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romancekiller) wrote in
ataraxionlogs2015-02-14 04:49 pm
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Entry tags:
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CHARACTERS: Clarke Griffin, Raven Reyes, Bellamy Blake
LOCATION: Engineering and the bar!
WARNINGS: tba for now
SUMMARY: Clarke finally decides to talk with Raven now that she is canon updated a few days after the jump; just over a week later Bellamy drags Clarke out of her room to get drunk as a distraction.
[ooc; see starters within]
LOCATION: Engineering and the bar!
WARNINGS: tba for now
SUMMARY: Clarke finally decides to talk with Raven now that she is canon updated a few days after the jump; just over a week later Bellamy drags Clarke out of her room to get drunk as a distraction.
CLARKE & RAVEN;
she never went to visit her in the brig, mostly delegated any interaction with her if she could help it even if she was worried because while bellamy had told her what happened, it wasn't the same as experiencing it herself. it's not like she could explain or apologize to raven at all even if she had tried last month but either way she was fully expecting raven to hate her, still be angry and want nothing to do with her.
this jump made everything that much more clear for her now and between experiencing recent events back home, finding out charlotte was here now and also finn was gone and nowhere to found on the ship was more than a little overwhelming for clarke. it took her a couple of days before she decided that she should go check in on raven instead of putting this off any longer and the first place she decides to check is the engineering department. with much time raven spends there now that she was in charge of it, clarke figured that would be her best bet to find her at least. it's been a while since she has ventured over there but when she does arrives she starts to look around. she doesn't see her yet so she calls out her name in efforts to maybe get her attention] Raven?
literally forever late
but she realizes, with a grudging exhale through her nose, that stranding clarke out there just plain isn't an option. so if clarke's still even remotely hanging around in about thirty seconds, an unobtrusive door slides open off to the right, and there's raven, leaning against the doorway looking equal parts wary and unimpressed. no hello, no anything. she's showing her face, and that's gonna have to be good enough. ]
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she waits patiently outside and when raven finally opens the doors, the lack of greeting and the look on her face makes it clear how raven still feels about her. clarke just wants to talk though even if the result is raven yelling at her or whatever else, it's something at least but another part of her is hoping that she is hoping raven will at least hear her out] Hey— I know I'm probably the last person you want to see but can we at least talk?
I would have sooner but last jump— my memories weren't quite the same as what the rest of you remembered. [she figures raven knows that part already though from talking to the others at least]
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despite that, raven listens to what clarke has to say - and as much as she wishes she could find that white-hot fury she held for clarke a month ago, it's died down by now to a dull ache and raven can't quite find it in her to fight. ]
I can't take a break, [ she says, but when she backs up out of the doorway, it's held open with a hand for clarke to follow her through. ]
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there was really no easy way to start this conversation, no matter which way she thought about it. she knew her words might not mean much since there was nothing about her actions she could change or even go back to fix but she still considered raven her friend even if it wasn't that quite as mutual lately, she still had to try so she starts off the only way she knows how] Bellamy told everything that happened last jump— what I did.
It wasn't until this one that it happened for me and— Raven, I'm so sorry. I didn't want it to have to come down to that but I had to. [there was no other way around it when her offer to trade places with finn was shot down by lexa. it something she learned the hard way from having prior knowledge of this while on this ship as things still happened exactly as she had been told]
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and here and now, in the face of the apology, raven wants to find a way to be pissed off at a clarke who does know what she did instead of some innocent clueless clarke who just princess'd into this mess secondhand, but the fact stands that she pretty much wasted all her piss and hellfire in that first bout of explosive anger and the quiet seething over the weeks to follow.
