ataraxionlogs | ( mostly closed ) when we were young the future was so bright

[His fists clench hard enough that his knuckles whiten. His voice is raw.]

Yes, I am. You don't even know what I'm talking about; what place is it of yours to contradict me?

The place of someone who is fortunately skilled enough to have survived what you just did. Something not everyone on this ship can say the same of.

[ And for good reason, as fewer mages capable of incredibly dark magic being around is for the best, but the point remains. ]

You are not managing.

Skilled enough to have survived what I just did?

[His laugh is unnatural; it would be unnatural at the best of times, since he's someone not given to laughter, but it's worse now.]

Yes, what marvelous skill you showed, miraculously surviving being pushed about.

[And then mirth drops away, as he bites out:]

I've never killed anyone, and I'm managing fine.

If you think that's being pushed about, you're not only not managing but you're delusional, incapable of judging your own power, and an active danger to everyone on this ship, including myself. You have no idea if you've never killed anyone if you are blacking out.

[ No, in fact, he will not be letting this go. Not now, and not in the future. He's already reevaluating his determination to go tell Tyke; in its place is the determination to tell Xavier, and immediately, because this is something that needs to be handled.

Just like Severus put saving Sirius on Arima above his own admittedly fierce and unbelievably petty feelings, he is going to put making sure Edgeworth isn't about to have a fit and slaughter someone with telekinesis by accident above everything else happening right now. This is just the kind of workaholic asshole triple agent he is. ]

[That, though - that touches something deep in Edgeworth, something that goes far deeper than his fear and guilt about what happened on that space station. It touches a much older, more primal fear. And the reaction is harsher, too, stronger - he pales, and twists to look at Snape, and spits - ]

Go to hell. You - I'm not really given to trust the words and judgments of sadists and torturers. So you can - Go to hell.

Stop trying to turn this into being about me and the opinion of me someone who didn't like me in school has, [ he says, unperturbed. Severus really doesn't give a damn what Edgeworth thinks of him, because it's completely ridiculous and not worth arguing about, since the man clearly has some kind of overblown emotional connection to it. ] You're the one who got me down here and tried to kill me, stop flinging words around like that as though you've got any notion of their meaning in the real world. You want your self-righteous morality to cling to? Deal with your problems.

Go on, tell me you've never done worse than this to someone. Assure me. Prove it, despite the fact that you can't remember.

I - I don't -

[He hasn't. The most brutal action with any sort of malice aforethought he's ever committed was cutting the jaw muscles of a manticore to free a girl from its deadly bite, and that caused him guilt for months after; the worst damage he's done to anyone without intending it has been this, knocking someone into a wall.

But Miles Edgeworth spent a childhood believing that he killed his own father and was unable to remember; he spent a childhood, too, having his adoptive father suggesting that lie to him and reinforcing it in his mind. It's been less than a year since he found out that was a lie, and he still hasn't wholly convinced himself of the truth of it. And so Snape's accusations - baseless, truly - land with far too much sting. He didn't try to kill Snape, and he hasn't hurt anyone, and indeed after that curse that was flung at him his hatred goes far deeper than mere solidarity with Sirius - and he knows the accusations are untrue -

Yet the words tear at him. He reaches up and buries his face in his hands. His breathing is shallow; he's clearly on the brink of a panic attack. He chokes out - ]

Stop it -

[ From Severus's perspective, these accusations are far from baseless. What just happened may be a fluke, but it was a pretty drastic fluke, and he has no way of knowing what else has gone on or what can go on in the future. Edgeworth's reactions are just making it look worse. The other man can trot out all the mean nasty words he wants against Severus, but Severus is at least aware of the things he does. ]

Sit down already.

[ You're going to hurt yourself, you loon. ]

You are in no danger from me unless you attack me again, I'm not going to do anything.

I'm not -

[But a few sharp words aren't enough to interrupt his attack of nerves. Edgeworth is stubborn and stalwart in most situations - brave, level-headed, able to absorb attacks fairly impartially. But he has some gaping vulnerabilities, and Snape just hammered hard away at one of the worst of them.

And so he mumbles, miserably - ]

I'm - sorry.

[Even though he doesn't wholly know what he's apologizing for or why. It might be simply out of shame - because overlaying all of this, the panic and the fear and the hatred, is humiliation; he is humiliated to be this undone in front of anyone, especially a man like this.]

[ Oh for Merlin's antichrist sake what the blood-soaked-Protestant-hell is happening now. It takes not insignificant self control for Severus not to drop his head down into his hands out of exasperation - mostly, he knows that'll hurt a lot to do.

With someone else he might attempt to use is I'm Speaking To A Frightened First Year voice and coax cooperation out of them, but he thinks Edgeworth is probably past that point already, and he also thinks that if he physically approaches the man, he's going to get attacked again. ]

Tell me who I can ring to come sit with you right now.

