ataraxionlogs | ( mostly closed ) when we were young the future was so bright

[Edgeworth's hands clench into fists. With the panic gone, the anger has room to return - and he can't help but be angry at this renewed accusation of attempted murder, over and over again, a damned broken record. Snape is either trying to provoke him or is mad and delusional; Edgeworth is all but certain it's the former, given what he knows of him.

His answer is short - shorter for the offense and anger he's feeling.]

You don't know me. Don't pretend you do.

I am not pretending to know you. I am reacting to the information you are giving me and the way you are behaving. If you would like me to react in some other way, give me something different to react to.

[ By now, the dark circles that exist permanently beneath Severus's eyes have settled into something more pronounced, the effect of the concussion seeping through him, broken blood vessels inside his head.

At least he's still conscious and talking - he's going to have an awful time of it for the next few days, but there won't be any permanent damage. ]

Stop making it about me. Use me, if you have to, if you hate me so much. You used me as cannon fodder instead of someone you value. Embrace it, now, and get help before it gets worse.

Cannon fodder? It was a defensive reaction when you attacked -

[He clenches his jaw on his protests. He knows exactly what it will turn into, once again, if Edgeworth argues that point - yet another cycle of the man claiming victimhood, claiming that Edgeworth had intended to murder him, as though it hadn't been a circle of unfortunate actions and reactions that Snape had ended with shocking finality. Unconsciously, Edgeworth's hand comes up to rub at his arm, a faint mental echo of that pain rippling down the network of nerves leading to his fingers.]

I do not hate you, Mr. Snape. That would take far more energy than I'm willing to expend upon you. Kindly do me a favor in return and expend no more energy upon me.

I don't believe for a moment that you've any real desire to keep people safe.

It's Professor. And go ask Black who got him off Arima, later.

[ Asshole. Severus looks at him impassively. Edgeworth can go ahead and lie to himself and have all the tantrums he wants, but this encounter is on him. It's even on record on the network that the lawyer brought him here, that Severus asked repeatedly why, that the other man was evasive. There's no loophole out of it. Severus should not have reacted the way he did, not at all, but his poor actions do not erase Edgeworth's, and Severus didn't start it. ]

You're expending an absolutely ridiculous amount of energy on me. Get help, Edgeworth. You're going to hurt someone. You're going to let what Morgoth did to you hurt more people through you.

Again, sir, you don't know me.

[Manfred von Karma had tried to make him into a tool for hurting others; he had refused to become that. Those men wouldn't succeed, either. He is stronger than that, and better than that, and...

God, he feels ill. He wants to be sick in the corner. He just can't take this - can't take any of it, can't take Snape, can't take Snape's relentless attacks. He's tired. He's so goddamned tired, and he feels so alone.]

And I don't trust your intentions, nor those of any of your allies.

You can keep saying that all you like.

[ But his words mean absolute fuckall compared to what he's doing. Severus is not saying he knows Edgeworth, he's reading the signs and - as he said - if he wants a different reaction, he's going to have to put out different data. ]

You don't trust me, no, that is obvious. But you also suspect something about what I'm saying, intent notwithstanding, is correct. Because you are still here arguing with me, desperately hoping for something egregious enough to warrant leaving and writing me off with finality.

[ That kind of statement isn't superimposing his own will over the other man's, it's provocative of what Edgeworth's behavior is displaying. It's entirely possible he's wrong, but it really, really doesn't look like it. ]

I am not asking you to trust me. I am telling you to trust your own desire to be free of the things that are drowning you.

[Is that true? Yes, comes the answer, instantly and unambiguously. He is terrified of what he's done, and terrified of what he might do; he is afraid, always, of his potential for harm. The day after he'd gotten this power - a year and a half ago already - he'd come to Sirius and asked him to watch him; he'd asked to be killed if he became corrupted, or cruel, or if he began to misuse it. It is easy - beyond easy - to buy into this narrative of being a destructive force.

Still, Edgeworth is sardonic when he asks:]

I didn't know your professorship was in armchair psychology.

I do not have allies, or friends. [ This goes back to something Edgeworth said a moment ago - that he doesn't trust anyone Severus is aligned with, either. He's got a point, go with it for a second. ] Here, just as at home, I have people who are willing to put up with me because I am useful. Because no matter what I am capable of, I am above all capable of making choices. And if I'm a prick or a hateful bastard or someone whom you consider evil, I'm still choosing to sit here with you right now.

[ Call it armchair psychology or responsibility or being a sucker. Whatever. Here he is. Edgeworth gets a Death Eater for space Christmas. Severus is an instrument - he is knowledgeable to a terrifying degree about the dark arts and poor choices and the winding, sinking path downwards to hell. He is used by better people to combat those things he knows so intimately. Take it from an expert, Miles, you're not going to get more insightful help. ]

Edited 2014-05-20 21:12 (UTC)

[And Edgeworth's response is clipped.]

And why are you choosing to do that?

Because that's what I do.