so she swallows hard, jaw setting and brow furrowing as she shakes her head just barely. ] Stupid asshole did it to himself. [ it's how she's supposed to feel, she knows. that's the objective explanation behind it, but now that she's run out of steam over blaming clarke, the only one she's got left to blame is herself. ]
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she is still expecting some sort of anger because while raven did have time to cool down during the last month, the memories of what happened are still fresh in her mind and it haunted her that much more while on the ship. she looks up and when raven finally responds to her, clarke is speechless because instead of what she was expecting to hear, raven was blaming it on finn instead of her]
You don't blame me for it? [because clarke definitely blames herself for it. everything he did was because of her and she can't help but feel responsible because of how much his love for her changed him into someone that she didn't even recognize]
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she is quiet for a moment, just staring blankly in response as if lost in thought. clarke swallows hard, biting her lip a bit absently before she manages to find the words while trying to fight back her tears] It's— my fault though. Even if I didn't ask him to do any of that, it still happened because of me.
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CLARKE & BELLAMY;
no matter how much she is trying to let this not haunt her, it still does. she can barely manage to get sleep on most days especially with the constant nightmares and the guilt she finds herself facing every night. clarke has to will herself to move past every single day while she keeps that fact to herself. it wasn't just about finn but she's lost so many people she's cared about that subconsciously she can't help but wonder who is even next.
she trying to remind herself that she can't fall apart here, not when she has more important things to focus on and with people counting on her but the minute she learned that finn wasn't on the ship anymore, it got increasingly harder for her as the days pass by and sometimes it shows from how brief she keeps conversation or just deflects the subject onto anyone but herself. it's one of the many reasons she is just keeping to her room for a bit longer right now. she has her head buried in her pillow because it was just one of those days where she isn't sure how much longer she can physically keep this up]
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Days pass, though, and Clarke shows little sign of improvement. It strikes Bellamy rather suddenly that with Raven alienated and Jasper so far behind, he's literally Clarke's closest friend.
...Which is something of a shock considering he's never really been that for anyone before, but he knows it means he has to be the one to step in and do something to take her mind off of things. He doesn't think to text, it slips his mind completely that he should probably pre-arrange this with her or something. Instead he shows up unannounced, knocking pretty firmly on her door.
Spoilers, it's not room service. ]
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clarke wasn't sure what the visit was for and she definitely wasn't expecting anyone given she hadn't received any texts about it but she assumes it's something urgent that couldn't wait. she looks terrible if she's being honest between the lack of sleep and crying she's been doing but she pushes herself out of bed while making an attempt to fix her appearance just enough to look like nothing is wrong. if she looks fine and tells herself she is fine, that totally makes it true right? it's practically become her mantra at this point even it doesn't seem to be helping her case much. she heads over to the door it's not long before it slides open when she unlocks it revealing bellamy standing on the other side. one of her guesses was correct at least but whatever this was about, she is quick and to the point with her response] Hey— did you need something?
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You look terrible.
[ Rather than answering her question, he ops for a blunt observation. Which is pretty much what he expected anyway, and that's why he's here in the first place. With that established, he brushes past her to enter her room without an invitation. ]
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So what did you come all this way for?
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You've been hiding out in here for days.
[ He informs her disapprovingly. ]
You've been doing nothing but... thinking. You need to get out, Clarke- out of your room and out of your head.
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she lets out a sigh, her hand brushing through hair in frustration. she knows he's right and that she needs to do something to get her mind off things but she has no idea how to even do that] But fine, what do you suggest then?
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Come on. We're going out.
[ He declares, as though he's decided it without needing her permission. Accept it, Clarke, it's inevitable. ]
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she just stares at first when he heads straight towards the door and while she could still continue arguing with him and demand a proper answer, she knows he probably won't drop it either so she gives in and follows along behind him, partially curious as to where he is taking her] Okay, so where are we going?
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...And then he realizes he's supposed to be a friend here and not a leader, so he purses his lips and slows down until they're walking side by side. ]
Drinking. We're going to get you wasted, princess, and you're gonna talk about your-
[ He waves vaguely. ]
Feelings, or whatever.
