s ever hurt Erik before, aside from Shaw, aside from Charles for rejecting him overall, but he’s stronger than most, refusing to let anyone blame him for something he doesn’t do. Her words remind him of that much, that despite how much he blames himself for being weak in the first place, he refuses to be weak to everyone else on the board. One entity was one thing; Erik didn’t need the ship manipulating him entirely.

But it’s the mention of his mother that has Erik wanting to shift topics. He’s never spoken to her before, and this time is no different. Raven’s words help, and Erik is still capable of keeping himself composed, rather than becoming the kind of man who can fall weak at the mention of her. ]

We should sit. [ He gives her hand a light squeeze before moving over to the bed, taking a seat on the edge, watching her. ]

I don't do well with emotions, [ that's what Erik had said. Which is fine by Aberdeen since, truth be told, she doesn't really either. Reason number one why she keeps the company she does, 'the company she does' meaning (a) misfits, maladjusts, and the inarguably brilliant or (b) nobody at all. (The exception to this rule: Dundee. Who, by rights, is the exception to all of Aberdeen's rules. But the existence of an anomaly doesn't negate the rest of the curve. No, it exists as an outlier, as proof of data or circumstance that is difficult — oftentimes, near impossible — to recreate. So perhaps, upon reflection, he is not an exception to the rule. Dundee is his own rule; one that overrides the rest.)

Aberdeen isn't thinking about Dundee when she finds herself in front of Erik's door thirty minutes later. In truth, this is due to a very focused effort on her part because there's very little that Aberdeen does in life that doesn't somehow double back to him one way or another (a reminder, a reason, not regret but a miscalculation) but Erik had said no strings and Dundee is a string (albeit one that binds Aberdeen to herself, not her to any other person).

Her knock is a short clip on the door, her hand swiftly disappearing into the pocket of her leather jacket as she hunches. Her expectations are transactional and, above everything, matter-of-fact. He doesn't do well with emotions and neither does she.

Like attracts like. ]

[ He anticipated her arrival and she delivers in near perfect form; leaving Erik with little chance to even escape or second guess himself. Charles had been the reign on emotions Erik needed, but Charles himself had severed their connection, and he was left trying to pick up the pieces. Emotions were a waste as far as he considered, especially now, when reforming bridges took more effort than burning them down.

Letting her in, Erik makes no move to speak, except the barest nod of acknowledgement. He's still dressed completely, despite the request she had asked, but other than that doesn't seem to feign interest in actually going ahead with it. She had offered, Erik agreed, but even then it comes down to Erik still needing a reason sometimes, or just someone to speak to. Moving over to sit on the bed, Aberdeen is all but offered free reign of the situation in the meantime. ]

Do you do this regularly?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

if it makes you less sad, i will die by your hand

Charles | 4/29-4/30

no subject

no subject

Raven | 4/30 [Evening]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

ABERDEEN | 05/01

no subject