ataraxionlogs | ( mostly closed ) when we were young the future was so bright

[That takes him by surprise enough that he shrinks back, flinches instead of going. And he snaps out, defensively:]

I don't need help.

[ Black eyebrows hike upwards. There's still blood on his face. ]

That is vividly, demonstrably untrue.

[He looks away from him.]

I defended myself from you. That's all.

You grabbed my arm, pushed me into a table, and shoved your hand in my face. I attempted to stun you to get you off of me, and then you did that.

[ Recited flatly. ]

You attacked me physically, without provocation, because I don't like someone you do. [ Severus frowns slightly. He knows this guy's a total dick, but.. ] Is this how you normally behave?

[His shoulders rise even further; his jaw clenches even more tightly. His answer is clipped.]

I was attempting to get your attention. You overreacted.

[ Severus just looks at him. Really? Would that fly in court? Really?

(No, it wouldn't.) ]

[Edgeworth, though, doesn't meet his eyes.]

Any more threats, or can I get you help now?

I am perfectly capable of getting own injuries documented and treated, [ he says icily. Yes, he is going to make a document of this, in the event Edgeworth decides to have a tantrum later over the Cruciatus. There are no laws here and he was defending himself; good luck arguing Unforgivable, man. ] You, however, have no idea how to pull yourself together from a curse, and Black won't have the answer.

[And then he looks back over. There's far too much venom in him - and fear - when he snaps:]

Sirius' advice is the only advice I need for that.

[ Severus has odd eyes. His irises are so dark in whatever color they were once meant to have that they appear black, and his gaze is inherently unnerving because of it. It's easy to see how, even as a small child, people looked at him and decided he was something wicked. Those eyes watch Edgeworth closely, and for a while, without comment.

He rights a chair. Sits in it.

(Carefully. His chest hurts.) ]

No. It isn't. No matter what I think of Sirius Black, he is not an expert on dark magic. When he tried to curse me the first day I arrived, he didn't do it even close properly, and he was quite motivated to do so. He settled for breaking my nose and cheekbone.

Chocolate will make you feel better. And you'll be dehydrated.

[Edgeworth looks away from him and smiles, humorlessly, miserably. There's something in him of the trapped animal. He replies, brittle:]

My thanks for the advice, sir, but this isn't my first experience with such things. I'm an old hand. I'll manage.

[He wants to take some measure of pleasure in the thought of Snape's nose being broken. He wants to enjoy the thought of the man's evidently fragile bones. But he just feels ill.]

[ Something about that-- catches. Severus frowns. He's good at this, talking people in circles, deviating little by little and moving things where he wants them to go. Threats aren't working except when they are - Miles Edgeworth is an odd little minefield, but he's already learning. He'd be a terrible spy if he didn't, and Severus is a not a terrible spy. ]

You are not managing.

[His fists clench hard enough that his knuckles whiten. His voice is raw.]

Yes, I am. You don't even know what I'm talking about; what place is it of yours to contradict me?

The place of someone who is fortunately skilled enough to have survived what you just did. Something not everyone on this ship can say the same of.

[ And for good reason, as fewer mages capable of incredibly dark magic being around is for the best, but the point remains. ]

You are not managing.

Skilled enough to have survived what I just did?

[His laugh is unnatural; it would be unnatural at the best of times, since he's someone not given to laughter, but it's worse now.]

Yes, what marvelous skill you showed, miraculously surviving being pushed about.

[And then mirth drops away, as he bites out:]

I've never killed anyone, and I'm managing fine.

If you think that's being pushed about, you're not only not managing but you're delusional, incapable of judging your own power, and an active danger to everyone on this ship, including myself. You have no idea if you've never killed anyone if you are blacking out.

[ No, in fact, he will not be letting this go. Not now, and not in the future. He's already reevaluating his determination to go tell Tyke; in its place is the determination to tell Xavier, and immediately, because this is something that needs to be handled.

Just like Severus put saving Sirius on Arima above his own admittedly fierce and unbelievably petty feelings, he is going to put making sure Edgeworth isn't about to have a fit and slaughter someone with telekinesis by accident above everything else happening right now. This is just the kind of workaholic asshole triple agent he is. ]

[That, though - that touches something deep in Edgeworth, something that goes far deeper than his fear and guilt about what happened on that space station. It touches a much older, more primal fear. And the reaction is harsher, too, stronger - he pales, and twists to look at Snape, and spits - ]

Go to hell. You - I'm not really given to trust the words and judgments of sadists and torturers. So you can - Go to hell.

Stop trying to turn this into being about me and the opinion of me someone who didn't like me in school has, [ he says, unperturbed. Severus really doesn't give a damn what Edgeworth thinks of him, because it's completely ridiculous and not worth arguing about, since the man clearly has some kind of overblown emotional connection to it. ] You're the one who got me down here and tried to kill me, stop flinging words around like that as though you've got any notion of their meaning in the real world. You want your self-righteous morality to cling to? Deal with your problems.