[There's at least a slight ghost of his previous fierce spirit when he snaps:]

No one.

[He's not about to allow anyone else to be privy to this humiliation. He's spent years managing panic attacks by himself; he has spent years hiding his weakness; he's not about to let someone he respects see him like this. So he forces himself to take deep breaths, forces himself to swallow, closes his eyes and thinks about serene things. Thinks about his dog, and playing with her, and her good spirits and joy.

When he opens his eyes again, he's still rattled and shaken, but at least he's not babbling incoherently. His voice is creaky and unsteady, but his words are firm.]

I have never killed anyone. I will never kill anyone. Understood?

I understand that you desperately wish for that to be. And if that is true, if you value that truth at all, then you will accept help from someone.

[ The headache Severus has right now is pretty spectacular, both due to injury and dealing with this guy. Still, he persists. He realizes distantly that he could have left a dozen times by now and been justified in doing so, but this is ultimately what he does: he has to clean up after people who hate him, who'd rather see him hurt or dead. There are days when he is unbelievably bitter about it, but there are others when he proceeds, machinelike, along the path he's agreed to. Certainly, someone else would be better suited to handle this moment with this person, but there's no one else on hand, and Edgeworth won't cough up a suggestion. Severus is not yet desperate enough to call Sirius. ]

Do not cast this aside because of me. What if someone you actually have regard for accidentally angered or frightened you? You obviously care.

[He crosses his arms, keeps his face turned firmly away from Snape. His voice remains shaken and miserable, but he answers precisely.]

I spent five days down there on that colony with Melkor and Mairon. I could have used this power to cut their throats. I didn't.

[There's a bitterness to those words, and a growing bitterness when he continues, a miserable self-flagellation. He hasn't admitted this to anyone - hasn't even talked about his experiences down there with anyone. After all, if he confesses this to Sirius, or to Tyke, they'll lose respect for him. Or pity him.

So there's something liberating about talking with someone who hates him as easily as Snape hates him. It's not like there's anything to lose.

And so he smiles bitterly as he continues:]

If I can't even have the strength of will to take a life when it means saving the lives of innocent people, then I don't think it is precisely in the cards for me to take a life at all. Unless it's through cowardice and inaction - I'm quite proficient at killing by those means.

Edited 2014-05-20 17:52 (UTC)

[ This reveal isn't shocking. Being tortured by those two makes sense with how Edgeworth's reacting, and fits neatly into that odd catch he picked up on earlier. Severus isn't particularly moved, though - he's been through plenty and he's watched people go through worse and come out of it with more integrity intact. Part of him is calculating how to pick through this knot, but another part is thinking how much he really doesn't want to be this man's bloody therapist. Seems that ship has sailed, though. ]

All you're telling me is that you're unstable enough with use of your ability that you'll sit through all of that and do nothing, but when you have a fit at someone you don't like, attempting murder is fine. [ There's less heat to his words than there could be; Severus isn't cruel about it, but he isn't gentle. Pointing it out flatly and continuing to underline in an aggravating red teacher's pen where the error is. ] Xavier and I are the ones who subdued the scout left behind and sent the information to Thranduil, by the way.

[ Alright, noting that is petty. But it said Snape on the box, etc. (Severus did not appear in the feature film Morgoth & Sauron Do Arima, but made brief cameos in the prequel comic and post-credit teaser.) ]

I saw the wreckage that thing left on the colony. I saw what it did to people, and I've already had to attempt to put people back together from it. If that's why you're losing control, it's not going to get better until you deal with it. You'll get worse.

[Edgeworth's hands clench into fists. With the panic gone, the anger has room to return - and he can't help but be angry at this renewed accusation of attempted murder, over and over again, a damned broken record. Snape is either trying to provoke him or is mad and delusional; Edgeworth is all but certain it's the former, given what he knows of him.

His answer is short - shorter for the offense and anger he's feeling.]

You don't know me. Don't pretend you do.

I am not pretending to know you. I am reacting to the information you are giving me and the way you are behaving. If you would like me to react in some other way, give me something different to react to.

[ By now, the dark circles that exist permanently beneath Severus's eyes have settled into something more pronounced, the effect of the concussion seeping through him, broken blood vessels inside his head.

At least he's still conscious and talking - he's going to have an awful time of it for the next few days, but there won't be any permanent damage. ]

Stop making it about me. Use me, if you have to, if you hate me so much. You used me as cannon fodder instead of someone you value. Embrace it, now, and get help before it gets worse.