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the moment he finally answers her question though, she can't help but look surprised at his suggestion. it was probably the last thing she expected even more so since he was also suggesting that she talk about her feelings]
Drinking and talking about feelings, really? [she frowns at first but she is definitely not objecting to it either mostly because at this point she doesn't even care. maybe she could use a drink, just forget the pain associated with everything she had been feeling lately because that didn't sound so bad right then] Well maybe I could do with the first part.
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[ He echoes her seriously, sparing her something of a surveying look. Gauging how well received the sentiment is, because admittedly while they've been good at being partners and leaders, they've always been a little awkward in the friends department.
But they are, aren't they?
He thinks so. He thinks Clarke might be his closest friend, and isn't that tragic? He leads them toward the end of the corridor, toward the bar on her floor. It's empty, abandoned, and he swings around the bar to grab a bottle of something that looks... brown, and not terrible. None of the labels are familiar to him, but it doesn't really matter anyway. He plucks up two glasses with the fingertips of his free hand, and snags them a booth in a private corner. Slides into one of the seats, and clunks a glass down in front of the booth opposite them.
Pours them each a hearty tumbler of whiskey. ]
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being on this ship though, she had more time than she knew what to do with in comparison so the awkwardness was kind of inevitable for both of them with this whole friendship thing. it's something she realizes while they make their way towards the bar because between all her friends that she still has right now, bellamy is probably her closest one and while that doesn't come as too much of a surprise to her, it makes her appreciate the sentiment behind his actions at least.
clarke has admittedly never ventured into the bar prior to this though she has walked past it plenty of times before so this was a first for her. she follows along with bellamy when they enter inside and after he grabs something for them to drink and a booth for them to sit, she takes a seat as well watching as the pours the liquid into the both glasses. she's still quiet, not really saying much when she reaches for her glass, looking at it almost tentatively as she wonders if this will even work]
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Brings the glass to his lips, and takes a hearty swallow. Just to get things going.
There's a beat of quiet, contemplative silence, and then he starts in. ]
You've killed people before.
[ He comments, eyes flicking to her to gauge her reaction. ]
Mercy-killed. I've seen you do it more than once.
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she is well aware of the fact she has mercy killed people before but this wasn't the same thing, not to her at least because it was finn. not a person she barely had a connection with but the boy she loved who became the way he did because of how much he loved her] I know— but this time was different.
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[ He asks solemnly, even though he thinks he knows the answer. Finn was a friend, closer than Atom, closer than Charlotte. He thinks she might have loved him, though probably not in the way Finn loved her. Still, she's lost people before, close people. Her father, for starters, and that period of time where she thought Abby died on the dropship.
He doesn't see why she can't reconcile his death with the fact that it was a mercy killing, an end to an inevitable torture fest.
He doesn't see why she can possibly blame herself for this. ]
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it wasn't the mercy killing that was the issue here because the whole reason she went through with it was so that finn wouldn't have to suffer through the whatever torture the grounders had planned for him. instead it was the circumstances around it, it was about herself and the chain of events that were set in motion and it just makes clarke feel partially responsible for it all much like what she told lexa when pleading with her and offering up herself in finn's place] It's— everything that happened, the reason he did the things he did— it was because of me.
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Finn made his own decisions, you can't blame yourself for those.
[ He informs her flatly, leaving no room for protest. ]
He couldn't handle the pressure, he snapped, he made bad decisions. That's not on you, that's on him. The only person that should be blamed for Finn's death is Finn.
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Oh there's plenty to blame myself for— it's hard not to when being in love with me changed him the way it did. [it goes unsaid where that love got him but that was just one of the many reasons the guilt still stays with her]
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Clarke, just because he was in love with you doesn't justify why he did what he did.
[ Bellamy would know, he's done some insane stuff on Octavia's behalf, but that doesn't make what he did right. He learned that the hard way. ]
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[her voice breaks causing her to abruptly trail off just slightly as if she was going to cry again before she forces it down to a slight sniffle and continues] It was done in my name. How am I not supposed to feel responsible for that?