[ Why is this so difficult for people to understand. Good is not nice. Evil is not cruel. The world is not set up like that. Voldemort was kinder to him than anyone, but Severus as it turns out isn't actually cool with genocide, among other things. ]

My dislike for Sirius Black is not powerful enough to get me to stop being the person that I am. My irritation at you for pulling this stunt is not powerful enough to prompt me to leave. I am not so easily thrown over that way as I am physically.

Edited 2014-05-20 21:25 (UTC)

[But Edgeworth shakes his head. And he says:]

When I was a child -

[And he intends that to sound devastating; the impact of the would-be insult, however, is rather lessened by his boyish features, his youthful brow - his immature outlook, frankly. Edgeworth hasn't thought of himself as such for a good decade, but he's still very much a boy, in appearance and demeanor and naivete.]

I thought myself a tool as well. But I would not put myself in anyone's hands for any purpose. Why would you want to help me?

Because you are a danger to yourself and others. We have been over this.

[ REPEATEDLY, AT THIS POINT, EDGEWORTH. ] I don't care about your childhood and I don't care about your feelings, I care about whether or not people live or die. I do not have to be tenderhearted or sentimental to be purposeful.

[ Once again: ] Stop. Trying. To make this about me.

[And, with pointed, acid tones:]

And why. Do you care. About myself and others.

Because I'm a human being capable of basic emotion.

[ Like. What?? What's going on, at this point. Really, dude. 'Because I'm not a sociopath' seems to be the answer he wants, and what the hell. ]

Are you this stupid? Are you looking for some kind of sob story relating to whatever utter nonsense Black's told you about schoolyard grudges? Stop being a child about it.

I am not being a child. I'm questioning your motives.

[He looks away again.]

I've a difficult time believing the motives of torturers, you understand.

No, you have a difficult time not having a stroppy fit whenever I'm making a blatantly obvious assumption about you, but are perfectly fine bandying about things like 'torturer' at me because I did something to you that hurt after you gave me a concussion. Come off it. You're embarrassing yourself.

[ Is this guy for real. How do you even function on a daily basis, Edgeworth, without imploding. For somebody like Severus to wonder, it's bad. ]

I was simply taken a bit aback by how instinctive your use of that spell was.

What spell? Did you hear an incantation? Are you a wizard? Do you have any idea what you're talking about, do you have any authority on the matter besides what an angry teenager has told you about our world? An angry teenager who, by the way, is a grown man in prison for treason and the murder of twelve people when I'm from, an angry teenager whose best friend nearly beat him to death with his bare hands at the jump, an angry teenager who is only alive right now because I pulled Lupin off of him.

[ Surprise. That's what happened to somebody's face. ]

Shut your ignorant mouth about my business. You don't know anything. And because he's still a child, neither does Black. And none of it has any bearing over what's happening here - besides, I suppose, the thanks I get for taking it on faith that Black isn't actually a murderer is you coming down here after me. Thank you so much, I will keep this all in immediate mind the next time I prevent someone's death.

[That gets a more genuine reaction out of him - not cool, not mocking, not cold. There's just spirit in defense of his friend.]

He's not a murderer. The charges against him are false.

[He raises his chin.]

An older version of Lupin was on this ship, long before you showed up, and made it clear that the charges were false.

Did you hear anything I just said?

[ Because he just said he's taking it on faith that Sirius isn't a murderer and even stopped Remus from killing him over it. What the hell is Edgeworth being defensive about. ]

I'm beginning to believe that the reason you're incapable of having an intelligent conversation with me or accepting that I have any kind of emotional or motivational range beyond 'press button A for storybook villainy' is because you aren't capable of anything beyond one idiotic, apparently cognitively diminished gear. You'd think I wasn't the one here with the bloody concussion.

[Edgeworth's lips thin impatiently. These insults don't land, don't have any effect on him; they just make him impatient.]

Yes, well done, sir, you certainly can waste a great deal of breath on pointless insults. I am telling you you don't have to take it on faith. I've heard direct testimony from someone whose mind was changed regarding Black's guilt. I'd have thought that would perhaps be interesting to you.

Why? Do you think I'm not aware of the business of my own world? Do you think it's going to make me forget that you're trying to deflect, once again, what you've done? You're flailing blindly around for a way to intimidate me because you think I've done something damning, but you're using information from an unreliable source that continues to irrationally loathe me despite the fact that I'm actively acting in his interests, something that he is well aware of. Meanwhile, you still are suffering from being tortured by an ancient evil, and you still are having fits in which you're using extremely destructive powers without your own awareness.

[ Incredulously, ] Are you really a lawyer?

[And that last comment did what all the dire emotional challenges could not. Edgeworth can deal with harsh truths from Snape; he can deal with blistering attacks against his morality. The pettiness, however, just makes him shake his head and turn away, going for the door once again.]

I'm done here. I'll send medical help to you.

Good to know your professional ego is more valuable to you than whether or not you're a killer. I'll be gone by the time anyone gets here, and I'll be informing Xavier of all of this. Expect to be contacted.

[ I said good day sir etc. ]

[His jaw clenches.]

Don't waste his time or mine. I told you that I do not trust any ally of yours.

[But, more importantly - ]

Come with me, in that case.

( mostly closed ) when we were young the future was so bright

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