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[clarke knew she couldn't keep avoiding raven forever. the majority of last month especially after the incident where both raven and finn ended up in the brig, clarke had been doing her best to give raven her space because of how the fact it happened at was all because of her and what she had done.

she never went to visit her in the brig, mostly delegated any interaction with her if she could help it even if she was worried because while bellamy had told her what happened, it wasn't the same as experiencing it herself. it's not like she could explain or apologize to raven at all even if she had tried last month but either way she was fully expecting raven to hate her, still be angry and want nothing to do with her.

this jump made everything that much more clear for her now and between experiencing recent events back home, finding out charlotte was here now and also finn was gone and nowhere to found on the ship was more than a little overwhelming for clarke. it took her a couple of days before she decided that she should go check in on raven instead of putting this off any longer and the first place she decides to check is the engineering department. with much time raven spends there now that she was in charge of it, clarke figured that would be her best bet to find her at least. it's been a while since she has ventured over there but when she does arrives she starts to look around. she doesn't see her yet so she calls out her name in efforts to maybe get her attention] Raven?

Edited 2015-02-15 02:03 (UTC)

[ raven doesn't have to answer. honestly, she's got half a mind to leave clarke out there - everyone's favorite homicidal princess would probably give up long before the next shift's engineers show up and realize she needs past the department-locked doors into engineering proper.

but she realizes, with a grudging exhale through her nose, that stranding clarke out there just plain isn't an option. so if clarke's still even remotely hanging around in about thirty seconds, an unobtrusive door slides open off to the right, and there's raven, leaning against the doorway looking equal parts wary and unimpressed. no hello, no anything. she's showing her face, and that's gonna have to be good enough. ]

[clarke heads closer to the doors and while she is aware they are locked to people in the department itself, that doesn't deter her in the least. she would have waited there for as long as she needed to because after weeks of deliberate avoidance, she wasn't going to just about to give up considering how long overdue this conversation was.

she waits patiently outside and when raven finally opens the doors, the lack of greeting and the look on her face makes it clear how raven still feels about her. clarke just wants to talk though even if the result is raven yelling at her or whatever else, it's something at least but another part of her is hoping that she is hoping raven will at least hear her out] Hey— I know I'm probably the last person you want to see but can we at least talk?

I would have sooner but last jump— my memories weren't quite the same as what the rest of you remembered. [she figures raven knows that part already though from talking to the others at least]

[ sure she would've. raven has no doubt clarke would've waited there all night if she had to. after all, that's what raven did when clarke escaped mt. weather. except in that case, she was waiting for a friend. in this case, clarke's waiting for the only surviving family of the guy she murdered.

despite that, raven listens to what clarke has to say - and as much as she wishes she could find that white-hot fury she held for clarke a month ago, it's died down by now to a dull ache and raven can't quite find it in her to fight. ]

I can't take a break, [ she says, but when she backs up out of the doorway, it's held open with a hand for clarke to follow her through. ]

[clarke was half expecting to be told to leave but then again if raven was going to do that, she wouldn't have opened the doors or even acknowledged her in the first place. she was still slightly surprised when raven steps back to allow her inside but with a nod she moves forward following behind her until they come to stop.

there was really no easy way to start this conversation, no matter which way she thought about it. she knew her words might not mean much since there was nothing about her actions she could change or even go back to fix but she still considered raven her friend even if it wasn't that quite as mutual lately, she still had to try so she starts off the only way she knows how] Bellamy told everything that happened last jump— what I did.

It wasn't until this one that it happened for me and— Raven, I'm so sorry. I didn't want it to have to come down to that but I had to. [there was no other way around it when her offer to trade places with finn was shot down by lexa. it something she learned the hard way from having prior knowledge of this while on this ship as things still happened exactly as she had been told]

[ by the time clarke's got her whole spiel out, raven's settled back into her chair at the consoles. clarke can keep on standing, or claim one of the various chairs in the general vicinity - it's not like anyone's coming back for them anytime soon.

and here and now, in the face of the apology, raven wants to find a way to be pissed off at a clarke who does know what she did instead of some innocent clueless clarke who just princess'd into this mess secondhand, but the fact stands that she pretty much wasted all her piss and hellfire in that first bout of explosive anger and the quiet seething over the weeks to follow.

so she swallows hard, jaw setting and brow furrowing as she shakes her head just barely. ] Stupid asshole did it to himself. [ it's how she's supposed to feel, she knows. that's the objective explanation behind it, but now that she's run out of steam over blaming clarke, the only one she's got left to blame is herself. ]