Go on, tell me you've never done worse than this to someone. Assure me. Prove it, despite the fact that you can't remember.

I - I don't -

[He hasn't. The most brutal action with any sort of malice aforethought he's ever committed was cutting the jaw muscles of a manticore to free a girl from its deadly bite, and that caused him guilt for months after; the worst damage he's done to anyone without intending it has been this, knocking someone into a wall.

But Miles Edgeworth spent a childhood believing that he killed his own father and was unable to remember; he spent a childhood, too, having his adoptive father suggesting that lie to him and reinforcing it in his mind. It's been less than a year since he found out that was a lie, and he still hasn't wholly convinced himself of the truth of it. And so Snape's accusations - baseless, truly - land with far too much sting. He didn't try to kill Snape, and he hasn't hurt anyone, and indeed after that curse that was flung at him his hatred goes far deeper than mere solidarity with Sirius - and he knows the accusations are untrue -

Yet the words tear at him. He reaches up and buries his face in his hands. His breathing is shallow; he's clearly on the brink of a panic attack. He chokes out - ]

Stop it -

[ From Severus's perspective, these accusations are far from baseless. What just happened may be a fluke, but it was a pretty drastic fluke, and he has no way of knowing what else has gone on or what can go on in the future. Edgeworth's reactions are just making it look worse. The other man can trot out all the mean nasty words he wants against Severus, but Severus is at least aware of the things he does. ]

Sit down already.

[ You're going to hurt yourself, you loon. ]

You are in no danger from me unless you attack me again, I'm not going to do anything.

I'm not -

[But a few sharp words aren't enough to interrupt his attack of nerves. Edgeworth is stubborn and stalwart in most situations - brave, level-headed, able to absorb attacks fairly impartially. But he has some gaping vulnerabilities, and Snape just hammered hard away at one of the worst of them.

And so he mumbles, miserably - ]

I'm - sorry.

[Even though he doesn't wholly know what he's apologizing for or why. It might be simply out of shame - because overlaying all of this, the panic and the fear and the hatred, is humiliation; he is humiliated to be this undone in front of anyone, especially a man like this.]

[ Oh for Merlin's antichrist sake what the blood-soaked-Protestant-hell is happening now. It takes not insignificant self control for Severus not to drop his head down into his hands out of exasperation - mostly, he knows that'll hurt a lot to do.

With someone else he might attempt to use is I'm Speaking To A Frightened First Year voice and coax cooperation out of them, but he thinks Edgeworth is probably past that point already, and he also thinks that if he physically approaches the man, he's going to get attacked again. ]

Tell me who I can ring to come sit with you right now.

[There's at least a slight ghost of his previous fierce spirit when he snaps:]

No one.

[He's not about to allow anyone else to be privy to this humiliation. He's spent years managing panic attacks by himself; he has spent years hiding his weakness; he's not about to let someone he respects see him like this. So he forces himself to take deep breaths, forces himself to swallow, closes his eyes and thinks about serene things. Thinks about his dog, and playing with her, and her good spirits and joy.

When he opens his eyes again, he's still rattled and shaken, but at least he's not babbling incoherently. His voice is creaky and unsteady, but his words are firm.]

I have never killed anyone. I will never kill anyone. Understood?

I understand that you desperately wish for that to be. And if that is true, if you value that truth at all, then you will accept help from someone.

[ The headache Severus has right now is pretty spectacular, both due to injury and dealing with this guy. Still, he persists. He realizes distantly that he could have left a dozen times by now and been justified in doing so, but this is ultimately what he does: he has to clean up after people who hate him, who'd rather see him hurt or dead. There are days when he is unbelievably bitter about it, but there are others when he proceeds, machinelike, along the path he's agreed to. Certainly, someone else would be better suited to handle this moment with this person, but there's no one else on hand, and Edgeworth won't cough up a suggestion. Severus is not yet desperate enough to call Sirius. ]

Do not cast this aside because of me. What if someone you actually have regard for accidentally angered or frightened you? You obviously care.

[He crosses his arms, keeps his face turned firmly away from Snape. His voice remains shaken and miserable, but he answers precisely.]

I spent five days down there on that colony with Melkor and Mairon. I could have used this power to cut their throats. I didn't.

[There's a bitterness to those words, and a growing bitterness when he continues, a miserable self-flagellation. He hasn't admitted this to anyone - hasn't even talked about his experiences down there with anyone. After all, if he confesses this to Sirius, or to Tyke, they'll lose respect for him. Or pity him.

So there's something liberating about talking with someone who hates him as easily as Snape hates him. It's not like there's anything to lose.

And so he smiles bitterly as he continues:]

If I can't even have the strength of will to take a life when it means saving the lives of innocent people, then I don't think it is precisely in the cards for me to take a life at all. Unless it's through cowardice and inaction - I'm quite proficient at killing by those means.

Edited 2014-05-20 17:52 (UTC)

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