Cannon fodder? It was a defensive reaction when you attacked -

[He clenches his jaw on his protests. He knows exactly what it will turn into, once again, if Edgeworth argues that point - yet another cycle of the man claiming victimhood, claiming that Edgeworth had intended to murder him, as though it hadn't been a circle of unfortunate actions and reactions that Snape had ended with shocking finality. Unconsciously, Edgeworth's hand comes up to rub at his arm, a faint mental echo of that pain rippling down the network of nerves leading to his fingers.]

I do not hate you, Mr. Snape. That would take far more energy than I'm willing to expend upon you. Kindly do me a favor in return and expend no more energy upon me.

I don't believe for a moment that you've any real desire to keep people safe.

It's Professor. And go ask Black who got him off Arima, later.

[ Asshole. Severus looks at him impassively. Edgeworth can go ahead and lie to himself and have all the tantrums he wants, but this encounter is on him. It's even on record on the network that the lawyer brought him here, that Severus asked repeatedly why, that the other man was evasive. There's no loophole out of it. Severus should not have reacted the way he did, not at all, but his poor actions do not erase Edgeworth's, and Severus didn't start it. ]

You're expending an absolutely ridiculous amount of energy on me. Get help, Edgeworth. You're going to hurt someone. You're going to let what Morgoth did to you hurt more people through you.

Again, sir, you don't know me.

[Manfred von Karma had tried to make him into a tool for hurting others; he had refused to become that. Those men wouldn't succeed, either. He is stronger than that, and better than that, and...

God, he feels ill. He wants to be sick in the corner. He just can't take this - can't take any of it, can't take Snape, can't take Snape's relentless attacks. He's tired. He's so goddamned tired, and he feels so alone.]

And I don't trust your intentions, nor those of any of your allies.

You can keep saying that all you like.

[ But his words mean absolute fuckall compared to what he's doing. Severus is not saying he knows Edgeworth, he's reading the signs and - as he said - if he wants a different reaction, he's going to have to put out different data. ]

You don't trust me, no, that is obvious. But you also suspect something about what I'm saying, intent notwithstanding, is correct. Because you are still here arguing with me, desperately hoping for something egregious enough to warrant leaving and writing me off with finality.

[ That kind of statement isn't superimposing his own will over the other man's, it's provocative of what Edgeworth's behavior is displaying. It's entirely possible he's wrong, but it really, really doesn't look like it. ]

I am not asking you to trust me. I am telling you to trust your own desire to be free of the things that are drowning you.

[Is that true? Yes, comes the answer, instantly and unambiguously. He is terrified of what he's done, and terrified of what he might do; he is afraid, always, of his potential for harm. The day after he'd gotten this power - a year and a half ago already - he'd come to Sirius and asked him to watch him; he'd asked to be killed if he became corrupted, or cruel, or if he began to misuse it. It is easy - beyond easy - to buy into this narrative of being a destructive force.

Still, Edgeworth is sardonic when he asks:]

I didn't know your professorship was in armchair psychology.

I do not have allies, or friends. [ This goes back to something Edgeworth said a moment ago - that he doesn't trust anyone Severus is aligned with, either. He's got a point, go with it for a second. ] Here, just as at home, I have people who are willing to put up with me because I am useful. Because no matter what I am capable of, I am above all capable of making choices. And if I'm a prick or a hateful bastard or someone whom you consider evil, I'm still choosing to sit here with you right now.

[ Call it armchair psychology or responsibility or being a sucker. Whatever. Here he is. Edgeworth gets a Death Eater for space Christmas. Severus is an instrument - he is knowledgeable to a terrifying degree about the dark arts and poor choices and the winding, sinking path downwards to hell. He is used by better people to combat those things he knows so intimately. Take it from an expert, Miles, you're not going to get more insightful help. ]

Edited 2014-05-20 21:12 (UTC)

[And Edgeworth's response is clipped.]

And why are you choosing to do that?

Because that's what I do.

[ Why is this so difficult for people to understand. Good is not nice. Evil is not cruel. The world is not set up like that. Voldemort was kinder to him than anyone, but Severus as it turns out isn't actually cool with genocide, among other things. ]

My dislike for Sirius Black is not powerful enough to get me to stop being the person that I am. My irritation at you for pulling this stunt is not powerful enough to prompt me to leave. I am not so easily thrown over that way as I am physically.

Edited 2014-05-20 21:25 (UTC)

[But Edgeworth shakes his head. And he says:]

When I was a child -

[And he intends that to sound devastating; the impact of the would-be insult, however, is rather lessened by his boyish features, his youthful brow - his immature outlook, frankly. Edgeworth hasn't thought of himself as such for a good decade, but he's still very much a boy, in appearance and demeanor and naivete.]

I thought myself a tool as well. But I would not put myself in anyone's hands for any purpose. Why would you want to help me?

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