[clarke can't even manage to maintain looking at raven as she waits for a response but she does at least grab one of the chairs so she can sit down next to her.

she is still expecting some sort of anger because while raven did have time to cool down during the last month, the memories of what happened are still fresh in her mind and it haunted her that much more while on the ship. she looks up and when raven finally responds to her, clarke is speechless because instead of what she was expecting to hear, raven was blaming it on finn instead of her]

You don't blame me for it? [because clarke definitely blames herself for it. everything he did was because of her and she can't help but feel responsible because of how much his love for her changed him into someone that she didn't even recognize]

I'm still pissed at you, don't get me wrong. [ because when clarke says it like that, raven balks a little at letting her off the hook completely. the fact stands, though... ] You didn't ask him to do that. Any of it. Not much traction for holding a grudge.

[hearing that raven was still mad at her, she's almost grateful for it. it's not like she wants raven to be mad at her but she definitely feels like she deserves no sympathy for what she did at all or that she should be forgiven for it so easily. if she can't forgive herself then she can't expect that from raven.

she is quiet for a moment, just staring blankly in response as if lost in thought. clarke swallows hard, biting her lip a bit absently before she manages to find the words while trying to fight back her tears] It's— my fault though. Even if I didn't ask him to do any of that, it still happened because of me.

Which makes you reckless and kind of an idiot, but I'd say that's a hell of a lot better than being a murderer, wouldn't you? [ because clarke's not a murderer. raven wanted to believe she is, but then she'd have to believe finn was too. this is the lesser evil, as far as she can tell so far. ]

Yeah well I can't argue that— but you really don't think I am? A murderer, that is. [because she sure did feel like she was since she took finn's life. the blood on her hands that she felt she could never wash off or even forgive herself for]

[it's been just over a week since the jump, maybe longer but clarke isn't really keeping track at this point. it's hard to tell really and while she has been talking with people, forcing herself to act like she is totally fine and unphased by it all. whenever she has a moment to herself she has been locking herself up in her room, crying her eyes out just letting it all out when no one knows it.

no matter how much she is trying to let this not haunt her, it still does. she can barely manage to get sleep on most days especially with the constant nightmares and the guilt she finds herself facing every night. clarke has to will herself to move past every single day while she keeps that fact to herself. it wasn't just about finn but she's lost so many people she's cared about that subconsciously she can't help but wonder who is even next.

she trying to remind herself that she can't fall apart here, not when she has more important things to focus on and with people counting on her but the minute she learned that finn wasn't on the ship anymore, it got increasingly harder for her as the days pass by and sometimes it shows from how brief she keeps conversation or just deflects the subject onto anyone but herself. it's one of the many reasons she is just keeping to her room for a bit longer right now. she has her head buried in her pillow because it was just one of those days where she isn't sure how much longer she can physically keep this up]

[ He knows something's wrong with Clarke. He knew it from the first couple of minutes of conversation in the locker room, and the signs only became more glaringly obvious as their week wore on. He kept it to himself at first, pursed lips and a respectful distance to allow her time to grieve for Finn. Made all the worse, of course, because her damn boyfriend picked this jump to disappear on. Not to speak ill of the dead, but it has all of Finn's typical tact and timing even if he wasn't directly to blame.

Days pass, though, and Clarke shows little sign of improvement. It strikes Bellamy rather suddenly that with Raven alienated and Jasper so far behind, he's literally Clarke's closest friend.

...Which is something of a shock considering he's never really been that for anyone before, but he knows it means he has to be the one to step in and do something to take her mind off of things. He doesn't think to text, it slips his mind completely that he should probably pre-arrange this with her or something. Instead he shows up unannounced, knocking pretty firmly on her door.

Spoilers, it's not room service. ]

[being unable to sleep makes it's easy enough for clarke to hear the rather abrupt knock on the door. she still had her face pressed into her pillow, her hair slightly disheveled and while she was tempted to just ignore it and pretend she wasn't around, she knew it was one of her friends at the door. she didn't have too many of those lately but that narrowed it down to at least bellamy or possibly octavia.

clarke wasn't sure what the visit was for and she definitely wasn't expecting anyone given she hadn't received any texts about it but she assumes it's something urgent that couldn't wait. she looks terrible if she's being honest between the lack of sleep and crying she's been doing but she pushes herself out of bed while making an attempt to fix her appearance just enough to look like nothing is wrong. if she looks fine and tells herself she is fine, that totally makes it true right? it's practically become her mantra at this point even it doesn't seem to be helping her case much. she heads over to the door it's not long before it slides open when she unlocks it revealing bellamy standing on the other side. one of her guesses was correct at least but whatever this was about, she is quick and to the point with her response] Hey— did you need something?

[ Bellamy's eyes flicker over Clarke's face, her clothes, her hair, the way she carries herself. His lips purse together and turn down unhappily, and he announces: ]

You look terrible.

[ Rather than answering her question, he ops for a blunt observation. Which is pretty much what he expected anyway, and that's why he's here in the first place. With that established, he brushes past her to enter her room without an invitation. ]

[clarke is well aware how she looks right now given all attempts to hide that fact was a lost cause to begin with. she tries to shrug off his words but instead she responds by giving him a rather indignant look while he enters her room instead of answering her question mostly because she really wasn't up for discussing her current state right now] Yeah, alright— I look terrible, I get it.

So what did you come all this way for?

[ He looks around the room with keen interest, cataloguing Clarke's things, the way she has everything set up, then turns to face her again, hands settling on his hips. ]

You've been hiding out in here for days.

[ He informs her disapprovingly. ]

You've been doing nothing but... thinking. You need to get out, Clarke- out of your room and out of your head.

It hasn't been days— [she starts off immediately with arguing that point. she had been talking with people here and there since the jump, she even made the effort to confront raven a few days ago and of all things she is arguing over how many days it has been instead because even she can't deny that the rest of his words have a ring of truth to them.

she lets out a sigh, her hand brushing through hair in frustration. she knows he's right and that she needs to do something to get her mind off things but she has no idea how to even do that] But fine, what do you suggest then?

[ He frowns, considering their options, considering his answer, then starts toward the door again abruptly. ]

Come on. We're going out.

[ He declares, as though he's decided it without needing her permission. Accept it, Clarke, it's inevitable. ]

[clarke was waiting for his answer but when he just up and decides they are going out without so much as an explanation or even considering her opinion on the matter.

she just stares at first when he heads straight towards the door and while she could still continue arguing with him and demand a proper answer, she knows he probably won't drop it either so she gives in and follows along behind him, partially curious as to where he is taking her] Okay, so where are we going?

[ He leads the way as he's wont to do, striding with swift confidence like he just knows she's going to follow.

...And then he realizes he's supposed to be a friend here and not a leader, so he purses his lips and slows down until they're walking side by side. ]

Drinking. We're going to get you wasted, princess, and you're gonna talk about your-

[ He waves vaguely. ]

Feelings, or whatever.

[clarke easily falls in step along beside him when he slows down in pace. she turns to look at him, mild curiosity in her expression because where ever he was deciding on taking her, it had better be good or at least distracting enough to help.

the moment he finally answers her question though, she can't help but look surprised at his suggestion. it was probably the last thing she expected even more so since he was also suggesting that she talk about her feelings]

Drinking and talking about feelings, really? [she frowns at first but she is definitely not objecting to it either mostly because at this point she doesn't even care. maybe she could use a drink, just forget the pain associated with everything she had been feeling lately because that didn't sound so bad right then] Well maybe I could do with the first part.

Really.

[ He echoes her seriously, sparing her something of a surveying look. Gauging how well received the sentiment is, because admittedly while they've been good at being partners and leaders, they've always been a little awkward in the friends department.

But they are, aren't they?

He thinks so. He thinks Clarke might be his closest friend, and isn't that tragic? He leads them toward the end of the corridor, toward the bar on her floor. It's empty, abandoned, and he swings around the bar to grab a bottle of something that looks... brown, and not terrible. None of the labels are familiar to him, but it doesn't really matter anyway. He plucks up two glasses with the fingertips of his free hand, and snags them a booth in a private corner. Slides into one of the seats, and clunks a glass down in front of the booth opposite them.

Pours them each a hearty tumbler of whiskey. ]

[if the circumstances were different then she would have reacted a bit differently but as it was, she figured it was worth a try. back home there was barely any time to indulge in this sort of thing for long or to even grieve properly because there were always more pressing matters to deal in both protecting and leading their people.

being on this ship though, she had more time than she knew what to do with in comparison so the awkwardness was kind of inevitable for both of them with this whole friendship thing. it's something she realizes while they make their way towards the bar because between all her friends that she still has right now, bellamy is probably her closest one and while that doesn't come as too much of a surprise to her, it makes her appreciate the sentiment behind his actions at least.

clarke has admittedly never ventured into the bar prior to this though she has walked past it plenty of times before so this was a first for her. she follows along with bellamy when they enter inside and after he grabs something for them to drink and a booth for them to sit, she takes a seat as well watching as the pours the liquid into the both glasses. she's still quiet, not really saying much when she reaches for her glass, looking at it almost tentatively as she wonders if this will even work]

[ It'll work, he knows it'll work. It's a tried and true coping strategy that has been passed down for generations, and it's pretty much the only way he knows how to reach out to Clarke and... help or her deal with everything. Once both glasses are full, he sets the bottle to the side and settles back into the booth.

Brings the glass to his lips, and takes a hearty swallow. Just to get things going.

There's a beat of quiet, contemplative silence, and then he starts in. ]

You've killed people before.

[ He comments, eyes flicking to her to gauge her reaction. ]

Mercy-killed. I've seen you do it more than once.

[clarke finds herself staring at her drink for a good few moments before she takes a sip, swallowing hard before attempting to answer him. the topic of conversation wasn't too much of a surprise but that doesn't mean she was happy with talking about it either.

she is well aware of the fact she has mercy killed people before but this wasn't the same thing, not to her at least because it was finn. not a person she barely had a connection with but the boy she loved who became the way he did because of how much he loved her] I know— but this time was different.

Different how?

[ He asks solemnly, even though he thinks he knows the answer. Finn was a friend, closer than Atom, closer than Charlotte. He thinks she might have loved him, though probably not in the way Finn loved her. Still, she's lost people before, close people. Her father, for starters, and that period of time where she thought Abby died on the dropship.

He doesn't see why she can't reconcile his death with the fact that it was a mercy killing, an end to an inevitable torture fest.

He doesn't see why she can possibly blame herself for this. ]

[clarke just leans back in her seat looking contemplative for a moment while still holding her drink in one hand. there are probably a number of ways she could answer his question because there was were so many factors of it that she blamed herself which were heavily weighing down on her.

it wasn't the mercy killing that was the issue here because the whole reason she went through with it was so that finn wouldn't have to suffer through the whatever torture the grounders had planned for him. instead it was the circumstances around it, it was about herself and the chain of events that were set in motion and it just makes clarke feel partially responsible for it all much like what she told lexa when pleading with her and offering up herself in finn's place] It's— everything that happened, the reason he did the things he did— it was because of me.

[ Bellamy nudges her glass a little with a finger, pushing it toward her, indicating that she should drink. This conversation will go a lot more smoothly when she's a little more numb to it, and as if to prove his solidarity, takes a large drink himself. Whatever alcohol this is, it's a lot more smooth than Monty's moonshine, that's for damn sure. ]

Finn made his own decisions, you can't blame yourself for those.

[ He informs her flatly, leaving no room for protest. ]

He couldn't handle the pressure, he snapped, he made bad decisions. That's not on you, that's on him. The only person that should be blamed for Finn's death is Finn.

[clarke just makes a face as she hears his response, it's clear that she doesn't agree with his words but when he nudges her glass towards her, she indulges in taking in a larger sip slowly easing herself into drinking more. if clarke was anyone else she would have accepted bellamy's reasoning but no matter which way she thinks about it, she still sees herself at fault. something that has become a pattern with her when it comes to people close to her dying and for the people she wasn't able to save either because her part with finn's death it felt like she was barely hanging on by a thread sometimes]

Oh there's plenty to blame myself for— it's hard not to when being in love with me changed him the way it did. [it goes unsaid where that love got him but that was just one of the many reasons the guilt still stays with her]

[ His lips purse together unhappily as he unscrews the bottle's lid. Fills their glasses up again, because it's obvious he's going to have to just funnel alcohol into her to get anywhere. ]

Clarke, just because he was in love with you doesn't justify why he did what he did.

[ Bellamy would know, he's done some insane stuff on Octavia's behalf, but that doesn't make what he did right. He learned that the hard way. ]

[with her glass refilled, she repeats the process and takes another drink from it. drinking wasn't all that hard really, it was talking about her feeling coupled with her stubbornness that didn't mix well enough together] I wasn't saying it justified anything but I was the reason behind it, wasn't I? Even you said that part of the reason Finn changed was because he thought he lost me—

[her voice breaks causing her to abruptly trail off just slightly as if she was going to cry again before she forces it down to a slight sniffle and continues] It was done in my name. How am I not supposed to feel responsible for that?

( closed )

CLARKE & RAVEN;

literally forever late

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CLARKE & BELLAMY;

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